If You Tickle Us...

Courtesy of Hirshel Tzig To the Hebraically challenged: the above is a greeting in a charity brochure. Since charity receptions and the occasional dinner are the best we have for going out in the evening, for men that is, the charity brochure is the equivalent of the society pages in Tatler. Not unfortunately who’s going out with whom as it happens so quickly round here that you’ve barely kissed the mezuze to go out and it’s time to come back in for the l’chaim announcing the engagement. Besides being the only distraction from drawn-out speeches by speakers internationally renown from their lectern-thumping histrionics, the brochure is also an indicator of who’s going places. ‘He? Last year he had a silver page and this year a diamond! Not bad. What’s he into?’ And ‘Where’s he, didn’t he have a platinum last year? Nebech , men hot im baganvet. I hear his wife’s started a playgroup.’ It is customary in such instances for pages to be donated for the elevation of dead souls. Or ra

Guys, I feel like a diva at La Scala on the final curtain call. I bow before you all, tilt my head slightly back and thrust it forward propelling my hair, sorry my sheitel , into the air and over my face so that my head looks like a willow in the storm of applause. What should I tell you? I’m overwhelmed. Hits have shot up as if my site overdosed on Viagra, with a hechsher of course, (I now know what they mean by stats porn, you know that feeling a rebbe gets at a sell-out tish ), laudatory emails have been raining in from the chareidi blogosphere kings of yesteryear and the Hill is alive with the sound of comments. In the middle of it all stand I shaking like receiving my first Oscar and feeling, like the real winner, as if my career has peaked. Of my Warholian 15 minutes I can only say may they last for 120. But as my father always told me, 'don't let these things get to your head'. And as we were taught at the age of 9 in the ethical primer The Paths of the Righteous

We’re in the news again and this time not for the wrong reasons. The Daily Telegraph has a long article in tomorrow’s magazine on chareidi Stamford Hill which they have put online. A nice and fair write up overall. The usual suspects, the buffoon, the ‘rabbi’, make an appearance and there is the oft recycled canard of Pinter senior establishing YH schools. As if. More like he climbed to the top and once there shoved everyone out of the way bar his children of course. But that’s for another day. There are however other voices too and the writer has taken the time and effort to visit Dunsmure Road and Egerton Road. I mean how many journalists do that, though Oldhill Street may be too much to ask. You can’t fault a journalist who tries to gain entry to a kolel either and I suspect many will be relieved that his request was declined. Yours truly is also allowed a few words edgeways though not quite enough to rain on anyone’s parade. But I’m not complaining because the article is far m

Stamford Hill has got itself into a lather once again. We're barely out of the last lather whatever that may have been, skirts have been lengthened by an eighth of an inch, Shabbos candles are being kindled 5 minutes earlier to atone for whatever it was that got us into that lather and to appease God to get us out of it, malicious talk is being avoided with ever greater intensity, psalms are being recited fervently everywhere from the doctors' surgery to the benefits advisor's waiting room, horses are being kept even further at bay and women have taken it upon themselves to recite the Song of Songs on the Sabbath eve. Not, heaven forefend, to get them going for the conjugal relations of the evening; that's what they wear their long flowing robes for. And it is precisely for this reason that Rebetzen Padwa has banned wearing them outdoors lest it incite in others what it's intended to arouse in its wearer's basherte . The Song of Songs rotas may however have b

News arrives of yet another ban. This time it's not the internet, DVDs, tight blouses, short skirts, walking on one or other side of the road but on walking out altogether. For the rabbis in their eternal wisdom have banned yeshive groups from hiring buses or other forms of transportation on Purim. They have cited the excuse of killjoys up and down the country, 'health and safety' and so killed the modicum of fun that is allowed once a year to penetrate our sacred square of the holy mile and have accomplished what even Haman was not capable of. Since they don't follow the news, except insofar as it concerns cuts to housing benefit, it appears that they have yet to hear that the Labour government has been out of power for almost a year and health and safety has been declared by the new government a 'music hall joke' . But then what’s a music hall? It is however hoped that having jumped onto the 'elf and saifty' bus more concern may now be shown for the

Here is an email doing the rounds today: We want FREEDOM! We don't want the Yiddisher Brotherhood to control us! We want the opportunity to carry on shabbos. We want the opportunity to have a selection of kashrus. We want the opportunity to run our shops as we wish. We don't want to pay rocket high prices for our meat. We don't accept the regime being in power so long unelected. We demand change! We need to topple these dominating leaders. We need a Tahrir Square protest. Leave us in peace! Get off our backs! Go, Go, Go. Get lost!! YES! WE MEAN YOU MESSERS PEE - (PADWA/PINTER)

If you live in Stamford Hill please turn away now. You are not supposed to know what I'm about to tell you and please don't quote this site when passing the message on because I don't want to get myself into trouble. I've written once before how some news items are not meant for us proles whose role in this world is to do as we're told, pay up when ordered to and shut up at all other times. Which is why what I'm about to tell you did not appear in the new look Jewish Tribune (more facelifts than Michael Jackson; more padding than a wonderbra) or in that other organ of hallowed trivia, the Hamodia. It did though appear in the goyishe , anti-semitic, chareidi- bashing JC so beloved of the 'rabbi' and our other noble institutions when they have an announcement to make to the Jew-ish community but prefer to leave the paying and kvetching community in blissful ignorance. Well, 2 weeks ago the communal life saver Hatzole held its annual reception . In cas

***Update below*** Yesterday the frum community in Antwerp went to the polls to elect a new rabbi. We, by contrast, were handed our rabbi on a plate in a graveyard. Quite literally. Ok the plate bit I made up but the graveyard is almost true and in fact the announcement was made at the previous rabbi’s funeral. Or as Wiki puts it “The honorary officers of the UOHC announced the appointment of his youngest son, Rabbi Ephraim, as the new rabbinical head of the community.” How we would have cheered had it not been during the summer holidays when we were sunning ourselves in some summer camp rechristened, if that’s the word, Stamford Hill-on-sea for a couple of weeks. Alas we weren’t there and the officers who are honorary in name and name only had the field to themselves. They could have appointed a frog and we would have followed every hop and croak while persuading ourselves that we are the envy of the world. So they chose a dinosaur instead and we should be grateful to them for t

Is it a coincidence that the oaf is male and the heretic female? No wonder the rabbis weren’t (aren’t?) happy for women to study Torah.

Stamford Hill is in a lather, or, given the subject matter, perhaps that should be a latte. Whatever, the place is frothing over the no simple matter of a litre of milk. 2 businessman from Golders Green backed by a third North Westerner have set up a milk supply to challenge the long-standing monopoly of Chareidi Dairies. So far so good, you may think, until you notice the kosher seal on the bottle and the peyos will drop. For if where there is muck there is brass, where there is kosher there is brass, copper, silver and more. And as will be seen, where there is kosher milk there is lots of cream too. For the last 10-15 years there has been a monopoly of kosher milk in London. This was supported by that bastion of holiness, Kedassia, who in return for a royalty on each litre of milk refused to certify rival milk supplies. However many sheitels you added to the cow's head its milk would remain treif. For as it is written in the Scriptures "Thou shalt mug the mothers for the

News reaches me of the outcome of the Parent Governor elections mentioned below and I am left to eat my streimel. Not only were the elections held with no allegations of vote rigging or other impropriety but the winner was apparently the sole woman candidate on the list. She is a local educator so don’t expect anything too exciting but it is a victory nonetheless. Mazel Tov is surely in order and we hope she enjoys the soporific experience of taking part in board meetings where very little is debated and even less decided.

Shock. Horror. Disgust. Dismay. These are just some of the sentiments expressed by our Dear Leaders among the panoply of emotions generated by the news that elections are to be held in Stamford Hill. Not in our, or their, wildest fantasies did they, or we, imagine that there exists a power to compel anyone in the holy square mile to hold elections. We have been brought up that power is theirs by right, and just occasionally, when a contingency arises, by might, and now we are led to question our most basic and fundamental assumptions. How are we to contend with this, is the question on all lips. Admittedly, local and national elections are held at polling booths within shockling distance of our great institutions, and these are passed by the Rabbonim as permissible so long, of course, that votes are cast in favour of the right candidates. But as with all non-Torah-true influences great care is taken to ensure that alien concepts such as democracy, accountability and transparency do

The 'Rabbi' has always titled himself as the 'principal' of Yesodey Hatorah Schools or, sometimes, Yesodey Hatorah Secondary School. In 2003 the BBC  website has him as principal, in 2004 he was so called in The Independent , in 2008 in the Guardian  and more recently in the JC  on 21 September 2010, when the 'Rabbi' also said 'I have 150 employees..' presumably as principal of one or more of the schools. So why was he described in last week's JC as 'Charedi leader' and who and what does he lead other than his schools, unless a rent-a-quote career on any subject from human embryology to the number of people at a wedding qualifies one as a leader? Even stranger is his title in the recent interview with him on the Blood and Property blog  on the very subject of YHS where he is introduced as Yesodey Hatorah 'spokesman'. So has he resigned as principal? Has he been sacked? If so, by whom and why? And is it usual for schools to

He makes John Major seem exciting and muesli like your cereal of choice.

ConservativeHome is gloating this morning about a tory win in one of England's poorest wards . Either they’re being disingenuous or they are completely ignorant of politics round here. In reality it makes little difference either way. For those of you fasting tomorrow take it easy and don’t overdo it in shul!

This morning I see a representative from the CST patrolling outside a Kapores centre and I wonder if this is what the CST is for. The concerns of the organisers of this event are not primarily security because the CST is not seen at much larger local gatherings. Their concerns are animal rights activists and local authority inspectors who, rightly or wrongly, have in the past targeted this practice. In the USA there have been demos and concern has been expressed in this country too. Even within Judaism there are respectable views against Kapores with the Shulchan Aruch (in a 1565 edition) calling it a munhag shtus and that one should refrain from the tradition. Of course, if the ritual is carried out humanely there should be no reasons to fall foul of the authorities. So why is CST securing this event? Their role as expressed on their website is : to protect [the Jewish Community's] many achievements from the external threats of bigotry, antisemitism and terrorism. Does th

I should be wishing my handful of readers a Happy New Year and joking about the honey and how the chasidim go for the golden runny variety at the cost of £4 a jar and not the thick sliceable goyishe type that can be picked up on the cheap. And I should also be in bed so I can get up early for some pre-dawn penitence, followed by voiding promises and all the other traditions which make up Rosh Hashone Eve. I’ll however write something brief on the creeping extremism into Stamford Hill and how by stealth ever more stringencies and madnesses are being imposed on us. While it is the big stories that make the news it is the little stories that matter. They creep in unnoticed and in no time become the norm so that when the next madness turn up it seems only reasonable to let it pass. Of course a contrarian will say ‘a meshugass!’, some woman will say ‘and what’s wrong with that?’ and the rest of the world will shrug and do as they’re told. So here I shall keep a little flame of protest a

Those with the gall to break out of the community are expected to slink away in silence, to disappear into the netherworld of mainstream society. It is this attitude which makes us writers so misunderstood in our community. There is no appreciation that people simply want to voice their opinion and tell their story. It must be self-hating, self justification, bitterness, vengeance, malevolence, sucking up to the goyim. In fact anything other than that perhaps there is a point and there is some validity in what is being said. And even if there is a point 'do you really have to let the goyim know what's going on?' Ah well, we'll go on writing and they'll go on vilifying.

Ha, with an opening like that what could I be referring to but the by now notoriously infamously shocking, gut wrenchingly nauseating, angst inducing, repentance instigating, Psalms resorting, redemption pleading article by Christina Patterson in The Independent . I know, I'm a Yiddl come lately as we're now almost a month after the event and no one's even talking about it any longer. I have however been away in the great après Tisha B'Av exodus when Stamford Hill puts on its collective skates and heads for the mountains, hills, sea and even slums, recreating them if necessary, so long that it's away. But shh don't utter it too loudly as the ganovim may pay you a visit and without the shomrim about who will be there to lend the cops a hand or stand in for them altogether? I'm digressing as usual. I was up to Ms Patterson's famous 'And I would like to say…' tribute to yours truly, his (or her if you choose) brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, n

It was with great shock and sadness that the news was received that the Organ of Anglo-Torah Jewry, the one and only (thank the L-rd for that) Jewish Tribune is to close. Such is the degreee of yeridath ha'doroth that even charedim can't be relied upon to make the correct choice in their media preference. Oh how we shall  mourn the sagacity of the Buffoon, the wit of Alex Strom, the unrivalled madness of Judith Weil, those letter pages and how can the tears stop flowing when we think of the Woman's Tribune? Where will the heimishe ladies get their advice on women's health which was never addressed anyway or on women's rights which in any event is one big oxymoron? Sorry but with a stopped heart, flowing eyes and nose, stooping shoulders, cracked ribs, shoin enough already, we must wish you a gut shabbes and find some consolation in the kigel and tsholent. Yom Tefiloh, demos, letters to ambassadors and shnorrer appeals next week im yirtse HaSh-m.

Here is a quote concerning the announcement in the recent budget that housing benefit will be capped at £400 per week. I need to touch on a problem in the north of Hackney... where orthodox Jewish families will be severely hit. Such families typically have more than four children, and many of them live in the private rented sector, so the limit on benefit will have a devastating impact. The council and social landlords in Hackney will be unable to take the strain, so I need answers from the Minister on how councils will be supported in dealing with that. Now guess who it came from? The Tribune? Nah, too busy defending the Emanuhell racists and condemning the disinterment of yet more bones somewhere in Israel? The Hamodia? Also not I'm afraid. Their preoccupation is some other Israeli 'scandal' which concerns very few of us as well as of course the Hello style Rebbes page where their Divinities are shown in various forms of ecstasy celebrating the Redemption of the Firstbor

In a rare show of solidarity seldom seen in this country or anywhere in the world rabbis of all persuasions, cults, creeds and colours (sorry black and white only) came out in unprecedented numbers to support the world wide web. Rabbis who have spent their life prohibiting the internet as the greatest threat to Judaism since the golden calf recanted in public and stood shoulder to shoulder and hat-brim to hat-brim to proclaim their belief in the dot coms and dot orgs of our age to redeem us of our orthographical errors. As the arch pro web campaigner fondly known as Dyno Rod in a rare public recant proclaimed 'We the Rabbonim have always been surfing the web to ensure that you are protected from the filth we are forced to endure for your sake. However for spelling sake and to avoid the even greater dangers of our teachers having to take an NVQ we have accepted that we may have been mistaken in the past and hereby announce the world wide web open for all. Hurrah! Mazel Tov! Oyf Si

When is a party not a party? Of course, when it's a birthday bash by the Board of Deputies and the Buffoon is in attendance. This week he had the grace to tell us abou the 'meeting' he attended and all the wonderful things that happened to him. When was the last time you attended a 'meeting' where the women turned out as for Ascot and not a chair in sight? And do God's, sorry G-d's, emissaries on earth really attend BoD 'meetings'? I suppose we must put it down to the Buffoon's customary humility and modesty again. What an assett! How fortunate we are to have him in our midst and how impoverished the BoD for having him round for a 'meeting' once only in 250 years.

The following is an extract from this BBC story on the Russian spy scandal . The papers also allege the suspects travelled on false passports. A decoded message to Tracey Lee Ann Foley, accused of using a fake British passport provided by the SVR, reads: "Very important: 1. sign your passport on page 32. Train yourself to be able to reproduce your signature when it's necessary. 2. Pls, be aware that you just visited Russia... If asked, we suggest you use the following story: you flew to Moscow on Mar 16 from London for example flight SU 211 to participate in business talks..." She is told to destroy the memo after reading. I have yet to hear of the Russian ambassador being summoned for a dressing down, a Commons statement, expulsion of diplomats and not to mention press headlines and outrage by Ming Campbell. Yet another instance when it feels like Israel is the little kid in the playground trying so hard to behave like the big boys but the big boys just keep on s

We in Stamford Hill have always known the very many reasons to be grateful to our askonim. Whether they are in the hatzole sounding their klaxons to save our lives, in the kosher business to fill our stomachs, in schooling to babysit our kids or in the fundraising industry to improve our souls by diminishing the contents of our wallets there is a common thread running through them. Selfless men and a few women too who give their all to save us from looking after ourselves. Wagging tongues don't deflect them and nay sayers don't deter them. They are on a mission assigned to them from heaven and if they happen to benefit indirectly from their good deeds not only do we not begrudge them their sidekick but we open our pockets to line theirs. We know that for the exalted few our needs are theirs and so it is only right that we should let them treat us as as they see fit. I am of course referring to those altruistic individuals who give from their time, their money, their jobs (i

Has the JC become a Lubi ragsheet? I ask because in this week's issue they published a hostile review of The Life and Afterlife of Menachem Mendel Schneerson  by Samuel Heilman and Menachem Friedman. The book is not sympathetic to the Lubi line and not surprisingly the Lubavitchers are far from happy. As usual they've taken to  attacking the authors, the reseach, the sources and anything that is inconvenient to the demi-God they've made of the previous Rebbe, assuming we may talk of him in the past tense. A hostile review of course does not turn the JC into Lubavitchers but it's when you consider who the reviewer is and the basis for his hostility that you begin to wonder. The reviewer is David Klinghoffer who according to Wiki is a BT from reform judaism who in his writings seeks to promote opposition to Darwinian views of evolution. Show me someone with these credentials and neutral to Chabad and I'll consider reconsidering. I googled the reviewer because a

Spare a thought for Dr Barrie Walker who in an interview with the BBC on the terrible murders in Cumbria made a somewhat infelicitous comment. To his credit he realised what he'd said the moment it was too late and if ever you wanted to see someone eating their words here it is at 0:55 onwards.

Little is known of the benevolence of Her Majesty's Government in our circles once Housing Benefit is taken out of the equation. Malchus shel chesed is a nice catchword for those who want us to repose our trust in them as the sole channel to the authorities who must be kept on side lest they herd us all on cattle wagons for transportation to the other side of the river lea. But in our day to day lives any beneficence of the authorities is wiped out by parking tickets, bailiffs and the nazis in the planning department. You could perhaps include the NHS though one could argue how benevolent it is to have to wait in a queue in the early morning cold to get an appointment with a doctor everyone knows to be a shlimazel. As to free education, as far as most Stamford Hillers are concerned it's like western civilisation to Ghandi: not a bad idea. But Yesodey HaTorah was supposed to change all of that. Parents who've been dodging the school-fees collector all their child-rearing

When you think the Tribune can't get any madder along they come with an article on the Book of Rus. Does than mean we'll soon be getting stories of King Tholomon or only of Nasan the Prophet and Josef and Potifar? How Thackeray must be blessing his stars that he doesn't come to be mentioned in the Tribune.