If You Tickle Us...

If anyone has a better rhyming translation for תכלה שנה וקללותיה – תחל שנה וברכותיה fee free to add it to the comments. In the meantime I leave you to meditate upon two marvellous poems, one for the dross and the other for the gloss, both by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919) The Year What can be said in New Year rhymes, That’s not been said a thousand times? The new years come, the old years go, We know we dream, we dream we know. We rise up laughing with the light, We lie down weeping with the night. We hug the world until it stings, We curse it then and sigh for wings. We live, we love, we woo, we wed, We wreathe our brides, we sheet our dead. We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear, And that’s the burden of the year. New Year (As the old year sinks down in Time's ocean...) As the old year sinks down in Time's ocean, Stand ready to launch with the new, And waste no regrets, no emotion, As the masts and the spars pass from view. Wee...

Those of us relying on the heimishe press for our cerebral fodder will have been feeling rather starved of late. In different times, a meeting of 30 rabbonim would be preceded by fliers from charity organisations exhorting us to send in our names, as it appears on the card, so that the details may be keyed in in their hallowed presence. Yet London was honoured by just such a meeting of Torah Olympians but not a word about it in our informative press either before or after. The meeting was followed by a letter from 5 rabbonim proclaiming the view of the Torah but still the Torah organs wouldn’t touch the story. The engagement of the grandson of the Kvetcher to the great-niece of the Greptser will make it in full Technicolor but the 5 must rely on the accursed world wide web for their fair share of notoriety. Aha, you may think, since the newspapers are headquartered in Stamford Hill in order to comply with the posuk , Ki m'Hackney teitzei Torah udvar Hashem m'N16 , they have...

Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayechi 5773 [28 December 2012] “The rabbis sat by and did not object implying that they were content” I am pained that there is a group of charlatans which is powerful in communal affairs and is protecting a man whom rabbis have announced [to the public] to distance themselves from. They thereby weaken amongst us all the severity of the prohibition against licentious conduct. Gershon Hager

[ I cannot vouch for the veracity of this letter which was sent in anonymously but I think it deserves publicity for the raw emotion it displays. It also serves as a useful reminder that amidst all the politicking and buffoonery there are some real people out there who are going through hell through no fault of their own. ] Dear Chaim You know who I am. I write an open letter to you begging you to do the right thing here. Let’s start from the beginning. You tried helping us out at our time of need, you were a great help for many years, answering all our questions from the day we got married, you were there for us at any stage we ever needed you. YOU then dropped yourself into this BIG time, you built up such a trust with us that we saw no wrong in anything you did, those late night calls to my wife, the times you told me send your wife in I will "explain" those shallos that didn’t need explaining - but you were trying to help!!!!...then came the time where you over steppe...

יום ג’ פ’ ויחי תשע”ג לפ”ק הנני בזה לאשר שהמכתב שכתב הר”ר חיים שנעק הי”ו במוצאי עשרה בטבת ש”ז, היתה בציווי מרן הגאב”ד שליט”א החותם בפקודתו יהודה ווייס הנ”ל נכון א.פ Tuesday Vayechi 5773 I hereby confirm that the letter written by Reb Chaim Schneck on Motze Asoro B’Teves of this year was under instruction of the Ga’avad Shlita Signed under orders Yehuda Weiss The above is accurate. E.P. [Ephraim Padwa] יב טבת תשע”ג הנני לאשר שהמכתב הראשון שנחתם ע”י האברך החשוב ר’ חיים שנעק הי”ו היה בהוראה שלמעלה ואין להמשפחה ח”ו שום תרעומת עליו בזה ובבא. וד’ יברך את עמו בשלום. משה היילפרין 12 Teves 5773 I confirm that the first letter signed by the esteemed Chaim Schneck was under orders from above and the family has God forbid no complaints against him neither in this world nor in the world to come. May God bless His people with peace. Moshe Halpern

ב”ה י”ב טבת תשע”ג המכתב החתום ע”י ר”ח שנעק יצא מחמת אי הבנה וביהמ”ד דברי חיים עוד מצורף להתאחדות קהילות החרדים וע”ז דו”ש משה חיים אפרים פדווא 12 Teves 5773 The letter signed by Chaim Schneck was released as a result of a misunderstanding and the Beish Hamedrash Divrei Chaim remains affiliated to the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations. Greetings of Peace Moshe Chaim Efraim Padwa This is a comment by ‘What a Shoita!!’ which deserves promotion: Hi, my name is Efraim Padwa, or is it? I'm not sure, I can't make up my mind. Do I have a mind? Let me ask the Halperns what my name is and what i should think. Or should I? I'm just so confused. Who is that fat man blocking my way? Is he friend or foe? He is shouting at me! But he looks like a friend! Do I know him? How can I know him if I don't even know myself?? Sign a letter? About what? Will you calm down if I sign it? Ok, so I'll sign. Can I go now? Thank you Mr Policeman - Merry Kratzmech. Wow, loo...

A PSALM OF LIFE WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN SAID TO THE PSALMIST TELL me not, in mournful numbers, Life is but an empty dream! — For the soul is dead that slumbers, And things are not what they seem. Life is real ! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal ; Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul. Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, Is our destined end or way; But to act, that each to-morrow Find us farther than to-day. Art is long, and Time is fleeting, And our hearts, though stout and brave, Still, like muffled drums, are beating Funeral marches to the grave. In the world's broad field of battle, In the bivouac of Life, Be not like dumb, driven cattle! Be a hero in the strife! Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant! Let the dead Past bury its dead! Act,— act in the living Present! Heart within, and God o'erhead! Lives of great men all remind us We can make our lives sublim...

שברי חיים Point by point rebuttal of 10 reasons given by the Stamford Hill rabbis for rejecting ‘ Gilui Da’ath ’ against Chaim Halpern. Sorry but won’t have chance to translate this.

Can someone enlighten us where rabbis pick up their writing style. If I were a member of Bridge Lane Beis Hamedrash I would take exception being spoken to like to a kindergarten rather than mature adults. (Mind you, it’s not in all kindergartens they talk like that either, but that’s for another day.) Did it occur to the esteemed Rabbi and his Secretary to ‘request’ his congregants not to attend? Or to ‘urge’, even ‘strongly urge’, them not to take part? Or ask them to ‘consider seriously the implications’ of showing up? It seems that our black and white world makes not allowance for such subtleties.  It’s either a chov kodoish or forbidden, with no bridge in the middle.

Spot the difference The above is the call in support of the of Leyton Orient internet rally. It is signed by almost all London Rabbonim affiliated to the UOHC. Ringed are those who signed the recent letter in support of Chaim Halpern. What a sign of the times!

At least we can now be assured of the impartiality of the forthcoming Beth Din.

1. The 6th Rabbi did not sign the Gilui Da’ath because: a. his wife forbade him b. his great-great-great-great grandfather forbade him c. both d. he lost his pen in the peak of his Sabbath hat? 2. When Rav Padwa was taken hostage by family Halpern he: a. called the police b. called Hatzole c. both d. mumbled for his hammer? 3. Keddasia flesh was transported with pig carcasses because: a. only the JC reported it b. pigs aren’t women and so needn’t be segregated. c. both d. prohibitions don’t apply to Porky? 4. Rabbi Robers wrote a letter saying: a. Chaim Halpern is unfit to be a rov becasue a beis din ruled he’s a perv b. Chaim Halpern is fit to be a rov until a beis din rules he’s a perv c. both d. he’s still deciding whether to write the letter? 5. Divrei Chaim remains an integral part of UOHC becasue: a. the letter expelling them was not meant to be released b. the letter expelling them was retracted c. both d. the retraction w...

The 5th Candle of Chanukah 5773, London To the Esteemed Members and Participants of Shiurim of the Beis Medresh "Divrei Chaim" In light of the "Gilui Da'as" [proclamation] that was publicised on 22 Kislev against your Rabbi the Gaon and Tzadik shlita , after he had resigned from those positions that gave rise to the complaints. Yet [the rabbis who signed the proclamation] were still not satisfied and publicised their decision for all to see. They decided all of this without a hearing in front of a formal Beth Din and a proper Din Torah in accordance with Shulchan Oruch, Choshen Mishpat . [This was required] in order to comply with the Biblical prescription "Hear the causes between your brothers" without which one cannot oust a rabbi's presumption of innocence. Prior to publicising their Gilui Da'ath , [Rav Padwa] ordered the formation of a Beth Din composed of distinguished out-of-town Rabbonim to rule on the matter as is set out in haloc...

Letter from Reb Chune posted in his shul I demand and request from all who frequent our Beish Medresh to participate in the shiur of Chumesh Rashi this Thursday night that is delivered by my son Harav (titles) Chaim shlita who with his wisdom and fear of God endows his listeners with great satisfaction bringing them closer to the Torah of God Written and signed with a special blessing to all who attend his shiurim. [signed] I too hope to take part in this shiur.

A letter in defence of Chaim Halpern from his brother-in-law, Rabbi Shimon Lemberger, the Makava Rebbe from Kiryat Ata in Israel. Essentially it is a character reference listing the great work Halpern has accomplished over the years and complains over the lack of due process in condemning him. The letter compares the campaign against Halpern to the battle against the Greeks all those years ago and takes some pot shots against the rabbis who have spoken out against him. It particular it singles out Dayan Lichtenstein, without naming him, for giving an interview to the Goyish Chronicle (the transliteration is slightly ambiguous and it could also be said to read ‘Jewish’). It also accuses the communities headed by the rabbis who have condemned him of holding functions which are against the Shulchan Aruch and yet no one protests at that. Rabbi Lemberger suggests penitence for those who have insulted Halpern, or have heard him being insulted without objecting, including a half-day fast ...

הנני בזה להודיע כי דברתי עם מרן הגאון מוהר”ר טובי’ ווייס שליט”א רב גאב”ד ירושלים עיה”ק ת”ו ואמר לי שהוא ימנה ב”ד לבירור דברים בהפרשה הכאובה, וכבר עוסקים בזה להרכיב הב”ד וד’ יפרוס סוכת שלומו על עמו ונזכה לראות בקרוב בישועתן של ישראל בבלצ"ג ברחמים רבים [מקום החותם] I hereby announce that I have spoken to Rabbi Tuvia Weiss the Rav and head of the Beis Din in Jerusalem and he told me that he will appoint a beis din to investigate the matters in the painful saga, and there are indeed those who are engaged in forming the beis din. May God spread His shield of peace on His people and may we soon merit to see the salvation of Israel when the Saviour shall arrive in Zion with great mercy. [signed]

If this was a competition in literary styles there is no question that the Halpern camp would have come up trumps. Indeed I would have been their staunchest cheerleader. The opposition has shown itself to be proficient neither in Hebrew nor in English and doesn’t even know on which side of the page "Bs"d" belongs. On the other hand, Chaim Halpern manages joined up writing fairly well while his father's letter is nothing short of a masterpiece. Although in delusion it belongs up there in the panoply of Comical Ali's victorious speeches as the tanks were closing in on Baghdad and Colonel Gaddafi's ranting interview on the eve of defeat, in style it is a work of art. It blends its arguments and persuasive tone with the best of biblical metaphor, rabbinical imprecations and chasidic lore to create a magisterial composition. It is truly an epistolary classic of its kind. So as not to deprive our Hebraically-challenged brethren I have translated the letter so tha...

A stirring epic to the Battle of Bridge Lane when a small brigade of fedora headed irregulars headed by the provident leadership of General Ehrentreu overcame the well-entrenched positions of the Blackcoats and Redcaps commanded by Lieutenant Padwa. After placing guns on the strategic position of Simon’s Castle perched on Mount Defiance, in late evening of 6 December 2012 Homa’s Fort fell to the liberating army and the enemy was routed. Thus ended the rule of the slave owning confederacy of the south. By our resident Bard “A Broken Bochur” After days of repelling waves of relentless denials and obfuscations directed by the Kedassia cabal in beleaguered Fort GG, the exhilarating scene of a band of resolute GG Rabbonim galloping over the crest of the hill is a sight of beauty. Hurrah, the cavalry has arrived and the spectacle of the venerable Dayan Ehrentreu, sitting erect on his steed, his sharpened lance aiming directly at Padwa's midriff, should serve to scatter off the Kedassia...

Public announcement signed by leading North West London rabbis that “the Rov concerned is not fit and proper to act in any Rabbinic capacity” and calls for the “merging of all the Shuls in North West London into one united body”. This is nothing less than going nuclear.

[Several people have complained that they cannot understand this post, so let me explain. This last Sunday I received a comment in 3 parts with a name to the comment. The commenter introduced himself as a professor in psychology (sic) in New York. He alleged that an enemy of Chaim Halpern has engaged in a tactic known as ‘pre-fiction-opinion’ and that ‘in excess of $20,000’ has been paid to a psychology professional to ‘design and conclude the tactic against the present victim.’ He claimed to ‘know’ this from Velvel’s comments. I thought the claim was utterly preposterous but nevertheless published it to allow the readers to decide. I then went on to read Parts II and III of the comment where the writer makes allegations that a specific psychologist in Cincinnati, Ohio ‘has published a named opinion against RCH’ and a lot more besides. After reading these further parts I could see they were written by a loon at best and so removed Part I. Shortly after, the same named commenter wrot...

And so it appears that we have reached the endgame. Weeks of plotting and intrigue have left us a stage looking like the aftermath of a Greek tragedy. Halpern slain in one corner, Padwa struck down in another, his signet ring carrying the Kedassia seal beside him splattered in blood with another Halpern swinging his sword indiscriminately in the last throes of death. As for the other players, they are like dancers at a masked ball fading into the night, though unfortunately no assassin amongst them. Enough, probably too much, has been said about the accused and the nature of the allegations and it is time to move on. Let's ignore for a moment every one of the allegations of which the vast majority of us haven't heard first person. Let us also ignore every statement we haven't been given the opportunity to read, every meeting we didn’t attend and the many quotes from rabbonim we haven't spoken to. We shall instead concentrate on the few incontrovertible facts in this so...

Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble An if I stay it will be double So come on and let me know This is a comment left on the previous post. Any suggestions? Ok fellow DC members. It's Friday morning, a time to make decisions about this shabbos, and about the future. I think it is fair to say that GG is a different place this shabbos than it was last shabbos. The dramatic developments have been a game changer. Last shabbos everyone was gung-ho. We were confidently stating that the whole thing would blow over somehow. This shabbos RCH is critically wounded, possibly fatally. His brother MH has become an object of public ridicule like never before. REH either has or has not resigned from various public posts, but is certainly on the warpath in favour of his family, a position that has minority support in the kehilla at large, if any. Our shul is in complete disarray. Kedassia in GG is at its lowest ever ebb possibly sin...

“Heads can only be checked by a trained expert”

So the day has arrived, the game's afoot and kick off just hours away. The vuvuzela shofers will sound, the home team will cheer the players bought from overseas by cheque book scribblers and not a few brown-bags if not brown-nosed bungs. The fans will wrap themselves in the team colours of black and white, many own goals will be scored, the captain is guaranteed to be ruled offside and if I'm not careful I'll shortly be running out of metaphors. But what do they hope to achieve and how do we measure their success? If a sell-out crowd is what they're after they have secured it by shrinking the stadium and summoning the kids which are never in short supply round here. We do have them for a reason, after all. If logging off or filters is their aim it may cause a temporary upward blip and then life will settle back to its normal course just as it did in the USA. The organisers will want to see how widely the event is covered on websites which their filters would otherwis...

Another day another poster. The anti-internet rally organisers have been pasting our walls for the last fortnight with the palette of colours technology places at their disposal while the opposition uses nothing more than an old fashioned word processor and so must do with black and white. The message however is clear: Leave the kids at home - this is not where they belong. If you want the kids to see their gedoilim take them to a shul not a stadium. The organisers have spent a fortune to shrink the stadium so that banks of empty seats are not flashed round the world by tweeters at the anti-tweeting rally. All they need the kids for is as a stop gap and so at worst they might have to readjust slightly the partition. Moving the goalposts is what they call it at Leyton Orient.

Hurrah for common sense! Finally someone is prepared to say what many are thinking and saying in shuls and mikves up and down the square mile that the event is an ego trip of our dear Rov and Rosh Hakohol and the expense, the invitees, the leaflets and the venue are simply to show that we can do everything that NY can. Except of course that NY has an eiruv . It may be for the wrong reasons but how refreshing to see a contrarian view in these mad times. Reb Elyokum may also be concerned only with children, teens and koilel yungeleit rather than the event as a whole but then one must be mad to want to bring kids along in the first place. Incidentally, the Schlesingers are also the ones who won’t hold their events in YHS which suggests they know a lot more than we do. Reb Elyokum: we’re all Briskers for a day!

Open letter to rabbis banning the internet (Yiddish) I would love to translate this letter which has been doing the rounds on the internet and if only I found the time. (Any takers?) It was written in response to the New York anti-internet rally in May and a recent incident which scandalised the Satmar enclave in upstate New York when a father of several kids was kicked out of the family home after confessing his atheism to his wife. Basically the letter blames the ills of the internet’s influence on our society on our rotten education system. If the rabbis are really interested in doing something about the problem, the letter says, they should stop navel gazing, banning and controlling. Instead they should institute some sorely needed reforms, teach children the beauties of a Judaism that isn’t about excluding, banning, beatings, petty disputes and power struggles and our children might not be dazzled and fall for the world outside their ghetto on their first point of encounter. ...

Inquisition… Enlightenment… Reform… Communism… Zionism… Technology – Find the odd one out In the race to the bottom that the anti-internet campaign has become it appears that no form of words is too stupid, no expression too trite, no metaphor too far fetched and no analogy too extreme for the fearmongers and thought police organising these events. Strange then that despite the apparent strength of their convictions and the steadfastness of their resolve the organisers will not spread the message beyond Hebrew and Yiddish speakers. Unlike strawberry, grape and fish infestations in which the English language is squished for the sake of saving a Jewish soul from the hazards of creepy crawlies, saving us from the catastrophe unleashed by the internet is confined to Hebrew and Yiddish speakers. So as a public service we will provide a blow-by-blow translation of the clarion call for a mass stampede to Leyton Orient’s home ground as leafleted daily in tabloid typeface, brash graphic...