If You Tickle Us...

***Update below*** Yesterday the frum community in Antwerp went to the polls to elect a new rabbi. We, by contrast, were handed our rabbi on a plate in a graveyard. Quite literally. Ok the plate bit I made up but the graveyard is almost true and in fact the announcement was made at the previous rabbi’s funeral. Or as Wiki puts it “The honorary officers of the UOHC announced the appointment of his youngest son, Rabbi Ephraim, as the new rabbinical head of the community.” How we would have cheered had it not been during the summer holidays when we were sunning ourselves in some summer camp rechristened, if that’s the word, Stamford Hill-on-sea for a couple of weeks. Alas we weren’t there and the officers who are honorary in name and name only had the field to themselves. They could have appointed a frog and we would have followed every hop and croak while persuading ourselves that we are the envy of the world. So they chose a dinosaur instead and we should be grateful to them for t...

Is it a coincidence that the oaf is male and the heretic female? No wonder the rabbis weren’t (aren’t?) happy for women to study Torah.

Stamford Hill is in a lather, or, given the subject matter, perhaps that should be a latte. Whatever, the place is frothing over the no simple matter of a litre of milk. 2 businessman from Golders Green backed by a third North Westerner have set up a milk supply to challenge the long-standing monopoly of Chareidi Dairies. So far so good, you may think, until you notice the kosher seal on the bottle and the peyos will drop. For if where there is muck there is brass, where there is kosher there is brass, copper, silver and more. And as will be seen, where there is kosher milk there is lots of cream too. For the last 10-15 years there has been a monopoly of kosher milk in London. This was supported by that bastion of holiness, Kedassia, who in return for a royalty on each litre of milk refused to certify rival milk supplies. However many sheitels you added to the cow's head its milk would remain treif. For as it is written in the Scriptures "Thou shalt mug the mothers for the...

News reaches me of the outcome of the Parent Governor elections mentioned below and I am left to eat my streimel. Not only were the elections held with no allegations of vote rigging or other impropriety but the winner was apparently the sole woman candidate on the list. She is a local educator so don’t expect anything too exciting but it is a victory nonetheless. Mazel Tov is surely in order and we hope she enjoys the soporific experience of taking part in board meetings where very little is debated and even less decided.

Shock. Horror. Disgust. Dismay. These are just some of the sentiments expressed by our Dear Leaders among the panoply of emotions generated by the news that elections are to be held in Stamford Hill. Not in our, or their, wildest fantasies did they, or we, imagine that there exists a power to compel anyone in the holy square mile to hold elections. We have been brought up that power is theirs by right, and just occasionally, when a contingency arises, by might, and now we are led to question our most basic and fundamental assumptions. How are we to contend with this, is the question on all lips. Admittedly, local and national elections are held at polling booths within shockling distance of our great institutions, and these are passed by the Rabbonim as permissible so long, of course, that votes are cast in favour of the right candidates. But as with all non-Torah-true influences great care is taken to ensure that alien concepts such as democracy, accountability and transparency do ...

The 'Rabbi' has always titled himself as the 'principal' of Yesodey Hatorah Schools or, sometimes, Yesodey Hatorah Secondary School. In 2003 the BBC  website has him as principal, in 2004 he was so called in The Independent , in 2008 in the Guardian  and more recently in the JC  on 21 September 2010, when the 'Rabbi' also said 'I have 150 employees..' presumably as principal of one or more of the schools. So why was he described in last week's JC as 'Charedi leader' and who and what does he lead other than his schools, unless a rent-a-quote career on any subject from human embryology to the number of people at a wedding qualifies one as a leader? Even stranger is his title in the recent interview with him on the Blood and Property blog  on the very subject of YHS where he is introduced as Yesodey Hatorah 'spokesman'. So has he resigned as principal? Has he been sacked? If so, by whom and why? And is it usual for schools to ...

He makes John Major seem exciting and muesli like your cereal of choice.

ConservativeHome is gloating this morning about a tory win in one of England's poorest wards . Either they’re being disingenuous or they are completely ignorant of politics round here. In reality it makes little difference either way. For those of you fasting tomorrow take it easy and don’t overdo it in shul!

This morning I see a representative from the CST patrolling outside a Kapores centre and I wonder if this is what the CST is for. The concerns of the organisers of this event are not primarily security because the CST is not seen at much larger local gatherings. Their concerns are animal rights activists and local authority inspectors who, rightly or wrongly, have in the past targeted this practice. In the USA there have been demos and concern has been expressed in this country too. Even within Judaism there are respectable views against Kapores with the Shulchan Aruch (in a 1565 edition) calling it a munhag shtus and that one should refrain from the tradition. Of course, if the ritual is carried out humanely there should be no reasons to fall foul of the authorities. So why is CST securing this event? Their role as expressed on their website is : to protect [the Jewish Community's] many achievements from the external threats of bigotry, antisemitism and terroris...

I should be wishing my handful of readers a Happy New Year and joking about the honey and how the chasidim go for the golden runny variety at the cost of £4 a jar and not the thick sliceable goyishe type that can be picked up on the cheap. And I should also be in bed so I can get up early for some pre-dawn penitence, followed by voiding promises and all the other traditions which make up Rosh Hashone Eve. I’ll however write something brief on the creeping extremism into Stamford Hill and how by stealth ever more stringencies and madnesses are being imposed on us. While it is the big stories that make the news it is the little stories that matter. They creep in unnoticed and in no time become the norm so that when the next madness turn up it seems only reasonable to let it pass. Of course a contrarian will say ‘a meshugass!’, some woman will say ‘and what’s wrong with that?’ and the rest of the world will shrug and do as they’re told. So here I shall keep a little flame of protest a...

Those with the gall to break out of the community are expected to slink away in silence, to disappear into the netherworld of mainstream society. It is this attitude which makes us writers so misunderstood in our community. There is no appreciation that people simply want to voice their opinion and tell their story. It must be self-hating, self justification, bitterness, vengeance, malevolence, sucking up to the goyim. In fact anything other than that perhaps there is a point and there is some validity in what is being said. And even if there is a point 'do you really have to let the goyim know what's going on?' Ah well, we'll go on writing and they'll go on vilifying.

Ha, with an opening like that what could I be referring to but the by now notoriously infamously shocking, gut wrenchingly nauseating, angst inducing, repentance instigating, Psalms resorting, redemption pleading article by Christina Patterson in The Independent . I know, I'm a Yiddl come lately as we're now almost a month after the event and no one's even talking about it any longer. I have however been away in the great après Tisha B'Av exodus when Stamford Hill puts on its collective skates and heads for the mountains, hills, sea and even slums, recreating them if necessary, so long that it's away. But shh don't utter it too loudly as the ganovim may pay you a visit and without the shomrim about who will be there to lend the cops a hand or stand in for them altogether? I'm digressing as usual. I was up to Ms Patterson's famous 'And I would like to say…' tribute to yours truly, his (or her if you choose) brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, n...

It was with great shock and sadness that the news was received that the Organ of Anglo-Torah Jewry, the one and only (thank the L-rd for that) Jewish Tribune is to close. Such is the degreee of yeridath ha'doroth that even charedim can't be relied upon to make the correct choice in their media preference. Oh how we shall  mourn the sagacity of the Buffoon, the wit of Alex Strom, the unrivalled madness of Judith Weil, those letter pages and how can the tears stop flowing when we think of the Woman's Tribune? Where will the heimishe ladies get their advice on women's health which was never addressed anyway or on women's rights which in any event is one big oxymoron? Sorry but with a stopped heart, flowing eyes and nose, stooping shoulders, cracked ribs, shoin enough already, we must wish you a gut shabbes and find some consolation in the kigel and tsholent. Yom Tefiloh, demos, letters to ambassadors and shnorrer appeals next week im yirtse HaSh-m.

Here is a quote concerning the announcement in the recent budget that housing benefit will be capped at £400 per week. I need to touch on a problem in the north of Hackney... where orthodox Jewish families will be severely hit. Such families typically have more than four children, and many of them live in the private rented sector, so the limit on benefit will have a devastating impact. The council and social landlords in Hackney will be unable to take the strain, so I need answers from the Minister on how councils will be supported in dealing with that. Now guess who it came from? The Tribune? Nah, too busy defending the Emanuhell racists and condemning the disinterment of yet more bones somewhere in Israel? The Hamodia? Also not I'm afraid. Their preoccupation is some other Israeli 'scandal' which concerns very few of us as well as of course the Hello style Rebbes page where their Divinities are shown in various forms of ecstasy celebrating the Redemption of the Firstbor...

In a rare show of solidarity seldom seen in this country or anywhere in the world rabbis of all persuasions, cults, creeds and colours (sorry black and white only) came out in unprecedented numbers to support the world wide web. Rabbis who have spent their life prohibiting the internet as the greatest threat to Judaism since the golden calf recanted in public and stood shoulder to shoulder and hat-brim to hat-brim to proclaim their belief in the dot coms and dot orgs of our age to redeem us of our orthographical errors. As the arch pro web campaigner fondly known as Dyno Rod in a rare public recant proclaimed 'We the Rabbonim have always been surfing the web to ensure that you are protected from the filth we are forced to endure for your sake. However for spelling sake and to avoid the even greater dangers of our teachers having to take an NVQ we have accepted that we may have been mistaken in the past and hereby announce the world wide web open for all. Hurrah! Mazel Tov! Oyf Si...

When is a party not a party? Of course, when it's a birthday bash by the Board of Deputies and the Buffoon is in attendance. This week he had the grace to tell us abou the 'meeting' he attended and all the wonderful things that happened to him. When was the last time you attended a 'meeting' where the women turned out as for Ascot and not a chair in sight? And do God's, sorry G-d's, emissaries on earth really attend BoD 'meetings'? I suppose we must put it down to the Buffoon's customary humility and modesty again. What an assett! How fortunate we are to have him in our midst and how impoverished the BoD for having him round for a 'meeting' once only in 250 years.

The following is an extract from this BBC story on the Russian spy scandal . The papers also allege the suspects travelled on false passports. A decoded message to Tracey Lee Ann Foley, accused of using a fake British passport provided by the SVR, reads: "Very important: 1. sign your passport on page 32. Train yourself to be able to reproduce your signature when it's necessary. 2. Pls, be aware that you just visited Russia... If asked, we suggest you use the following story: you flew to Moscow on Mar 16 from London for example flight SU 211 to participate in business talks..." She is told to destroy the memo after reading. I have yet to hear of the Russian ambassador being summoned for a dressing down, a Commons statement, expulsion of diplomats and not to mention press headlines and outrage by Ming Campbell. Yet another instance when it feels like Israel is the little kid in the playground trying so hard to behave like the big boys but the big boys just keep on s...

We in Stamford Hill have always known the very many reasons to be grateful to our askonim. Whether they are in the hatzole sounding their klaxons to save our lives, in the kosher business to fill our stomachs, in schooling to babysit our kids or in the fundraising industry to improve our souls by diminishing the contents of our wallets there is a common thread running through them. Selfless men and a few women too who give their all to save us from looking after ourselves. Wagging tongues don't deflect them and nay sayers don't deter them. They are on a mission assigned to them from heaven and if they happen to benefit indirectly from their good deeds not only do we not begrudge them their sidekick but we open our pockets to line theirs. We know that for the exalted few our needs are theirs and so it is only right that we should let them treat us as as they see fit. I am of course referring to those altruistic individuals who give from their time, their money, their jobs (i...

Has the JC become a Lubi ragsheet? I ask because in this week's issue they published a hostile review of The Life and Afterlife of Menachem Mendel Schneerson  by Samuel Heilman and Menachem Friedman. The book is not sympathetic to the Lubi line and not surprisingly the Lubavitchers are far from happy. As usual they've taken to  attacking the authors, the reseach, the sources and anything that is inconvenient to the demi-God they've made of the previous Rebbe, assuming we may talk of him in the past tense. A hostile review of course does not turn the JC into Lubavitchers but it's when you consider who the reviewer is and the basis for his hostility that you begin to wonder. The reviewer is David Klinghoffer who according to Wiki is a BT from reform judaism who in his writings seeks to promote opposition to Darwinian views of evolution. Show me someone with these credentials and neutral to Chabad and I'll consider reconsidering. I googled the revi...

Spare a thought for Dr Barrie Walker who in an interview with the BBC on the terrible murders in Cumbria made a somewhat infelicitous comment. To his credit he realised what he'd said the moment it was too late and if ever you wanted to see someone eating their words here it is at 0:55 onwards.

Little is known of the benevolence of Her Majesty's Government in our circles once Housing Benefit is taken out of the equation. Malchus shel chesed is a nice catchword for those who want us to repose our trust in them as the sole channel to the authorities who must be kept on side lest they herd us all on cattle wagons for transportation to the other side of the river lea. But in our day to day lives any beneficence of the authorities is wiped out by parking tickets, bailiffs and the nazis in the planning department. You could perhaps include the NHS though one could argue how benevolent it is to have to wait in a queue in the early morning cold to get an appointment with a doctor everyone knows to be a shlimazel. As to free education, as far as most Stamford Hillers are concerned it's like western civilisation to Ghandi: not a bad idea. But Yesodey HaTorah was supposed to change all of that. Parents who've been dodging the school-fees collector all their child-rearing...

When you think the Tribune can't get any madder along they come with an article on the Book of Rus. Does than mean we'll soon be getting stories of King Tholomon or only of Nasan the Prophet and Josef and Potifar? How Thackeray must be blessing his stars that he doesn't come to be mentioned in the Tribune.

Shh... not to be read if you're in Stamford Hill. Apparently it's only for the JC crowd  though you did read it here  first. We in Stamford Hill are only interested in what they're doing to some pagan bones in Israel and the Buffoon's witticisms week in week out. And as for what the AIHC is up to, you'll be told when they'll deign to let you through its doors and in the meantime please don't spoil the party. Perhaps Pinter was right after all when he said "I think it's worth mentioning that the Hamodia is now the main newspaper read by the community and not the Jewish Tribune"  though that didn't stop him sharing his views on PR in his guise as 'Voices of the People'. The trouble however is that the Hamodia didn't give us the Bournemouth news either, so they obviously have it from on high that it's something we're not meant to know. Since the last thing this blog wants to do is shed the innocence of the Hill's prec...

We don't discriminate, do we?

Without wishing to labour the point, according to the BBC Clegg said at this morning's cabinet meeting that an Indian relative told him that arranged marriages work better. So there you are. What however he has to know is that while shiduchim may indeed last until death doth them part there's not always much love in them. Her domain is in the kitchen, his in the office or in shul, meet during the week for a gulped down meal and shabbos for a bit longer and so long that they don't get on each other's nerves too much why should they split up? The price for divorce must also be a high one, stigma for both sides and poor shiduchim for the kids. But other than that it can go one forever. Fiddler on the Roof reaches Downing Street.

So the shidduch has gone ahead and consummated almost the same day but is it good for us? Jenny Tonge may be unlikely to be appointed as a minister with responsibility for the middle east but how are the rest likely to fare. On school issue Michael Gove, who is generally favourable, is no longer education supremo but is still minister for schools. Will that be enough to get a change in the law on admissions ? I doubt it, as the Lib-Dems are not sympathetic to faith schools and the Tories don't command a majority. It's not a priority for the Tories so it's unlikely to be addressed while these 2 are in bed. As to Israel, Hague in the foreign office, Lib-Dems at the cabinet table and Gove outside the cabinet. Oy vey iz mir! As for the economy, hospitals, transport and things that really matter, well yes but hardly the stuff to mull over in shul. UPDATE: Gove is Education Secretary after all but it doesn't really affect matters as a majority is required for a change ...

Apparently someone has bought The Grove Hotel in Bournemouth with the intention of setting up a new kosher hotel. More like a B&B at the moment but then you never know. The grapevine reports that Ita Symons of AIHA may have a part in it which could suggest a convalescence home of sorts. More to the point, will it have a minyen where the nearby flat owners can park their backsides on morns and eves? They should charge a prayer fee or it is bound to end up like the Normandy: the place you wouldn't be seen in other than to daven. To his credit it is said the late Rav Padwa tolerated a relatively lax kashrus regime at the hotel in order to provide a respite for those needing a break. If only he had adopted a similarly humane policy to an Eiruv his son would not have been bound to his crazy legacy.

What else can one say? They should see lots and lots of naches together un oyf simches by you. Will David Davis be Home Secretary ? It'll be moshiach times. The first PMQs will be one of those weddings where one side just can't imagine they're having to share a simche with that lot but were forced together and you must come along for the sake of the family. All you can do is pray that no one does something really embarrassing and that it's all over quickly.

Meeting another suitor while making up your mind? Are you out of your mind? Which half respectable parent would allow their child to be put through such insults. I mean it's not as if we're talking about an alte bokhur or a girl from a divorced family. This is for God's sake a party that got almost an outright majority, which makes them like the second best bokhur in the yeshive or the ex-sem girl who teaches, knows how to cook and how to dress. With someone like that you don't stand for this kind of nonsense. And anyway do you really want to get into bed, sorry go under the chuppah, with someone who'll consider that lot. If the Libs want them you don't want the libs. So David, tell Clegg the shidduch is off and let him drink Le'Chaim with the 'progressives' who follow you on every street corner, lock you up without trial and force you to carry an ID card even on Shabbos. Then sit back and watch it all fall apart and make a real effort, in the best...

It appears the party leaders are entering into classic shidduch mode. First dispatch a shadkhen, then the telephone call, followed by a secret meeting where everyone one arrives through the backdoor so that the neighbours don't notice. The meeting is just over an hour and since they seem to like each other they'll be meeting again tomorrow morning. Of course everyone wagging their tongues 'is it going ahead?' to which the answer is 'they must first sort out the finance', or the economy and the Euro in this case. One can imagine the setting. David sitting down with Nick, which school did you go to? Eton, wow! my cousin went there. And what do you do now? Looking for a job, oh I see. Boruch Ha'Shem the first bashau went well and they'll be meeting again. The boy's putting pressure that they've got something else lined up and they need an answer. She's agreed to wear a band so long that he doesn't put on vase zokn. Actually here it is, he ca...

We Yiddishe kep are supposed to be renown for the content of our craniums. Nobel prizes, desert blooming, Einstein and all the rest. What we hear less of is of yiddishe foolhardiness which blessed be the Lord above has been concentrated in Hackney to a disproportionate degree. Have a look at the local elections which took place in the shadow of the national elections. In the national contest Dianne Abbott's victory may have been a foregone conclusion irrespective of Satmar's canvassing on her behalf for her efforts to prevent Yemenites landing up on what she would probably deem Palestinian land irrespective whether they went to Gush Etzyon or Tel Aviv. The same goes for Jules Pipes who owes us nothing and does for us even less. Our representatives from the Buffoon onwards rubbed Labour's noses into it when it suited their agenda and now that we're on our backfoot it's payback time. Not at all fair especially when seeing his grovelling at the Muslim Centre but none...

Isn't it ironic that to cast a vote for a Jewish candidate one must wait for a national or municipal election? I mean voting for a PTA? What does that stand for? School governors? That's not a Jewish idea I think, definitely not da'ath torah . Board of Deputies? Those goyim , are you crazy? Rabbis are inherited , that's quite normal, but what about communal positions, surely there must be a vote preceded by a debate with vetted questions? Ok , you obviously know little about our hallowed way of life but since the Buffoon has promised us his wisdom only next week you'll have to do with mine as second best for the mo.

I went to vote and I felt empowered and part of something greater than myself. Let cynics scoff that my vote made not one iota of difference in this neck of the woods but still I voted. I voted for whom I decided to and not for whom the great and good ordained their flock should follow. But it's of course a lot more than that. Living in a community where my views are never canvassed, my voice is never sought and my opinions not deemed legitimate, where others purport to represent me without consulting me and my very presence taken for granted and treated with contempt, it is with pride that once in 5 years I exercise my right to cast a vote that together with millions of my countrymen and women will decide who is to lead this country for the next 5 years. You local charlatans may be no worse than some of the crooks in Westminster but they put themselves up for election and can be voted in or out at the whim of the people. Let us see you do that even once in a lifetime. Viva Democra...

Who will you be voting for? For the ones recommended by ex councillors, for the good-for- nothings simply because they're heimish , for she who rescued Yemenites or for someone of your own choosing? Other than Michael Levy who has worked for the general good, and took flak for his efforts, I know of many reasons not to vote for any of the heimishe candidates. They have given us a terrible name over the years and Hackney's planning policy is due in no small part to them and their predecessors. I do not know the wisdom of being represented by Tory councillors in a borough as red as ours and Haringey shows that the Labour councillors have achieved a lot more with a lot less fuss. So you guys continue to do what you do best and tarnish our name so that we will not be trusted municipally for generations to come. I however shall vote with my brains and not with the shape of your hats.

Here is the official invitation to come and take part in the 'debate' of the candidates who have deigned to talk to us. Questions submitted in advance to the address on the flyer ; questions you want answered, don't bother. The rabonim and the askonim will ensure they don't get asked.

So Jewish Care arrange a live debate for local candidates but questions must be submitted in advance. Why is that may I ask. Is this a national debate on prime time TV where questions must be vetted because time is at a premium and cranks must be excluded? Or is this a local debate for local issues where apart from the candidates all the smarmy machers who can't resist the allure of a lens and a notebook are guaranteed to show up to hold our hands and keep our mouths shut when we're in view of their prized contacts and networked pals? Jewish Care, if you and those behind this event think we can't be trusted in the presence of your imaginary high society then pack your bags and take some of our odious bearded bigwigs with you. And Diane Abbott, Keith Angus and Darren Caplan , if you want to hold a debate then I'm all for it so long that you throw yourselves open to questions from all voters and not just to questions vetted by Jewish Care or some other unelected 'c...

Can someone shed some light on what's going on at the Skinners School site in Stamford Hill? Here is the Hackney Gazette story . Although you can safely ignore our own media which are there for the sole purpose of steering us in the direction they see fit to take us and then persuading the world that we are loyally following, I was nonetheless intrigued by one line in the Hamodia, that Beis Chinuch had originally agreed to move but then had a change of heart. So what happened ? Is this another case of some mad, if not greedy, askan who thought he (never a she unless it is Ita Symons) had Berkeley Homes over a barrel and was told to go jump in a mikveh? If Beis Chinuch was supposed to get the site why are Belz and Lubavitch up in arms? Where is Rav Feldman, or has he been banished due to his 'ignorance' of a convicted sex abuser's crimes ? If Satmar was also to get part of the site, where is their voice? What caused 'Rabbi' Pinter to rear his hairy head? Are ther...