What a shot!

Kick balls not ass!

The perfect antithesis to this Bin Laden photo.

Now wait for one of our papers to excise Merkel.

YHS: Ofsted or no Ofsted?

Last week pupils at Yesodey Hatorah Senior Girls School were told that there would be an Ofsted inspection yesterday and today. An ‘inspector’ duly turned up yesterday.

Ofsted have confirmed that “Ofsted is not conducting an inspection of the school on those two dates.”

Parents, as usual, were told nothing.

Can the Principal or the Chair of the Board of Governors perhaps clarify what is going on?

I’m Backing Boris

If Ken pricks us do we not bleed?

If Boris tickles us do we not laugh?

If we have a choice shall we not vote?

YHS: Chareidi v Orthodox

Spot the difference

Above are recruitment ads for Science and English teachers for the YH Secondary girls' school. Nothing strange in that other than perhaps they may have run out of a ready supply of ex-sem girls and so must cast their net further afield. That however should be a cause for celebration as it indicates that the latest batch of sem graduates have spent their valuable formative years studying how to de-bug lettuce and sew hems and not filling their heads with such narishkeiten as the writings of that notorious anti-semite and his musings on Brutus and Casius. We have hespeidim of gedoilim beginning moirai vraboisai not speeches to friends and countrymen about thrice refusing crowns. That is not the Torah way.

Besides, do you know that Science KS3 has life processes as a subject which in turn includes repr-duction, rachmono litzlon? Is that what we needed a state aided school for to teach our heilige kinderlech how to have more kinderlech kenienehore, chas vcholilo?

Getting back to the advert which is what brought me here in the first place, you may have noticed on first blush that one has an email in the heading while the other one doesn't. Again nothing to raise an eyebrow since different audiences have different tastes and while one type of reader may shun a school that has no email medium for communication another may be attracted for that very reason. Anyway both have an email further in the text and so it's simply a case of not shouting it out too loud.

Ok, Tickle, your obsession with YHS seems to be getting the better of you and if this is all you have to say why not just shut up?

But, let me grab your wrist, hang on a second. Take a look at the beginning of the ad and you will notice that while the one on the right begins with YHS being an "Orthodox Jewish Voluntary Aided School based in Stamford Hill" that bit has been excised from the ad on the left. One searches for an explanation and wonders if it the Orthodox in the sentence the other paper objected to or is it the Stamford Hill bit?

The Torah as always comes to the rescue and it is only when we apply the 13th rule of Rabbi Yishmael's rules of extrapolation that we can make some sense. This is the rule that where two passages contradict each other 'until along comes the third passage and reconciles between them.'

And the third way in this case being our old friend, admissions.

As the admissions brochure above shows the O word dares not speak its name and it's the C word that predominates: Charedi. You know who they are, I assume. That group that is on the cusp of becoming the majority of Anglo Jewry and according to the 'principal' we should be planning ahead. Presumably by rewriting JFS admissions criteria and lining up some family members for the JLC and BoD. But oy how I digress.

Didn’t I mention reconciliation? So hold on tight because we are now going on a Talmudical roller coaster and here comes a long extrapolation, exegesis, exposition and reconciliation all rolled into one.

You see, the ad on the right comes from the JC whose readers are as likely to send their kids to YHS as the Chief Rabbi on the YHS podium is likely to appear in the Hamodia, and even if those readers were to apply the very taking of that paper is likely to win their application an instant place in the waste-paper basket and memeile we can spill the beans to them that we are O in order to attract those teachers who might turn their nose up upon sight of the C word and we still won't risk chas vcholilo a queue forming at those daunting iron gates (reserved for visitors only). Ma she'ein kein with the Hamodia where the advert on the left appeared if we were to tell their readers that we are Orthodox only rachmono litzlon and based in Stamford Hill noch it could affect business for the school hall whose hirers and leaseholders may take objection to the shande of an O presence in the holy square mile. We also can't mention the C word because there is a minhag not to advertise the school lest parents whose children are not lucky enough to be enrolled in the eponymous primary school clamour to get over those railings and we can't have a rabble at our gates as if we're an apple store launching a new ip-d, chas vsholem. Let them therefore think we're in the Outer Hebrides and don't even tell them we're Jewish and then maybe they'll stop fardreiing us a kop with applications and appeals so that we have more time to concentrate on applying the 4-inch-below-knee rule. So to sum up, and here we conclude, when writing to bring them in use the O word, when writing to keep them out use that deliciously indefinable C word which works a dream for exclusions and when straddling both worlds leave it out alltogether and a plague on both their shuls.

Phew, are you still here? Well, do hurry up, applications close today!

Winds of Change

Stamford Hill is changing. That may be stating the obvious though it would sound like news to many of those who descend upon us from time to time to describe us like some Amazonian tribe that talks in whistles and performs a ritual dance each time an aeroplane crosses overhead. They cannot be entirely at fault when some people who purport to speak for us like to present us as quaint delicate artefacts that are irreparably harmed when exposed to sunlight and require an army of representatives, carers, talkers to take care of our every unique need if not whim.

Yet despite their best efforts we are not what we used to be. We are more confident, more extravagant, less sarcastic and cynical, not so suspicious and secretive, less prudish and conservative, less hierarchical and respectful of authority but also brash and flash. Not all the change is for the better and there is much that I like about the old like paying for one’s way and not expecting life to be handed on a plate. I personally will never get used to the hysterical, sensational, shallow sentimentality that has been imported largely from Israel and to a lesser extent from the US.

However, I don't get to choose these things but nor can I ignore them. It would be impossible to try and lay a finger on the pulse of the up and coming and even less would I like to think what it means for our future because if one thing is certain whatever the future holds it ain't gonna be rosy. This is also a holiday week when people are extremely busy arranging outings and figuring out how to make a sandwich without the centre ingredients coming into contact with the outer layers. It is a feat that Hillel managed nicely some 2000 years ago but which appears to have been lost over time.

So rather than bore you with analysis and prognosis I present a list of old vs. new. This is not a value judgement and the old is far from dead while the new has yet to galvanise but it still tell us something. Like all lists it is likely to be invidious and undoubtedly reflects my bias but it should be fun nonetheless.

Old	New
Shops
Breuer & Spitzer	Carmel
Berger & Twersky	Berrys
Kleins	Firers
Hoffmans	Taam Hayam
Satmar, Oldhill	Satmar Fleisch Gescheft
Woodberry Down	Grodzinski
Shuls
Satmar 86	Satmar 26
Belz 99	Belz 98
Pinters	Kalish
Adath	Oireiso
Prominent families
Berger Padwa Schlesinger	None
Rabbis
Dayan Dunner Reb Sholem Freidman Rav Padwa Herschel Schneck	Shmuel Ludmir Reb Yossel Padwa Boruch Leib Rabinowitz Meilech Schwartz
Newspapers
Jewish Tribune	Hamodia
Der Yid Der Blat	Kol Ho'oilom Kilo Mishpacha Ami
Charities/Organisations
Tzorchei Shabbos v’Yomtov	Tomchei Shabbos
Chevra Kadisha	Hatzole, Shomrim, Chaveirim...
Beis Broche	Bikur Choilim
Reb Meir Bal Hanes	Japanese drug mules
Kashruth
Kedassia	Westheim Anything with Hebrew letters?
Areas
West of Dunsmure Rd	North of Ravensdale Road
Machers
Joe Lobenstein Avrumi Pinter Sholem Ber Stern	Oshi Schapiro Ita Simons Simcha Steinberger
To watch
No one	Refoel Grosskopf Aron Klein Benzion Papier
Cars
Volvo Previa	Chrysler SUV
Schools
Beis Chinuch Getters YHS	Beis Yaakov Girls Side by Side
Family size
Double digits	Shrinking
Chroniclers
Dudy Braun	The Shaigetz (z"l)
Eiruv
Fanatically against	Madly for
Benefits
Generally self sufficient	Heavily dependent
Lifestyle
Frugal and prudish Outings to the zoo	Tsholent fress-up receptions Quick Fit
Sport
Cricket, if at all	Arsenal Tottenham
What to say
‘Shreklich the price of eggs’	‘What do you think of Gaby (or The Apprentice, Britain's Got Talent etc.)?’
What not to say
‘The beat at last night’s chasuno was gevaldik’	‘Has your child been accepted?’