If You Tickle Us...

Immaculate conception?

2012-01-05T17:42:00.000Z

Bonei Olam (Builders of the Universe) is a charity that provides financial assistance to infertile couples. It is an international charity headquartered in New York with all the fundraising gimmickry we have become accustomed to in these types of chareidi organisations. Garish brochures, hair-raising stories, hysterical calls by the ‘gedoilim’ accompanied by every sentimental cliché decency and common sense should have prevented them from including. Intended to tug at potential donors’ heart, and purse, strings they usually induce severe bouts of nausea if not outright disgust.

The organisations tend to tell you everything there is to know about themselves except for that delicate thing called money. Generally, funds are raised to be spent immediately as we don’t really do long term. Featuring a supposed orphan with mock tears crying for the bread your money will supposedly buy is far more effective than telling you how your donation might cure malaria or cancer ten years hence.Giving people fish rather than teaching them how to fish is our preferred route to salvation and even then knowing how many fish have been raised and how much is syphoned off for commission is classified information.

In this case, due to the ‘sensitive’ nature of infertility –I mean we chareidim don’t quite do that, do we?- discreet meetings are arranged at private homes for men of means with leaflets tailored to whoever their godel happens to be. At the meeting a well laid ambush is set up with high-pressure tactics to get you to sign up for a direct debit. Those who pledged £1000 will tonight be wined and dined at a specially laid on dinner for the larger donors.

The leaflet heading is marked ‘London’ and the impression is that money raised locally is used for couples in this country. The footnote on the leaflet contains an exhortation not to discuss the matter in public so I shan’t say anything other than ask how necessary financial assistance for infertility is in this country where we’re blessed with the NHS? True, there may be a wait but with couples marrying in their teens what exactly is the hurry? Surely it’s not written in the scriptures that morning sickness is part of a couple’s bonding ritual during their first months while getting to know each other.

We also have a home grown charity Chana which although it carries out its work with less fanfare it is no less effective for that. It hosts public information events with professionals and also provides counselling. It is run on the whole by women though there are male support workers too and counselling is also provided in Yiddish. It relies less on the gedoilim nonsense which is a good idea as when it comes to reproduction gedoilim can be something of a turn off.

My point however is Bonei Olam’s logo of a single person, which looks male though it could possibly be a female with trousers, conjuring out of thin air an entire chareidi family albeit slightly on the small side. Difficult to tell how they do it. Perhaps the gedoilim can manage even miracles unknown hitherto since the days of Joseph and Mary or maybe they provide a cloning facility. If we can have Dolly the sheep why not Tuli, or Chaim, the kid?

Kafka and the Belzer Rebbe: “It lures me”

2011-12-27T01:16:00.000Z

LuckBatPoet (H/T Ze Hayom)

“Not only Sultan but also father, grammar-school teacher, gymnasium professor etc.”

The above photo is of Rabbi Yissachar Dov Rokeach (1851-1926), the third Belzer Rebbe, taking a stroll in Marienbad, now known as Mariánské Lázně in the Czech Republic. A spa town in the historic region of Bohemia, it was popular in the 19th century with ‘many celebrities and top European rulers’ visiting to enjoy the curative springs. Chasidic ‘royalty’ who know a good thing or two about material comforts were not far behind and many Chasidic, and non-Chasidic, rabbis frequented the spas during the summer months in the 1920s and ‘30s.

LuckyBatPoet has a set of photographs, Marienbad People, which includes barons and grafs and gives a flavour of the high society that descended upon the town in its golden era. Included in the set is a number of photos of rabbis, amongst them the Gerer Rebbe, Reb Elchonon Wasserman, Rav Dushinsky, the Viznitzer Rebbe and others. What however is striking about the photo above is because in another photo of the Rebbe the accompanying text reads:

Czech-German-Prague jewish writer Franz Kafka met 17.7.1916 this "miracle rabbi" from Belz in Marienbad and accompanied him and his followers in a long walk, he described this unusually, noteworthy and surprised meeting in a detailed letter to his friend Max Brod on 18.7.1916.

The above letter appears in the collection of Kafka’s Letters to Friends, Family and Editors and the photograph above almost complements the letter. There’s the chair carrier in the left forefront, the cane carrier to the right, the Rebbe with his ‘tall fur hat’, ‘long white beard’, ‘his hand resting on his waist’, the ‘silk [k]aftan which is open in front’, the ‘broad belt about his waist’, ‘the white stockings’ and a ‘demeanour marked by admiration and curiosity’. He could almost be writing about contemporary chasidim observing road excavations or gathering at a street commotion when he mentions ‘that characteristic Eastern European Jewish wonderment’.

Kafka had joined the Rebbe’s retinue at least twice and his report seems to possess all the naivety of an Alice in Wonderland. The similarities don’t end there. Like Alice he hangs about at the start doing nothing until there appears a bustling chasid, bearing a strong similarity to the White Rabbit, whom Kafka, like Alice, follows. The Chasid reappears though instead of searching for the Duchess's gloves he’s after spa waters for the Rebbe. While Alice observed a queen yelling ‘off with his head’ in this version it’s the Rebbe yelling ‘you are murderers.’

Kafka is drawn into a world he barely understands and is fascinated by everything he sees. When he observes the Rebbe’s comments to be ‘childish and joyous’ and that the thinking on the part of the escort is reduced to the same level he surely must be including himself. For he too stands accused of a childlike wonderment believing what he sees to be ‘truth’ which ‘an ordinary head cannot sustain.’ Alice morphs throughout her tale and it appears the Rebbe has brought about a metamorphosis of the author of the famous work of that name.

And as to the question, Who stole the tarts? I’ve scoured the photograph in vain for the ‘exceptional rogue’ with ‘the huge belly’, ‘smugness’ and ‘shifty eyes’.

A Freilichn Chanukah

2011-12-20T22:50:00.001Z

Mr Coffee: Good for the Jews?

2011-12-20T11:27:00.000Z

Stamford Hill is notorious for its lack of kosher eateries and has probably the fewest kosher restaurants or coffee shops per capita anywhere in the Semitic world. The first complaint you hear from visitors from abroad is that there is nowhere to sit down and eat. Don't start naming some greasy spoons which serve up a fare compared to which conventional junk food looks like a gourmet feast . Never mind too the several decent and half-decent bakeries (Indigs in Oldhill Street being the king by far) which don't offer any seating. If you wish to rest your tired limbs round here you can, if you belong to the male species, pop into any number of shuls where free or vended coffee is available all day, but forget about a bite in pleasant surrounding, with pleasant food and, dare I say, pleasant waiting staff.

The reasons are manifold. We are a conservative community and the vast majority especially of the middle aged to older generation prefer nothing better than their wife's schnitzel and roast potatoes consumed at the head of the kitchen table. If they must eat out, a plate of tsholent and kugel at a reception or kiddush will do nicely. With the latest fad for serving tsholent and kugel to the dancing guests at weddings many of those invited for the dinner sneak off for the grub in the foyer rather than bother with the schnitzel/roast chicken which is so tricky to handle and especially in public.

A greater proportion of the younger generation do like their food and wine. Grapevine is popular and a new wine shop on the Hill has now joined the fray. Yet they will drive to North West to spend their dining pounds. There is a degree of snobbishness as sitting down in Stamford Hill means sitting down with our own which is ok if you must but not for a quiet evening out with the Mrs. There is a also a fair number of foreign emissaries (to put it politely) with whom one doesn't exactly cherish sharing a romantic evening with the better half.

And then there is the prowling wolf of Kedassia. A local eatery would have to carry a local hechsher with some bearded mashgiach sniffing you out before you've even considered the menu. Even that is jumping the gun and I'm not sure how glad Kedassia would be to grant a hechsher to a fashionable place where young couples turn out, he hatless and jacketless and she dressed to the nines with a hat perched precariously on the latest word in wigs. There is also the occupational hazard of being spotted in that company and jeopardising in the process a cherished place for your kids you know where.

So the local connoisseurs make off to NW where they can indulge themselves with any company and any hechsher so long that there are some Hebrew letters in the window. The North Westerners are happy to take our dough, the local hotheads are spared having to print anonymous bans and threats and the most recent local restaurant is an elegant Brazilian/Italian establishment next door to Tasti Pizza. Rumour has it that Grodzinsky will shortly be opening a coffee shop at the former gaming place on Clapton Common. In the meantime however halachic innovation and ingenuity have given us a new bread freshly baked on Shabbos with virtual supervision from Australia but as far as a decent meal is concerned round here by Kedassia bread alone must man liveth.

Which is where we come to Mr Coffee. Two doors away from Grodz on Clapton Common an enterprising Jewish chap has opened a tiny coffee bar just besides the bus stop selling sandwiches, steaming hot coffee for £1 a shot, a couple of attractive baristas and cakes brought in from Tesco. Yes, you read that correctly, non-kosher cakes and for all I know he may even be using that milk, Go- forbid. Because rather than wait for Kedassia to impose their conditions he went it alone. Drawing a pound of flesh in a milky establishment may also have posed a kashrus problem.

True you can't sit down there and he's unlikely to attract a Jewish clientele at so central a location but, still, it's a start and unfortunately the only way forward. If you can't beat 'em, trash 'em seems to be the message and we at Tickle wish him much hatzloche. They even managed to sneak in some publicity for Mr Coffee in the most holiest of ad-only publications which carries not chas vecholilo a single opinion. Watch this space however because probably as I write a notice is being drafted beginning 'It has come to our attention…' or something to that effect informing the world that the establishment is not kosher. As if anyone ever asked.

In the meantime, Thank You Kedassia for yet another service, in addition to the eiruv, to the community.

London Beth Din ruling on Springfield Synagogue

2011-12-19T05:43:00.001Z

Occupied Territory at Springfield Synagogue

2011-12-15T16:50:00.001Z

I was going to write with a background to this but time’s in short supply. Battle has however been joined in the other post so I’ll move the messages over here and let them continue but please folk keep it civil.

Outside the Tent p****ing in

2011-12-13T16:05:00.000Z

For translation see below

If you like following Anglo-Jewish politics, and no one will blame you if you don’t, you will know the politics of making a big tent for anything. A bit like I’m a Celebrity except that it goes, I’m a Reform Get Me Into There. The right wing of the US responds, We’re (pseudo) Charedim and get ya the hell outa here because you’re as welcome as Berlusconi at a Bat Mitzvah party. At this point the Jewish miLlionares Club (aka JLC) will see it as their duty to intervene with their own version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or, rather, who wants a share of our millions. No 50/50 lifelines but an edict to phone-a-‘friend’ or else. Naturally, the Board of Deputies follows suit and, and, come on, wake up there at the back.

If you’ve followed this far you’ll have heard of the Big Tent events which basically gather together similarly minded pro-Israelis who spend a Sunday bemoaning boycotts and deligtimisation of which we are supposedly the hub. After a few cockle-warming speeches and feeling awfully sorry for Israel and disgusted by its detractors everybody goes home feeling they’ve done a good deed and gone out of their way to do their bit for Israel. Of course, the Israelis themselves couldn’t give a monkeys and they happen to think that we’re more into Christmas than Chanukah. The biggest elephant nowhere near the tent remains Israel’s inexorable slide towards a racist theocracy which continues unabated but trust these guys to see the enemies anywhere but staring in their face.

Anyhow, if pro Israelis unite on anything the nay-sayers of Stamford Hill must have a contrary position and so they have. A bit late but this is Stamford Hill after all. In the notice above we are exhorted to stay away from such events, which may only be referred to by its acronym, and told that anyone who has ‘a brain in his coconut’ will know that they bring no good to the Jews. Not, surprise, on tznius grounds, but apparently because this non-event of an event of which other than some bickering machers few have heard of could jeopardise and endanger our very existence in this country. (As for wholesale reliance on state handouts, I’m afraid the notice is silent on that point.) And if not for the notice we would of course have been flocking to it in droves.

The signatories are mostly Satmar affiliated though for reasons known only to themselves Padwa and Halpern Snr added their names. Belz and Ger steered clear as did Dayan Dunner despite his anti-Zionist streak. Also absent are Halpern’s sons and in fact there are no Golders Green rabbis at all who generally lead a more nationalistic flock. This is the second time Padwa has alligned himself with the loonies on Israel; last year he signed for a demo at the embassy on grave digging. Rabbi Schneebalg of Manchester has more sense and knowing that he serves a wider community, abstained. Shame Padwa didn’t inherit those aspects from his father who would have no truck with any of this.

Perhaps the most surprising signatory is Dayan Gukovitsky of Springfield Shul which is affiliated to the Federation. It may have something to do with his territorial battle over his shul and wanting to gain some right-wing allies which he is sorely in need of, but more on that another time.

Translation

A Call from the Rabonim

In light of reports of various meetings (BTFI) across England (currently in Manchester), it is obvious to anyone sensible that such activities and their like are of no benefit to Jews, God forbid.

It is unnecessary to dwell on their inherent dangers and it is incumbent on everyone to avoid attending them and to do everything to publicise and announce that these meetings do not speak on behalf of Jews who believe in God and His Torah. God forbid to allow this destruction to enter England where thank God we dwell under the protection of the state, may its grace be exalted*, which is a benign realm.

We are obligated to pray for the well being of the realm and not to become involved with various people [groups] the majority of whom have cast off the yoke of Torah and mitzvos entirely or in various degrees, and their habit is to maraud and cause destruction.

In the merit of undertaking upon ourselves the yoke of our exile and behaving with humility in this country as we have in each and every generation throughout the thousands of years of our exile may we merit to be saved from all forms of peril and to the arrival of the Messiah speedily in our days, Amen.

London [27 November 2011]**

Signatories

* An expression used for the Tsar and Kaiser and is not used very often nowadays.

** The date of the Manchester Big Tent event though the notice was publicised only last week.

Yesodey Hatorah Senior School: holding its figures to account – Part II

2011-12-06T12:15:00.000Z

See Part I below

Rather than quibble with Ofsted's grading I have run a simple comparison exercise on the Department of Education website comparing YHS to other Hackney secondary schools for which figures are available. The results, which are for 2009-2010, are produced below.

I will let the figures speak for themselves and merely say that either the individuals/family/board or whoever runs the school has developed a miraculous formula by which they can achieve an 'Outstanding' grade yet spend overall only 86% of their allocated budget, and less than 50% of it on actual teaching, employ less than a handful of FTE (full time equivalent) qualified teachers, maintain a teacher to pupil ratio that would barely fit the school hall though with a back office budget that exceeds each of the other schools.

Or these figures are crying out for some other explanation.

Attainment

These show YHS to be well above the national average and very high across the board.

Who is teaching the children?

The number of qualified teachers is astoundingly low and the pupil to teacher ratio relates to qualified teachers only.

How is the budget divided?

Since the income per pupil differs for each school the figures below are based on percentages of the income/spend per pupil. Note the relatively low percentage spent on teaching, the relatively high back office costs and the high unspent budget. It would be interesting to know why these funds aren’t being spent and what happens to this apparent surplus. The amount spent on building and energy is also high especially as it is a relatively new building.

Free School Meals

This is a particularly curious statistic as the 'principal' appeared on the BBC in relation to proposed housing benefit reforms to complain about the disproportionate effect it will have on this community. Yet here is a benefit administered through the school but the take up is incredibly low.

Data for individual schools is from the Department of Education's website for comparing schools and the national data is from this DoE page.

(Thanks to those who assisted with the charts)

Yesodey Hatorah Senior School: holding its figures to account – Part I

2011-12-06T07:45:00.001Z

When criticism of YHS is aired, which is not very often since other than a mikveh or shul chat we don't really have a platform for debating these issues and the school is as likely to provide one as chickens would provide a venue for kapores, but nevertheless on those rare occasions when the matter is discussed the stock in trade defence usually goes something like this:

Firstly, this is the best you'll ever get round here and if this lot is done away with their replacement is likely to be some truly frightening loonies who will destroy all the positive things about the school. And anyway, the argument continues, the school has been rated Outstanding by Ofsted, their grades are well above average and so what is there to complain about. That the rating did not apply to Governance is unlikely to tax many in Stamford Hill where committees, meetings, minutes, resolutions and votes are not something many lose much sleep over.

I do not intend to dwell on these arguments at length because however good a job they may be doing it is still no excuse to monopolise a communal asset . It cannot be right for a school to be run by a small, largely self-appointed and unaccountable clique. Without others having a chance to genuinely participate in the running of the school at all levels we will never truly know how good a job is being carried out and whether it cannot be done better.

That aside, there are serious flaws in both arguments. The charge that we are unlikely to get anything better and will probably end up with something considerably worse is dangerously defeatist. Essentially it says that we are inherently incapable of running anything in an organised manner and so we must fall back on entrenched powers whatever the allegations of cronyism, nepotism and worse.

This is a gross insult to the many intelligent and perfectly capable men and women in Stamford Hill who can and do run public bodies in a fairer and more open manner. One would have to ignore the achievements of Agudas Yisroel Housing Association, Hatzole, Chaveirim, Bikur Cholim and many other communal bodies that do valuable work and yet are not run by a single strong man and his immediate and extended family.

This extends to schools too. Beis Chinuch is run by a committee and while it may be to the right of YHS it has also been rated 'Outstanding' in many areas. In addition, the recently opened Beis Yakov primary school only came to life as a result of YHS's invidious and arbitrary admission procedures, if they can be called such. It was set up and is run by a committee of volunteers, it is to the left of YHS and is now operating in its second year.

The main argument however remains that the school has been graded 'outstanding' and so if it ain't broke why fix it?

Continued in Part II

Words words (kosher) words

2011-11-28T10:49:00.001Z

Letters (not) published in The Write Lines, the famous letters page that arrives from parts other publications won't acknowledge to exist

Dear Editor

Like all heimishe yieden everywhere I was overwhelmed by hakoras hatov for the dedicated chosheve askonim who have made available the kosher dictionary. I immediately went out to the Hill to get one so that my children ke"h should no longer cholilo come across posule words when doing their homework. (Mentioning homework reminds me of the letter I wrote last year about the geferleche load of homework the girls are given so that they can't help their mothers in the evening, but now I am writing about something else.)

I had barely sat down to browse the new dictionary when I landed on my behind after noticing the word 'bum'. I didn't chas v'sholem go looking for such words but it literally stuck itself in my face. Luckily my children were not yet home so I could stick the pages together because oi lorosho v'oi lishcheino and I can't bear my children knowing other words that are tome from sitting so close to that disgusting word. But it made me realise that, like lettuce, how important it is to check even something with a hechsher. If rachmone litzlon that word crept in who knows what else might chas v'cholilo have been overlooked.

I am mamesh trembling with shock after searching a bit deeper at some of the words the Rabbonim didn't get to notice. I know I must be careful at the words I use in your publication which spreads yiros shomayim and ruchniyes to our kehille but it is equally important that parents are not chas vesholem nichshel. I ask those with heilige oigen to please look away but how can we tolerate our teiere neshomelech looking up words like 'butt', 'buttock', 'bottom' and 'breast'? I am ashamed to say this but even the word 's-x' was not taken out. What kind of chinuch are we giving to our precious kinderlech by including such miese verter? My father olev hasholem would wash our mouths with soap if we mentioned much more eidele words and here we have the worst possible words noch with a hechsher!

I immediately called my husband who told me not to do anything until he comes home from koilel because it's a sha'le if you must put it in sheimos as it has a hechsher or whether you are allowed to burn it because of those words. He agreed absolutely that such a book has no place in a yiddishe shtib and we must be so careful not to fall into the hechsher trap. I can now understand how meat from the same hechsher came to be transported with dovor acher after seeing those chazerishe words in a book certified by a lemehadrin authority.

What I think is even more shameful is that I saw in the Tribune by my friend's house (we don't buy beshite any papers) that Rabbonim who are fluent in English went over this dictionary before giving it a hechsher. First of all are such Rabbonim really suitable for us erliche yieden? And second of all how can we now trust a rov if we know he has sifted through all this shmutz? Maybe that's why there is no haskome because even the Rabbonim were ashamed that they had to read such treifene books. And third of all maybe that’s why they left in all those words and it's a simen they can't even talk such good English. They for sure can't talk French because they left 'lingerie' lying about in full view of the boys and rachmone litzlon even 'thong' was stuck in. Do they know the achrayus of publishing such a book? No wonder so many children are going off the derech if their precious neshomolech get to see such tomene words.

But I don't want to be nichshel with loshen hore and rechilus and also we must be dan lekaf zechus. The Rabbonim did include ‘spank’, beat', 'pinch', 'smack' and 'hit'. Boruch Hashem the Scrooges shlito also remembered to leave out 'Christmas' and even had the seichel to cut out 'fossil'. But couldn't they also remove 'evolution'? Isn't there enough kfiro that we need some more with the best hechsher in the world?

I also hoped at least they would include some heimishe English words like cheder, yeshive and shiduch. No wonder those chachomim from Oxford were so nispoel of the request for such a dictionary (besides that they required the cost of 2000 copies to be underwritten). The Rabbonim allowed them to teach our children narishe words like 'lugubrious' and 'rumbustious' which no one will anyway ever use but were ashamed to allow Hashem and mezuze? The Tribune thinks it was a kidush Hashem but it's really a huge chilul Hashem if you can't include 'God' and not even 'G-d'!

May we be zoiche to kedushe and to be nitzel from all the nisyoines that today's dor produces even with a hechsher.

A Dedicated Yiddishe Mame

***

Dear Editor

I heard rachmone litzlon that some children have developed a new game where they have to guess words and then look it up in the kosher dictionary. If the word’s in they lose a point and if it's out they gain a point. My eyes are filled with tears writing this that such a michshoil could come out from a koshere dictionary and the musar haskeil is to avoid using Rabbonim who can speak English which boruch hashem is not so bad by us.

An Experienced Mechanech

Know not the Tribune their Scriptures?

2011-11-14T04:38:00.001Z

We’ve always known the Jewish Tribune to fill its pages with buffoonery, fundamentalism, propaganda, selective facts, myopia, amnesia and even to suffer from the occasional bout of racism if Geoffrey Alderman is to be believed. But at least we read it secure in the knowledge that whatever else they may be, heathens who know not their Scriptures they are not and from the Tribune shall go forth the Torah.

Until last week that is when under the photo of the visit of some C-class celebrity to the tomb of the matriarch Rachel the Tribune placed the tomb in Shchem. Although there is some debate over the correct location no one but the Tribune has to date placed it in Shchem.

I find it most humbling that it has come to this but let me teach the Tribune a posuk in the chumesh that many a child has shed many a tear over for not knowing anything from the context of the posuk in the chapter to the context of the tomb on the way to Bethlehem and not to mention Rashi’s multiple translations of kivrath eretz.

וַאֲנִי בְּבֹאִי מִפַּדָּן מֵתָה עָלַי רָחֵל בְּאֶרֶץ כְּנַעַן בַּדֶּרֶךְ בְּעוֹד כִּבְרַת-אֶרֶץ לָבֹא אֶפְרָתָה וָאֶקְבְּרֶהָ שָּׁם בְּדֶרֶךְ אֶפְרָת הִוא בֵּית לָחֶם

And as for me, when I came from Paddan, Rachel died unto me in the land of Canaan in the way, when there was still some way to come unto Ephrath; and I buried her there in the way to Ephrath--the same is Beth-lehem. (From the JPS 1917 edition)

The Remaking of a Godol

2011-11-09T07:46:00.001Z

As you read in the weekend press the inevitable hyperbole on the passing of Reb Nosson Tzvi Finkel with tales of him knowing shas by the age of 5 and his teachers being unable to teach him shortly after, consider his school card where in his teens his ambition was still ‘Undecided’. Is this ‘child father of the man’? Born and raised in the USA will unfortunately make it slightly more difficult to deal with that nuisance called history but trust our papers to find a way round it.

Here though is an inspiring piece concerning Reb Nosson Tzvi by Howard Schultz, chairman of Starbucks.

(Credit: On The Main Line)

In The Beginning…

2011-11-04T15:08:00.001Z

We may well be reading the third portion of the Torah this coming Shabbos but since it's the third out of 50 odd sidros it's fair to say we've barely started. We Jews are fortunate for many reasons. Like Paddington Bear we get two birthdays and even two new years: one for getting blasted, the other for getting plastered. In fact it often feels as if we get a third new year when after the celebrations of the first weeks of the new year we roll back the Torah to the beginning at the opening chapter of Genesis and start again In The Beginning…

That was two weeks ago yet in that time a world's been created and destroyed, humans have come and gone with alarming frequency, man got his woman and together they sinned (what else?), were cursed and expelled. Naturally enough man 'knew' his woman, for if you're not in the Eden you were given you might as well create one for yourself, and they begot offspring. And this is basically what has been happening ever since.

There's also been fratricide, a deluge, inebriation followed by indecent exposure (some things never change), attempts at building a skyscraper, attempted rape, a battle, abductions, celestial visions, bitching wives, men falling out over money and yet we're only up to the 3rd portion. Some book Bereishis is and though unfortunately I'm not always the most decorously behaved in shul when it comes to the reading during these weeks I sit enraptured and devour every word.

We wouldn't be Jews if we weren't always seeking the 'deeper meaning' and God knows how the verses of His books often pass through so many hoops that I'm sure there are times He blushes when He sees the meanings attributed to His words. And yet it is difficult to read these chapters without seeing in them a universal message. Both Darwin and the Bible agree that we began in complete ignorance and without clothes on and the argument appears to be whether we evolved to Gucci via Primark or whether it was a fig leaf from Victoria's Secrets at the outset and we've been going downhill ever since.

Moving on to tomorrow's portion which begins Lech Lecho, meaning 'Go for your sake' (Rashi), or, 'Get thee out' (JPS following KJV), when God told Avram to leave his 'land, birthplace and father's home to the land I will show you.' There is a mystery at the heart of it as to why God chose this particular chap and told him to abandon everything in return for untold richness and greatness. The rabbis came up with tales of how Avram came to know his creator, his zealotry, what we now call 'outreach' and attempted martyrdom. They all seek to answer the central question, why him?, and by extension, why us?

When in Jewish-centric mode I see in the story of Avram the story of the Jewish people wandering from pillar to post to a land they have yet to be shown. We left the land and birthplace of the father of our nation to go to a land we were then driven from and we're basically back to where we started. It also makes us somewhat homeless: always on one place looking from and to elsewhere.

However, since I prefer to spend my time in a universal state of mind I like to see the story of Avram as as a metaphor for the human condition. To acquire greatness and riches, be they intellectual, spiritual or material, or to improve the human condition one must shed dogmas and baggage of the past. You must leave your intellectual 'birthplace and father's home' and go to a land that will be shown to you. The journey may start simply by leaving the past behind despite not knowing whence it is heading. For greatness lies not in certainties and absolutes but in the confidence to admit that what has been cannot continue and a burning desire to find something brighter and better.

And now let me bring in the protestors round the world dwelling in tents like Avram and calling for change. Many have criticised them for not having a solution to the problems they complain about. But that appears to say that what is must remain until there is a viable alternative. That may sound practical but is not how real and fundamental change is brought about. The Torah teaches us that one may leave behind a corrupt past even if the route ahead is unmarked and the destiny unknown. In the beginning shed the past for abandoning what has been is the first step of the journey and like all first steps it is often the bravest.

Good Shabbos!

Touchy feely chareidim

2011-11-02T23:56:00.001Z

Occasionally one comes across a statement so audaciously outrageous, so leap-from-your-seat politically incorrect, so preposterously preposterous that you simply freeze on your first encounter. You then go back to the beginning of the sentence to make sure you actually read those words. Still reeling from incredulity that such sentiments could be uttered in our prejudice-free era you reread the paragraph, restart the article and even check the cover of the book or masthead of the paper to ensure that the context, the tone, key and pitch of the words which so profane all our sancrosanctities are not only there and carry their usual meaning but were actually intended to mean as they do.

Such were the words in Geoffrey Alderman's article in last week's JC which I reproduce here in their full glory.

It is, however, well known that charedi men are notorious harassers of the opposite sex.

And then when you finally thaw and are sitting comfortably again you are at a loss at how to respond? What does one do and say in such instances? Pitch tents outside the JC's offices or Mr Alderman's home with banners reading 'members of the opposite sex welcome?' They'll just use it as further proof of our roving fingers. Initiate a chesed campaign of holding doors open for the fairer sex to show what a gallant and chivalrous lot we are? For goodness sake we don't even look at them so how are to we know when they're coming and going. Perhaps get the Neturei Karta involved to walk to Trafalgar Square on Shabbos with banners pinned to their bekitshes, 'Chareidi and not Harraser'. Or, preferably, 'WE FRESS NOT HARASS'.

Alderman is a man of many talents but impartiality is unfortunately not one of them. Let us not forget that Alderman is also the columnist who publicly rejoiced at the brutal murder of a peace activist because he happened to favour the Palestinian cause. There appears to be nothing the Israeli government can do that will condemn them in Alderman's eyes and nothing chareidim can do to win them his praise. Heaven help us were a similar sweeping statement to have been made against Israelis. You'd have Melanie Phillips squalling in the shrillest tone she has yet to muster and Alderman himself collapsing apoplectically from his perch smothering Jonathan Freedland below him. Yet when it comes to the frummers you can malign, slander and impugn us with impunity and none of the Jewish anti-bigotry campaigners on the left and media obsessives on the right will take up cudgels on our behalf.

But before the unnaturally gifted columnists of the Hamodia and Tribune indignantly dip their quivering quills in their seething inkpots it is worth considering what leads a commentator to make such a sweeping statement. As outrageous as it may be the fact of the matter is that tales of harassment, child abuse, violence, fraud and a whole panoply of crimes are reported against chareidim with increasing frequency such that they are hardly news items any longer. Yet they are met with total silence from chareidi leaders and press.

When a London couple were arrested in Israel last year for allegedly abusing and trying to abduct their daughter, Tehilim was recited for the suspects and the victim was instantly declared mad and wayward. In Israel violent demonstration have been held in defence of murderers and abusers often with the tacit if not express support of some leaders. Yet these leaders are not shy of heaping a curse or two for anything from the misdemeanour of too short a skirt to the cardinal sin of possessing a blackberry.

Besides, without getting too talmudical about it, Alderman didn't say sexual harassers but merely harassers. In my shul on simchas torah small kids were slamming doors and knotting curtains in front of adult women to block their view of the men's dancing. In other shuls women were yelled at and threatened for not clearing the exit. From young girls to adult women, the opposite sex are constantly made to feel that there isn't a malady in the world that hasn't been caused by their lapses in tznius and which won't be cured by an inch on the skirt and off the sheitel respectively. One would indeed require a heavy dose of talmudic ingenuity to argue that these are not forms of harassment.

So before our apologists and 'spokesmen' get onto their soapboxes and cry wolf yet again they may wish to reflect how their whitewashing over the years has led to criminals feeling safe in the knowledge that they can always rely on support from the home side, while those on the outside will not believe a word uttered in our defence. We revere the leaders who lead us astray and by our reverence and blind obedience we come to be tarred with the crimes they condone by their silence and inaction when not by their express approval and encouragement.

Former Canon of St Paul’s converted. By the Chief Rabbi

2011-10-29T23:46:00.001+01:00

This is what the recently retired canon of St Paul’s Cathedral, the Rev Giles Fraser, had to say in an interview in Friday’s Guardian:

"I used to be a socialist and for a long time I did have the view that there was something intrinsically immoral about capitalism. I changed my mind quite fundamentally about that quite a few years ago. I had a conversion sitting in Notting Hill market, reading the chief rabbi on the subject – an essay called 'the moral case for market economy'.”

Perhaps not quite a road to Damascus moment but then Notting Hill is a lot safer especially these days.

I do however wonder whether the Chief would ever dare tell the world of a conversion of his by a leader of another faith. He got himself into trouble in the past when suggesting that Judaism may have something to learn from others, which he then hastily retracted. Ever since he has steered clear of sensitive issues for fear of getting tangled in the knotty beards or the crocheted yarmulkes.

It is a shame he lacks his predecessor’s forthrightness on anything from Israel to charedim. For while the world benefits greatly from his writing and speeches Judaism sorely lacks someone of his stature and capabilities to give us some straight talking.

Well, a rabbi resigning on point of principle. When was the last time you heard that one?

Cometh the hour, delayeth the chosid

2011-10-09T09:49:00.000+01:00

Should you ever have had the good fortune of being invited to a Stamford Hill wedding you will know that of all the songs belted out at these affairs, get me to the church on time is one you will not get to hear. The inoperative word being not so much the church as the ‘on time’ because if anything can be guaranteed it is that the affair will kick off at least an hour late. And that’s early. This is not only a Stamford Hill affliction but one that applies to chasidim in general wherever they happen to dwell. If an explanation were ever needed of this rather unpleasant habit (with which yours truly is equally hampered) the days of selichos which we have just put behind us are as good as any.

During the selichos days men rise earlier for the pre-shachris service which commences at about 6.15-6.30a.m. Not terribly early one would think, and not much earlier than many a working person rises to get to work on time. Not everyone gets up that early as there are later services but most will rise earlier than usual for the additional prayers. And those that don't will be home later than usual having to fit in those extra bits to find favour with the Almighty during the days of judgement.

Nothing terribly unusual as the Jewish calendar constantly calls for changes to schedules. The difference with selichos however is that unlike the Holidays when the world largely comes to a halt as far as we are concerned, the selichos disruption is on regular work days and once prayers are over life continues as usual. The extended prayers are followed by work or kolel, schools teach, shops trade and stuffing our gullets with food is not a religious obligation. Yet, and this is the point I'm getting to, as a result of this minor disruption the boys' schools' entire timetable is rewritten. The poor Hebrew teachers have to get up a few minutes earlier and the school bell ringing in the start of the school day must wait. And this is the first lesson kids get on the malleability of time.

These are of course the same schools that keep their charges indoors in front of desks for most of the day, where sports and exercise classes are largely unknown, half term unheard, holidays kept to a minimum, and the only days off are Fridays, when parents are not generally available and Shabbos preparations occupy most of the time, and Saturdays, when life comes to an abrupt halt like a lift stuck between two floors. This is so ostensibly because Torah study is paramount and bitul Torah, neglect of Torah study, is widely deprecated in the classical texts. Yet during the Days of Awe when we are supposed to try and curry favour with our Creator precious study time must give way to the poor rebbes' sleeping habits and even more time wasted for everyone to go and torture some chickens for kapores. To top it off the rebbes then jet off to see in the New Year or spend Yom Kippur with their Rebbe leaving their little charges with a substitute of little aptitude other than a rimmed hat, bearded chin, white shirt and long coat.

This attitude to time and discipline is no less apparent throughout the year when there is often a race between boys and their teachers at who can be later in the classroom. It was a standard excuse during oral examinations, 'I wasn't well that day', or, 'I had to go to the dentist'. This would be met with the sarcasm typical of Hebrew teachers, 'did you also not eat your lunch that day?' or some other attempt at wit which earned him a muffled snigger from the classroom. Once inside the class many of the the rebbes will mess with their –banned- smart phones or leave the class to take calls. I once walked in on my boy’s rebbe counting a wad of £10 notes while the children in front of him were reciting the morning prayers.

Interestingly enough, this does not happen in girls' schools where discipline like handing in homework on time, or being assigned homework at all, requiring a note when off or late and being dead on time come what may is ingrained. Little wonder then that while men treat time keeping as something for wimps and rules for shmeckles, it is the women who are so much better at anything from writing a letter, paying bills on time or holding down a job and earning an income. For if, as Woody Allen contended, 80% of success is showing up, us men find even that a chore unless it’s a couple of hours late.

One might think that this lax attitude to general timekeeping is offset by meticulousness where time forms part of religious observance. After all our lives are governed by arcane rules which we go to extremes to observe in the minutest detail and from which we are never offered a break. In fact that could not be further from the truth. It often appears as if they read the mishnah There is not a man who has not his hour as a commandment to ignore the hour for the remainder of the time.

The three-times-a-day prayers all depend on time yet walk into a chasidic shtibel and morning prayers are recited till as close to noon as one can get without bumping into it, and mincha which can be said all afternoon only gets going at dusk and stretches till well after what is generally called nightfall. Come though to the evening prayers of mariv and the clock spins in the other direction. You and I may swear it's night with a sky full of stars but along come the chasidim who will tell you that they're the wrong type of stars. Even Network Rail would struggle with that one.

Sabbath is no exception either. From sunset on Friday to nightfall on Saturday all work is prohibited on pain of death and yet chasidim regularly carry out forbidden tasks till well after sunset because to them the sun of halacha sets at a different time. Perhaps they're still making adjustments for when it was stopped in its tracks by Joshua but the end result is that we have our own solar system in which the sun, moon and stars rotate according to when we mandate them to and not according to the observations of promiscuous eyes and calculations of brains confined in uncovered heads.

With chasidim rules are truly honoured in the breach since a breach is afforded far more respect than compliance. It is as if breaking rules is so ingrained that even the one rule of time to which our entire universe is subject must be stretched and bent when not snapped and broken altogether. Chasidim even have a concept known as 'lemalo min hazman' which means above or beyond the realm of time. A Rebbe need only disregard the chronometrical hands and dare recite morning prayers in the afternoon or celebrate the departing of the Sabbath on Sunday morning and he is immediately elevated to a saint and a mystic. For while to the wider world being ahead of one’s times is considered visionary if not a sign of genius, in our reverse-looking eco system it is being behind time that marks one out for greatness.

All of which explains why a mere school bell is not going to do something that even the constellations struggle to contend with.

Headless chickens–armless kids

2011-10-07T11:27:00.001+01:00

Perhaps Heinrich Heine’s maxim about burning books and people should be re-phrased: Those who mistreat chickens, mistreat kids.

Mind you, this is what happened when the chicken crossed the road.

Taliban segregation in Stamford Hill

2011-10-01T23:24:00.001+01:00

**See update**

Last year I wrote about the signs on Craven Walk on Rosh Hashanah segregating the pavement with the eastern side for females and the western side for males.

Needless to say that this year the exercise was repeated but they went one better. Someone, with the best intentions of course, as always, employed eastern European stewards to direct the men to their side and the women to theirs so that never the twain should meet.

Rumour has it that some millionaire with significant more money than sense hired the modesty police to patrol and enforce the segregation. The Health and Safety department of Hackney would undoubtedly have been proud, though. The stewards both wore bright fluorescent yellow jackets.

Protection of the body; safety of the soul; madness of the mind.

**Update

Above is the offending notice. Note how in Hebrew it is a request while in the English it has been ‘decided’ as if the streets belong to them.

There was then a contradictory notice signed by ‘The residents of Craven Walk and Watermint Quay’ setting out which gender is to walk on which side of the road but, Go- Forbid, allowing them to occupy the same street at the same time. A shocking development and a terrible chutzpah and hefkeirus in the face of the Union’s far more stringent position.

Due to the confusion, it is not clear whether the stewards were there to enforce the Union’s edict and drive the wrong gender from the wrong street, or whether they were anti-Unionists to direct the men and women to the areas generously allocated to them by the kind and considerate ‘residents’.

Either way Tashlich was a truly uplifting experience and rather than be distracted by women in white shawls or white sleeping caps we were treated to the fairer sex in various stages of undress. This was an overt display of God’s kindness for those who had no sins to dispose of and hence may have been lying to the Good Lord when seeking His forgiveness. A flash of flesh and they could happily join the throngs in polluting the River Lea with their sins.

As for those promiscuous folk I observed besides the pond on Clapton Common standing shtreimel to tiechel and within shockling proximity of each other, they might as well jump in the lake. While they were disposing of their sins with one hand the other was gathering lascivious thoughts engendered by Chasidic womeonfolk in their Yom Tov finery.

What a wasteful and sinful exercise and surely something to keep the ‘Advocates’ of the Jewish Community Liaison Committee, members of the Shomrim and advisors of the Independent Advisory Group busy for the forthcoming year. What we should really have is a Union Waterworks Division to liaise with a Union Segregation Committee to arrange for Eastern European male and female stewards to direct the men and women respectively and then a screen down the length of the road to prevent any cross fertilisation.

Days of Awe in days of yore (or, Reading God the Riot Act)

2011-09-28T17:39:00.001+01:00

Last Friday's JC had a review of the Chief Rabbi's new Machzor for Rosh Hashono by Dr Jeremy Schonfield. The reviewer refers to passages in our prayers which are "evidence of an awareness that all is not well in God's relations with Israel", and is critical of the Artscroll translations which gloss over these themes and instead reflect "a simple piety often unworthy of the intellectual depth of the poetic writers".

I was reminded of the review when on Monday in selichos there appeared the following verses from Jeremiah (14:8-9): Why shouldest Thou be as a stranger in the land, and as a wayfaring man that turneth aside to tarry for a night? Why shouldest Thou be as a man astonished, as a mighty man that cannot save?

It is no wonder that we Jews are such relentless critics because if our God doesn't escape our vitriol mere mortals can't stand a chance. In modern argot, the Prophet's words would translate as, why are You behaving like a wimp? Can't You get off Your butt and do something?

Dr Schonfield is right that this element of our relationship with God has largely gone. While in the selichos liturgy the poets lambast God for His treatment of His people, nowadays it is all sycophancy and fawning to a God to whom we owe everything, Who owes us nothing and the best we can do is stand like beggars at His table and wail for a morsel or a bone.

In fact one can go further and say that the Jewish God is almost dead. Fifty thousand people travel to Uman in the Ukraine to be with the dead Reb Nachman, many thousands travel far and wide to worship a living Rebbe, in Israel they worship the land as if that is the new vengeful and jealous Jewish deity, and meanwhile God is forsaken and no one will give Him the tough love He so often deserves.

Verses like the one above, the constant refrain in the selichos of “Arouse, why do You sleep', or sarcastic lines like 'we have spilt our blood for You yet have still not achieved Your forgiveness' remind us of our complex relationship with our God. That even if it was our destiny to be His sitting ducks at least we were given the privilege of speaking our mind to Him to ensure He doesn’t get off lightly.

So how refreshing to have come across the oratory of a Rabbi Yehosua Szpetman who talked to God in the manner of the Prophets. Born in Lublin, Poland, he was a rabbi at the Nelson Street Synagogue in the East End of London during the 1930s and '40s and a collection of his speeches in Yiddish were printed in 1938. This is not a rabbi who minced his words when addressing his Creator even when doing so publicly in front of his flock. Times in 1938 were of course significantly different to our days but this was not a rabbi to turn on Jews when trouble befell them and tell them to mend their ways in the petty, childish speeches one gets to hear these days. Instead it was God who needed to mend His ways. Rabbi Szpetman did not turn Jew on Jew and try to unite Jews with their God by sowing division amongst His people. Nor did he turn on our enemies by spouting vacuous curses which serve only to stoke flames of hate and strife.

Instead his addresses are directed to God Himself. Challenging Him, Lambasting Him, calling Him to action. Like the Prophets of yore, he addresses an omnipotent God but only to point out his apparent impotence. Stop behaving like a god, he appears to be saying, and be a man for a change.

A Ksivo Vachasimo Toivo to all my readers and I leave you with Rabbi Szpetman in this extract I have translated from a fiery sermon for Rosh Hashono:

Tekioh!

Let us ascend to the Throne of Honour, to the King who is King of kings, the King Who sits on a high and lofty throne! Let Him hear our call of the Shofar, let Him come out from his hideout , from His holy Curtain and let Him attend and receive our blasts, wails and trills of the Shofar, that are like a bitter cry.

Arouse like prophets and call, Arouse! Why dost Thou sleep, why art Thy like a stranger in the land…, like a wayfarer retiring to spend the night…, like a mighty who cannot rescue? Arise! Why do You sleep, You Guardian of Israel? Why are You like an alien, like a stranger in the world? Like a visitor, like a warrior in chains?

On this day of Rosh Hashono, from Your coronation, the Day of the Birth of the World, shed Your royal crown, the diadem and don sackcloths and ashes, so to speak, and come with us into exile. Let us together mourn, cry and wail for the enormous tragedy that has befallen the Jewish people. The whole world has been turned into an altar and its only sacrifice is the Jew. Let us together say remembrances on the mass graves, old and new.

Let our tears from distress fall on the Great Sea and seethe, boil and storm the ocean. Let the cry of the Shofar within our essence, the pain and indignity of the souls and bodies of the Jewish people make the desert tremble. Let strong oaks fall and let there leap flames of fire. The voice of the Lord is on the water, the voice of the Lord makes the desert quake, the voice of the Lord mines flames of fire, the voice of the Lord fells cedars.

Shevorim!

Teruoh!

Ignoring the Founder

2011-09-27T13:54:00.001+01:00

**See update below**

Yesterday was the 61st yortseit of the founder, or main founder, of Yesodey Hatorah Schools, Rabbi Avrohom Shmuel Pardes. You wouldn't however be aware of it if you are fortunate enough to have your children admitted to one of its schools because the powers that be do not deem it worthy to mention to the children. True it is noted in the YHS calendar but with no explanation of his connection to the school.

It isn't as if the school doesn't trouble itself with its history, real or re-written. When the anniversary of the death of Rabbi Shmelke Pinter comes along the schools go into overdrive. Siyums and assemblies where the children are told ad nauseum about his greatness and that many years after his death they still owe him a debt of gratitude, write-ups in the papers the week before, photos in the papers the week after. There is even a fawning song for the girls to sing at the anniversary commemorations including the words 'Reb Shmelke our founder'. A straight and simple lie it may be but that's a small price to pay to perpetuate the myth now that his 3rd generation are filtering through to management and teaching positions while some interim caretakers are elbowed out in the process.

Let us though return to Rabbi Pardes. Although London remains indebted to him for the schools he established, and indeed the Pardes House Schools in Finchley proudly carry his name, the poor man died childless and therein lies the point. For insofar as YHS is concerned, he who took over sired several sons who in turn took over from him and they don't want to know. Across the road from the YHS Boys’ school some discreet lobbying landed us with the awkwardly named Rav Pinter Close, letterheads of the school trumpet its 'Past Principal' besides the eponymous current principal and current headteacher and nothing is done to correct the oft repeated canard of Pinter père being the founder.

Some principles indeed. Is it usual for schools to list past principals on their letterhead? I don't think so. Listed on its letterhead is also a past president. Ever heard of a school president? Me neither. And if they had a president in the past, when and why did they cease appointing one? Surely the Chair of Board of Governors who has gone AWOL since the day he was appointed would be happy to take the title. He hogged the Hackney mayoral chair like an Adath rosh hakohol so a presidency shouldn't cause him indigestion.

The thinking on the stationery must go something like this. To justify the proliferation of Pinters on the letterhead and give themselves an air of invincibility include the founder of the dynasty as 'Past Principal', and to justify mentioning historic positions while making a pretence of objectivity include a respected ghost from the past who neither dispels the myth nor challenges the incumbents.

But as for the founder himself who could do with some children keeping his memory alight, his candle is not worth the cake and lechaim even amongst the children and schools that remain his legacy irrespective of those who would rather not acknowledge this very awkward fact.

**Update: Someone wrote to say that Rabbi Pardes was mentioned yesterday at least in the girls’ school. It would have been a day late but still better than nothing, I suppose.

In the meantime I came across this letterhead of the boys’ school. Note the two principals but no headteacher. It could be that da’as torah mandates that headteachers need be listed only for a girls’ school. Or it might just be be that a headteacher does not merit a mention unless he or she shares a surname with the ‘past principal’. Who knows, though it does suggest the following variation on the light bulb joke.

Q: How many Pinters does it take to run a school?

A: As many as will fit onto the letterhead.

Justice, Justice shalt thou pursue (and drive it out of town)

2011-09-23T17:56:00.001+01:00

Catching up on what I missed while away I came across Geoffrey Alderman's article in the JC on the introduction of elements of religious law into UK law. While the debate is largely driven by Sharia law, rabbis of the realm must be rubbing their hands in glee at the prospect of laying their hands on officially sanctioned powers. And we underlings should quake at the thought of them being engaged not only on God's service but also On Her Majesty's Service. Rarely will Her Majesty have had in her employ servants so diligent in carrying out their official duties and never will rabbis have been so meticulous in applying dino demalcuso, or the law of the realm. They will render unto Ceasar with the zeal of rendering unto God, and render unto God with the power and force Ceasar shall put at their disposal.

Rather than argue the pros and cons of granting power to religious courts allow me to provide a flavour of justice as dispensed round here so as to savour and look forward to the day we are fortunate enough in having the powers of the Beth Din sanctioned by Parliament.

Recently a notorious, alleged, paedophile was, allegedly again, caught 'in the act'. The matter was referred to the rabbonim who on the whole acted in the time hallowed tradition of doing nothing. There is one new broom in town and he decreed that the offender be kicked out of his shul. In addition, mark this, as punishment the alleged offender was ordered to pay for his victim's psychological treatment. As the Old Testament might have put it, a session for a session.

In another case a man charged abroad with paedophilia related offences spent the summer in a family camp where children roamed freely unsupervised. As for the Shomirm, I couldn't put it better than Luzer Twersky quoted in this article on the Brooklyn Shomrim: Borough Park is a very safe neighbourhood for adults. It's just not very safe for kids

Well, sex does scare the hell out of chareidim and kids are ok for sentimentality though they never trump the adults so there is some explanation albeit far from being logical. But there are other laws too. A parent of a child rejected by the school that is more famous for rejection than acceptance made a Freedom of Information request relating to the school's finances. He had barely filed his request when he was summoned to the Beth Din. Sitting there was not one rabbi, nor three rabbis who usually constitute a court but the entire rabbinate made up of the Chief, his henchman, enforcers and even specimen imported from Golders Green.

Summoned was not just the offending father but also the mother because as the 'rabbi' is wont to say, women round here are equal but different. And since the mother’s dress usually forms the reason for rejection she must have been central to the proceedings. A Star Chamber you might want to call it as the accuser himself was nowhere to be seen, though that did not prevent the rabbis from threatening to throw all 20 volumes of the Talmud at them. Mind you given the size of many of the rabbis a rump parliament would probably be more accurate. Needless to say the FOI request was never responded to and the information sought never imparted.

The above cases were still not formal courts and one might contend that in a formal hearing with two opposing parties justice does prevail. So last but not least we come to the notorious case of the wife who divorced in the Beth Din after some 30 years of marriage, during which she brought up several children, looked after the household and suffered more than the occasional hiding. For her troubles she was awarded the grand sum of £500. This works out at approximately a fiver per bruise give or take a slap or two which is about the going rate. The husband on the other hand walked away with the house he had ruled with an iron fist and undoubtedly deserved something for his troubles. When the woman woke up to her situation she was warned off by the Beth Din that challenging the agreement could invalidate her divorce which was a blatant lie. She was however allowed to retain the £500. Equal but different indeed.

All one can really say is that if there was no element of palm tree justice there may well have been some greasing of the palm which rabbinical ingenuity can sometimes find to form a kosher substitute.

Escrow miracles

2011-09-19T14:05:00.001+01:00

The above advert turned up in the North West London Advertiser and my apologies to those readers who have been disabused of the notion that more rational, genteel folk occupy those regions. I am glad to say that so far it has not turned up in the Stamford Hill advertisers which suggests that either we are less gullible or we have less money to throw around. Or perhaps it’s more difficult to find men to do things on behalf of women round here.

It would be a laughing matter but the story, unverified, doing the rounds in town is of a family recently bereaved of a father and husband who died several weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. Apparently this shaman or someone on his behalf contacted the family while the man was ill and dying to suggest that £/$10,000 is paid into an account or with a ‘third party’ to be paid out only if the man was healed. If not he would charge a mere £500 for his troubles. The family having been told that all hope was lost were minded to give it a try. They did however have the mind to consult a sensible rov who told them not to part with a penny.

I am told that the poor widow is terribly upset thinking that if only she had gone along with it there may have been a different outcome.

I flee from thee, My Country

2011-08-23T22:48:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting writing this in a foreign European country, in a rural setting with a view of vineyards, alps, rivers, hills or any other picturesque scene of your imagination which is not urban or industrial but does not give my location away.

When choosing a holiday my number one priority is to find a location outside the UK. Not because there is anything wrong or bad with the British Isles. To the contrary, having travelled as far north as Gateshead, south-west as Lands End and east as Cromer I know this country from the craggy rocks of the Isle of Wight to the verdant rolling countryside, its lonely clouds and crowds of daffodils, its generally clement, if somewhat unpredictable, climate and its harmonious landscape. However, when vacationing I need more than just different scenery and location. In order to get away from it all there must also be different number plates, shop signs and language. But it is not simply that a variation in the jingle of coins and different mastheads on the newsstands transport you away from the stresses of home and work, so let me explain.

I am for most of the time confined geographically to a square mile in an insignificant corner of the capital. To a large extent I might as well be inhabiting a different country with its own self-imposed morals, mores, laws and customs. It has its benefits and advantages. Worries are taken care of by communal bodies, neighbourhood shops cater to our diet and palate, schools ensure that if little else our children will on the whole follow in our footsteps, neighbours and passers-by who, when not directly related, are related to someone who is, and a local population of non-coreligionists that tolerates us in its midst especially when we're not pushing a rear extension alongside the length of their garden.

It is however when I leave our natural habitat of urban ghettos that I am reminded how little I belong to my country and countrymen. Even writing the above words with the possessive, first person pronoun sounds strange. While correct by definition as I was born and bred in England and have lived here most of my life there is still an air of falseness about it. I remain visibly different to the vast majority of my compatriots and never more so when moving about in what should be, and strictly speaking is, my homeland when I feel like a legal alien. But unlike the song I’m an Englishman in England.

Stopping at service stations along the motorway, taking up residence for a fortnight in a village in the Cotswolds or a farmhouse in Devon, attending circuses, fetes, seaside resorts and country fairs I am constantly reminded how little I belong to this land, its people, history and culture and how foreign I am in my own country. Observing families with their children enjoying the weather with an ice cream and hot dog at ease with themselves and I realise that not only do I not belong but that I shall never belong. I might ignore some of the stares or even the occasional frown or worse. I might exchange pleasantries with a family, compare notes about our children but it is temporary and fleeting that serves only to magnify our differences. Rather than await a suggestion to join them for lunch I reflexively keep a safe enough distance so that such an invitation does not materialise.

Little things like greeting a villager in the morning take on a huge significance. Am I just being polite and behaving as one does in the country? Am I being over familiar which may be Jewish but not very English? Might I say sorry unnecessarily and overdo my Ps & Qs and so emphasise my alienation? Is this what they mean in trying to make a kidush Hashem? And I haven't even dealt with the feelings when the greeting is not returned or when the seat opposite is vacated shortly after my arrival.

Some might accuse me of being embarrassed of my religion or at least my version of it. Awkward might be more precise. Not so much with who I am but with what I am not. I have no issue with my practises and culture. I don't try (very ineffectively) to conceal my yarmulke with a flat cap and I enjoy visiting Jewish places of interest on my travels. My issue is with the isolation forced upon us for no apparent reason. But rather than try and reason with my accusers I would point out that I am not alone in my sentiments. Others may have found a solution by holidaying with their own and creating a mini-Stamford Hill-on-sea on the south coast, a micro Broughton Park in Llandudno or for the more affluent kosher hotels with pools and 5 star cuisine anywhere from the Alps to the Apennines and Nice to Naples. Ostensibly it may be for the daily prayer quorum and readily available kosher food but it also avoids the discomfort of leaving certainties and absolutes behind.

Rather than travel in my year-round shell I seek a holiday from that too and how better to invite questions and doubt than for a short while leaving oneself to one's own devices. Sitting here on the veranda outside a living room where the main focal point is the TV adorned by a colourful array of remote controls and watching my host and hostess and their teenage children lead what appears a blameless if simple life I query how exactly are we special. Were we chosen to dwell in urban ghettoes and deny our children a decent education which would ease their way in life and enable them to earn an honest living? We pride ourselves on our oral teachings, yet the diction and articulation of the children I encounter are vastly superior to local kids of the same age group. How is the teenager in her rather tight top, shorts and painted toenails morally inferior to my daughter in hosiered legs and knee-length skirt when doing anything from horse riding to roller blading? Is my hostess with her visible cleavage in the French style deficient to my wife's permanently snooded or bewigged head? Is there purpose in rearranging a functioning kitchen and transporting boxes of food to a land of abundance? Is Saturday intrinsically special when there is neither a shul nor a Jew in sight for miles?

The answers to me at least are obvious. My way of life is not a value judgement but that this is my culture and that is theirs. Neither is better nor worse and each has its positive and negative points. Our respective lifestyles are however different and it is this diversity that is valuable and should be celebrated.

So boarding the ferry - actually, taking the Eurotunnel is preferable as the ferry calls for mingling and being quite literally together in the same boat, seeing middle, white England as a family going up and down the stairs to and from the car, relaxing in the lounges, queuing at the bar or shop, watching me suspiciously as I open my car door as if sporting a beard and skullcap predisposes me to cause a nick in their car. So coming off Le Shuttle I spend 2 weeks amongst descendants of Gauls, Helvetians or Etruscans when I may be viewed as Jewish but where I am equally considered English. When I bump into my fellow island dwellers they need not know that they share a homeland with me. When they see my GB sticker and left hand drive let them avert their gaze. If I do strike up a conversation and give Hackney as the response to an enquiry of my origins, it won't matter that my reply feels somewhat misleading as if that isn't proper England or it isn't really from where I am. I am comforted that we are united by a strangeness in a foreign land and that they can no more call Innsbruck or Salzburg home than I can.

There is even the off chance that I will gain the acceptance it seems I crave only many miles away from home. Some years ago driving to Prague I was passing Pilsen, home of the famous beer, when a lorry with English plates came towards me from the opposite direction. As our vehicles passed the truck driver flashed me as a mark of fraternity towards a fellow countryman far from home. Needless to say I flashed and waved back. It was only much later that the irony dawned upon me that I had to travel some 700 miles from the shores of my homeland to feel that I belong to my country.

Riots Schmiots

2011-08-19T18:19:00.000+01:00

As riots go it must be said that we didn’t have too a bad one. As the Shabbos boredom reached its zenith some action was delivered quite literally to our doorsteps and no one can accuse us of not rising to the challenge.

While rioters around us were breaking windows our locals broke bread with them and lent a hand to shift some of those heavy boxes. We should now look forward to a Yiddish letter to the News Update signed 'A Concerned Looter' advising that when doing returns, if you don’t have a receipt you can always ask for a credit voucher. However, rumours that some of them helped themselves to 50" plasmas are patently false since they would not by any means fit into a bedroom cupboard. There would also be no use for sneakers or Crocs which the gedoilim have ruled to be non-kosher footwear for Tisha B'Av.

Of course we were taken aback by the overt anti semitism of the rioters who chose to ignore us altogether. This is surely an issue that must be looked at by the anti boycott and delegitimisers. It may have been perfectly understandable while the rioting was taking place in Tottenham when we did our bit by forming a human chain which included that shameful scene of a chasidic husband holding his wife's hand in public and on TV.

But when rioting broke out in balbatishe areas such as Ealing and Croydon some hard questions were asked. Why not us, we demanded from our Dear Leaders who considered putting off their Margate and Bournemouth holidays to deal with the crisis. Surely Shomrim can arrange something better than a few straggling rioters lost between Brixton and Enfield. It took a letter from the Grand Leader himself and Shomrim members were finally spotted heroically waving 2-ways at passing traffic and contacting the uncontactable police every time a cleaning lady passed with a carrier bag. 'Never leave them unattended for a minute', they yelled into their halachically adapted mobiles, 'or they may walk off with your fleishige kitchen sink.’ Jewish women of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your goites.

A special meeting of our own Cobra, which goes by the name of the Jewish Community Liaison Committee, was hastily convened at which a resolution was unanimously passed calling on all bakeries to hand out pastries, rogelech and cheesecake as well as challah. Meanwhile beards were trapped in riot gear and tzitzis tangled in stab-proof vests to deal with the Independent Advisory Group muscling in on the action. We have one official spokesman, one person licensed to speak to the old bill, one liaison committee, one vigilante group and the rest can go and watch the action. Though in an unusually strongly worded letter, local Rabbonim urged spectators to cover their faces so as not to cause a chilul hashem.

Calm was finally restored with a visit to the affected area by representatives of the IAG, JCLC, UOHC and SHSRP. The public was assured by the announcement that the number of committees would be increased from 160 to 1600 and that the situation was being closely monitored so that further acronyms may be released should the need arise. Confidence was further restored by the leaking of a transcript of the telephone conference between the chairman of the JCLC, the Secretary General of United Nations and the head of Mossad. Unconfirmed reports indicate that the public made a peaceful exodus during the following weekend while showing an admirable coolness under fire and brimstone.

Console console My people

2011-08-12T12:18:00.001+01:00

Shabbos Nachamu must be the most beautiful shabbos in the Jewish calendar. We’ve mourned and felt sorry for ourselves, which we do rather well, for the last three weeks, spent some time on the floor and lamented our losses and suffering and now comes the time to get off the ground,dust ourselves down and dream of greater things to come.

With soaring poetry we put our troubles behind us and fortify ourselves with visions of a harmonious nature and invigorated spirit.

And for that, few beat Isaiah once he gets going.

Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain (Isaiah 40:3)

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:39)

What a tonic in these days of strife!

Help Tottenham clear up

2011-08-11T16:24:00.001+01:00

Here are some places where people can help with the riot clear up in Tottenham:

A new Tottenham Fund has been set up to help Haringey people affected by disturbances at the weekend - and accept the many generous offers of donations from local residents and businesses.

"They're meshuggenahs, It's mindless." Aaron Biber

The Jewish Chronicle has Aaron Biber’s story with a link to a fund called Keep Aaron Cutting which remarkably has raised since yesterday almost £14,500 and increasing by the minute.

Shameful scenes

2011-08-08T14:56:00.001+01:00

It’s no good ignoring the scenes of Saturday Night when it appeared that Stamford Hill, its wife and kids decamped to Tottenham to enjoy the spectacle. I wonder what would have been our reaction had the reverse taken place and we were inside the cordon and a significant number of a neighbouring community in their Sabbath finery came to watch our heart being ripped out by mindless thugs.

What was on camera was quite bad enough. What was off camera, however, was simply disgusting. One bystander told me the police were scanning number plates at Tottenham Hale so expect the do-gooders for the imprisoned lads in Japan to have some work cut out for them closer to home.

To his credit Rav Padwa published a letter warning ‘minors and adults’ to stay away from the riots but you wonder how stupid people must be to need to be told that a spectacle like the one we saw is revolting. I shall give credit to the Shomrim when I hear how active they are in recovering the looted goods.

Where are the leaders?

2011-08-08T11:32:00.001+01:00

Where I live I could see the Tottenham fires from my window, helicopters and sirens kept me up all night on Saturday and police vans were on many street corners last night. Local shopping centres in Tottenham Hale and Wood Green have been trashed and looted. People are genuinely frightened whether we’re next and some of the comments on Twitter sound horribly ominous.

I voted for Boris and am still a fan but the longer he stays away the more toast he will be at the next election. His comment on how safe London will be for the Olympics would be hilarious if it wasn't so grossly insulting.

Boris: It may not feel that way wherever you are but we’re worried about our safety and livelihoods today and tomorrow not some jamboree next year.

Who is in charge if rioters roam the streets unhindered for hours on end? No police, no politicians, no leaders. But were citizens to take matters into their own hands in the spirit of Big Society the arm of the law would be upon them at once.

We have been cowed into not daring to fight back but when real trouble comes there is no one left to rely on.

The Battlefield: Before, during and after

2011-08-08T00:21:00.001+01:00

Top: Richard Wood

Middle: Lewis Whyld/PA

Bottom: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images

Hair raising!

2011-08-08T00:09:00.001+01:00

Aaron Biber, 89, assesses the damage to his hairdressing salon after the riots on Tottenham High Road.

Apparently the rioters were seeking justice.

( Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images Europe)

Angel of the North

2011-08-04T07:21:00.000+01:00

After returning on a high from the Gala Dinner, which I reviewed here, I got slightly carried away and wrote the following in honour of my alma mater the one and only Gateshead Yeshiva.

Gateshead!

In your midst is the seat of one of the most prominent citadels of study in the Torah world. Most European yeshivoth that were in existence at your birth have perished and are no more and you alone stand proud and indomitable. Yeshivoth have in recent decades proliferated around the globe yet you remain still unique and distinct thriving in a corner of England that shall forever be associated with Torah and Orthodoxy. You are the cradle of Torah civilisation in this country as we know it today and you should trumpet it with pride and grace. Yours is a Yeshiva that encompasses many shades of Orthodoxy. From the Hasmo boy who wishes to soak up an authentic yeshiva atmosphere before going to university to the chasidic bochur who wants imbibe genuine litvisher lomdus, they all converge on Gateshead. Not for you the practise of contemporary Torah institutions that define themselves by whom they exclude. Like the Angel of the North your arms are outstretched to welcome all who come to the banks of the River Tyne to quench their thirst with the study of Torah. The white shirt is not frightened that he'll be led astray by the speckled tie and the rimless yarmulke is not fearful that the chosid may adulterate its purity of scholarship. For all who are at Gateshead have strived and toiled to get there, cherish its ideals and contribute to its unique character. How many yeshivoth can boast an alumni like yours? As the Rosh Yeshiva said v’chol Bonyaich Limudei Hahsem. Your sons, Gateshead, are teachers and themselves heads of yeshivoth. Dayanim, authors and pastors of far flung communities gathered to honour you when successful business men sat alongside professionals and accountants mingled with lawyers. All who have been through your doors, sheltered under your roof and warmed in your unique atmosphere remain imbued with a love, honour and duty towards Torah. They assembled to wave the flag you planted in each of their hearts which they carry with pride for the remainder of their lives. Long may you survive so that the Sage Gateshead is personified in your leaders and pupils.

Live on Gateshead!

Northern Lights: Review of the Gateshead Dinner

2011-08-04T00:36:00.000+01:00

Last week Tuesday evening I attended a dinner that was without doubt the greatest show of force of Anglo-Chareidi Jewry for the last 25 years. Phew! With an opening like that I could almost become a staff writer on a Chareidi newspaper. That though may have been too plausible, so let's try again. The greatest Chareidi event on our isles since the last Agudah Convention at the Normandie Hotel. That sounds more like it. A touch hyperbolic, I know, but where in the world would we be without the heavenly gift of hyperbole. There would be no tragedies every time a geriatric pops off, no cause for national mourning when some kabbalistic shaman is dispatched by his partner in crime and our very existence wouldn't be jeopardised each time Hackney tries to introduce resident parking zones or, Go- forbid, spit, spit, speed humps.

As the accredited reporter for Kehiloh Kedoishe B'nei Shylock (Shaylock for non-Chasidim) I took my place in the press gallery to report on the thrice in a lifetime dinner in honour of Gateshead Yeshiva at the Prince and Princess Suite in Edmonton. I shan't trouble you with the faux Greco columns, busts and reliefs that transform a mundane unit on a lowly trading estate in a grottier part of town to the splendour and majesty fit for a Jewish wedding. There'll be plenty of opportunities for that once the wedding season is again upon us and I'll be spending my evenings and early mornings admiring the ceiling insets in heavenly hues -with clouds- replete with twinkling stars of changing colours.

So back to the Dinner folks. I'm afraid the cocktail bar served mainly soft drinks and wine was in pitifully short supply. This wasn’t surprising despite Gateshead’s proximity to the party hotspot of Newcastle as the dinner was predominantly for our NW brethren and we know how well they sip their chocolate liqueur from medicine spoons. To compensate however female waitresses traversed the hall which again confirmed that the crowd was mostly the genteel NW folk as no bread rolls were thrown their way. For similar reasons humour too was in short supply though the chairman Reb Gershon Miller did quip that they called the evening a Gala Dinner as calling it a Gateshead Yeshiva Dinner may have reminded ex-students of the Gateshead dinners they've spent a lifetime trying to forget. This was after Reb Gershon welcomed his audience in a pained and anguished musardike tone of voice that couldn't fail to remind the diners of the approaching Elul zman. If not for the humour and the entire hall may have broke out in an impromptu rendition of Lehisracheik min hagaivo...

Guys, it's dinner time and I would like to keep you fed but we do have several speeches to cover. There was little to read about in the brochure with few historical photographs and strangely they only placed one on every other seat. So make do with your spring rolls and Chinese noodles and personal bottles of Coke and sit back and enjoy the before, during and after dinner speakers. We have a star speaker too but we've kept him for the end lest he upset your appetite with his blow by blow account of a child murder in NY. I'm not complaining though; he is a Chareidi leader of the modern variety and he does have a job to perform.

I am not being fair because truth said I came away from the evening highly impressed. It's not every day I review dinners because it's not every day I attend them. This was however no plain dinner as Gateshead is no plain yeshiva. As Rabbi Padwa said in his speech Gateshead is not only the predominant yeshiva in England and indeed in Europe but it is also one of the leading yeshivoth in the world. How true it is and the dinner was a great show of force not only for Gateshead but for Orthodox Judaism in this country.

I was there to pay homage to my alma mater and former Rosh Yeshiva though they may have preferred me not to mention this. I was rewarded for my effort when Reb Gershon introduced the star of the evening: none other than the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Avrohom Gurwitz himself. I am not exaggerating when I say that a current passed through the hall as Rabbi Miller concluded his introduction with 'T'nu Kovod Latorah' and requested the Rosh Yeshiva to grace the assembled with divrei brocho. The entire hall rose like one and spontaneously broke into song. Quiet quickly resumed and a revered silence fell upon the hall as Reb Avrohom commenced his speech.

I have not seen Reb Avrohom for many years and I was struck by the man standing at the lectern and addressing the crowd. Here was an angelic face with sparkling eyes, his peyoth neatly behind his ears and a kempt beard flowing from his luscious lips clothed with a soft smile. His dark, plain tie behind his talith koton the flaps of which protruded onto the lapels of his dark jacket, there stood before us without doubt a man of stature whose presence was felt by all in attendance. In a gentle voice and measured tones with no histrionics and no exaggerated hand gestures there spoke a man whose dedication of a lifetime to teaching Torah was felt in each clearly enunciated syllable.

Referring to the weekly sidra he said that the travels of the Bnei Yisroel in the wilderness are a metaphor for the travails of a person's sojourn through life. Nowadays too, just like then,Torah is one's guiding light through life and an anchor to what is good and eternal. Simple enough sentiments expressed neither condescendingly nor loftily but perfectly matched to the audience and to the event. Torah, he said, was an acquisition by intellectual effort and not by monetary exchange. Our aim is to bring about a generation where 'all your children will be taught by God'. It was a short speech but one where every word counted and nothing that followed could mar the impression and inspiration of listening again to Reb Avrohom.

The next speech, following the main course which was interspersed with reminiscences of long lost friends and roommates of life in Yeshiva 'in our times', was by Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman from Upstate New York. The mishna in Ovoith quotes Akavyo Ben Mahalalel, "know whence thou art come and whither though art going"' If listening to Reb Avrohom reminded us whence we are come then hearing Wachsman informed us where we are heading. I am afraid to tell you that it is not a pretty place and rather imbecillious too.

Wachsman is one of the chareidi world's star speakers wheeled out when a heavyweight is required and what a contrast it was from the speaker that preceded him. Where Reb Avrohom brought harmony highlighting the shining light of Torah, Wachsman sowed discord by howling about the 'nothing' of alternative lifestyles. Where Reb Avrohom brought grace and elegance by respecting the intelligence of his audience and the dignity of the event, Wachsman debased it by insulting his listeners with fairy tales of gedoilim and yelling at them as if they were kids in a chasidic cheder. The contrast between the neat, dignified Rosh Yeshiva with a smile on his face reading from his dog-eared chumesh to the loud, brash, unkempt and frowning Wachsman waving his latest edition softback could not have been greater. One spoke of life while the other chose as his subject a gruesome death. In the Rosh Yeshiva's world the Torah is for all to acquire and lead their life by it. In Wachsman's world the generations are declining and it is 'pretty clear from the sforim hakdoishim' that we shall never again see the likes of the giants of old. Mind you he thinks we are good for our money and the right thing to do is hand it over to his ilk. There were in the crowd several generations but it was only in the gulf between the two speakers that we saw the decline of the later generation.

A rather depressing note to finish on but I’m glad to report that they eschewed the cheesy puffer train dancing which has become the standard finale of Chariedi events from kid's siyums to gatherings of the high and lofty. I left with an elevated spirit and I even composed a kind of ode in prose in place of the dessert which was served at this stage of the proceedings. I shall serve it up shortly.

School lessons

2011-08-01T01:10:00.001+01:00

Some weeks ago in his column Ben Yitzchok referred to a number of schools and praised them for not relying on 'Government finance and educational control'. As to some new state-aided Jewish school in Golders Green he had this to say: '...So why go with a begging bowl to the Government for new schools where the admission policies involve uncertainties, to put it mildly.' He then cited the examples of Dr Schonfeld and Rabbi S Pinter and the schools they started and led respectively -Pinter didn't start any schools- for which they did not rely on outside help. He ends, 'Emulating their example is bound to pay dividends.'

This is a perfectly legitimate stance and not so long ago Menorah in North West London was offered voluntary aided status and turned it down, reportedly because they did not want government interference in the running of their school. Indeed Ben Yitzchok expressed similar reservations some 7 years ago when YHS became voluntary aided.
There is however just one slight problem. Ben Yitzchok is the pseudonym of non other than Joe Lobenstein who happens to be (or was until recently - it's impossible to know what's going on in that place) the Chairman of the Board of Governors of Yesodey Hatorah Senior Girls School. YH Seniors is of course a voluntary aided school. Irrespective of the fact that as far as parents are aware Joe does not carry out any of the functions of a Chairman and makes no effort to communicate with them, he still carries that title.

So why did Joe accept the most senior formal position of responsibility in a school relying on 'Government finance and educational control' while exhorting others to avoid this very same path? Why does he not follow at the school that he is notionally in charge of the lessons he gives to others? If Rabbi S. Pinter’s refusal of outside help is so praiseworthy why is it not followed at the school where his son and heir has titled himself ‘principal’?

Or does the word hypocrisy simply not appear in Joe’s lexicon?

Divisions Divisions

2011-07-29T08:13:00.002+01:00

Sorry no time to comment at length but the letter speaks for itself. My favourite is engaging the concept of ze nehene v’ze loi chosar -one enjoys and another is not put at loss- for this purpose. Which side of the mechitze will be enjoying themselves? Surely the inability of husbands to ‘signal and gesture to their wives’ Go- forbid, must be a loss of some kind. One can just imagine the scene. He gets warmed up at Anim Zemiroth singing about locks, black and wavy and winks skywards, she nods in dissent and he continues shockling into his siddur, ‘Shith hamon shirai no olecho…’

You must however commend the writer for his honesty. Rather than try on rely on pseudo-halachic arguments as with the eiruv, to which this rabbi is opposed, he gives it to you as it is. Those half goyim in Beis Yisroel and Or Chodosh with ‘United Synagogue Rabbis’, well you know what that implies, have ‘superior’ divides and how can we be seen to be inferior. So to the barricades, members, or in this case mechitzos.

Divided we stand and United we fall and long may we continue on this upward spiral. Omein!

Hat tip: Moish

Tragic omissions

2011-07-25T16:26:00.000+01:00

There are times when our beloved Buffoon outdoes even himself and last week was just such an occasion. After the fiasco of Kedassia beef’s fellow travellers he tries to set the record straight that this was not the norm and that it will not happen again. Strangely, none of this was included in Kedassia’s statement on the matter which implied that the practice was very much the norm. He then accuses ‘another Shechita board’ of behaving in the same way without providing a source. Facts however are never allowed to get in the way of the Chareidi papers where C.P. Scott’s famous maxim is reversed: comment is sacred but facts are free.

Not content with this he then proceeds with his trademark wit to even the score. Under the heading 'Four unreported tragedies' he lists four elderly rabbis who recently passed away and complains that none of the deaths was reported by the JC with the implication that the JC cares only for the pigs and not for the rabbis. Score: 5-1 to the pigs.

Why he expects the JC to mention their deaths is beyond me. The four were Rav Stein of the US, Rav Koppelman of Luzern, and Rav Lefkowitz and Rav Sarna from Israel. For a start, however esteemed they may have been, the deaths by natural causes of centenarians and nonagenarians can hardly be termed a 'tragedy' outside the hyperbolic and sensational Chareidi ragsheets. Besides, Rav Sarna and Rav Stein were hardly heard of outside Israel and the US respectively. Notably there were no public eulogies in London for either of them despite the apparent 'tragedy'.

Rav Lefkowitz was more of a brand though it is difficult to list his achievements that supposedly made him great. Leading a yeshiva is hardly a feat nowadays his tall, square kappel notwithstanding and other than turn up at demos and sign bans little if anything was ever heard of him and especially not on these shores. Of the four the only one who can be said to have made it as far as London is concerned is Rav Koppelman. It was however only in his 90s that he adopted the behaviour of a rebbe and joined the hassidic jet set. Earlier this year he celebrated a shabbos at the Heathrow Park Hotel with a select crowd which nowadays is the true marker of a tzadik.

One of the reasons he thinks the deaths merit mention is because of the size of the funerals. Never mind that Rav Koppelman’s funeral was surprisingly small since the Israelis have little time for European roshei yeshivos of a bygone, more moderate age and a more tolerant foreign world. In any event the gathering of thousands of chareidim in Israel these days is an almost every day occurrence as there is little else to occupy their swelling numbers.The buffoon is nevertheless perfectly qualified to comment on the stories the JC ought to run being the star columnist of the Voice, formerly the Organ, of Anglo Jewry which last year gave us that unforgettable corker of a front-page headline, 'Moshiach is closer'.

As if this isn't enough, his next piece is about the tragic murder of the 8 year old boy in Brooklyn by a fellow Jew who drugged the boy, smothered him, dismembered the body and then dumped one part in a bin while sticking the feet in the freezer. Shocking you might think and deserving some mention of how it came to be and perhaps an article on safety for children. Yet from the Tribune we got nothing but a short report on a tragic death tucked away on page 19. True they first covered the incident last week but also without a word on the alleged killer and not half a word on the protection of children. Ditto for the Hamodia which said just as little though using up more words in the process.

Yet to the Buffoon this is secondary to exculpating Kedassia and having a pop at the JC. He did however find space for warm words for the Shomrim organisation which made lots of noise but didn't bother informing the police until several hours after the child's disappearance. Heaven help us if this is what the London branch is trying to emulate. He found yet more space for praise of the Tribune, that paragon of open and free reporting and frank and honest debate, claiming them to be the 'only chareidi paper that reported it'. Besides being so blatantly untrue it is truly shocking that anyone can be so callous and try and score some stupid points from such a heinous crime.

In fact the story was covered by all chareidi papers the world over. Indeed the Yiddish press I came across reported far more details on the murderer and the circumstances which led to the butchering of a kid walking home from cheder. Last week's Heimishe Newsheet carried an anonymous advert in Yiddish in light of the incident against corporal punishment in chadorim . Similarly, this week's News Update carried a letter signed by Peninah Bergman urging parents to listen to children seriously and give their views proper consideration. Nothing like this appeared in the Tribune, and the Hamodia managed only a very brief anonymous letter. The Book of Proverbs tells us, 'Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise' but it appears the Buffoon knows not even his Scriptures.

To cap a successful week for the Buffoon, this week Baroness Warsi paid us, and the Shomrim, a visit and here is the photo the local press didn’t show you. Our beloved Joe in the company of the Baroness though at a far safer distance than his shoulder rubbing at the Board of Deputies' birthday bash last summer. Do remember though this photo was taken in Stamford Hill where different rules apply.

Photo: Hackney Citizen

We only say goodbye

2011-07-24T17:13:00.002+01:00

Am I the only one who’s noticed the marked similarity in the opening beat and cords of Back to Black and bein kach u’bein kach by Avraham Fried? Listen to the first 10 seconds. I suppose it’s unlikely Amy took it from Avraham…

Well, tsi azoi tsi azoi she had an amazing voice and it’s sad that such talent was destroyed so young.

She had a local connection too: the Back to Black video was shot in the Abney Park cemetery and in Stoke Newington streets.

Kedassia and the porkies

2011-07-05T22:54:00.001+01:00

What are we to make of these new bedfellows, Kedassia meat, world famous for its excellence in kashrus and with a price to match, and some lowly piggies slaughtered presumably for the non-kedassia market? After Peppa Pig is this Rebbe Pig?

Before you bother huffing and puffing with your brilliant erudition that halachically there is nothing wrong in kedassia beef catching a free ride with some piggies and that they have been travel companions ever since the chazeirim have been ripping us off with their prices, let me remind you that there are other matters at stake when the ‘Seal of Quality’ gets into bed with the bacon.

For a start can we be sure that the pigs don’t carry in the eiruv? What if a piggy noshed a strawberry which then splashed onto the beef? What then,eh? Are you prepared to take the achrayis of strawberry juice without a hechsher contaminating your chulent? Let me pre-empt what the buffoon with a bout of mad-cow disease is bound to raise: can we be sure that the porkies weren’t destined for some reform bash and so turning up with Kedassia cows could suggest that members of the Union may share a platform with them? Isn’t sharing a platform the exclusive domain of, well you know who? And what about the milky issues? Say the cows were milked by the treif milk guys would it not make the pork lemahadrin by comparison? This is shocking! How can we have our holy ham transported with that blood-curdling milk? We want our Parma Parve!

Ladies and gentleman this calls for no less than a notice in lousy Hebrew and even worse English along the lines of:

It has come to our attention that pigs have been seen mingling with the most kosher beef this side of the equator and we wish to alert the public that they should not be fooled by the company some of the pigs keep. In some instances pigs were also seen texting the oxen on non-kosher mobiles. The public should remain alert at all times that a pig is a pig is a pig even if it moves in exalted circles. We must not be deceived by images of pigs suspended from hooks that they have reached celestial heights and a careful inspection will reveal that while their posteriors point heavenwards their snouts remain firmly fixed in the trough. If you have any doubts consult your local rov who is bound not to stray from the parameters we refuse to set lest it be confused with an eiruv. In future however we will be erecting a mechitze the entire length of the lorry similar to what we instituted in the lobby of the Decorium so that other than the pigs who like peeping to the other side non-kosher flesh will be on one side and the slaughtered variety firmly on the other. May we merit speedily in our days the promises of Animal Farm when we will all be kosher though some more than others. Omein!

Photo: Bechadrei Chareidim

Sshh! Kate can’t ‘quiet’ spell…

2011-06-21T17:40:00.001+01:00

…though the Evening Standard did help out.

Knackers v Alderman

2011-06-21T07:12:00.001+01:00

I penned this blog some weeks ago after Geoffrey Alderman had a pop at one of the communal sacred cows, the Community Security Trust, better known by it acronym the CST. Other things overtook my life and this was left to rot. Then last week Alderman dished another column at them making me return to what I had started.

If ever the proverbial ton of bricks has come remotely close in composition, density and weight to the real thing the letter in response by almost every knacker (omit the 'n' at your peril) known to this sceptred isle attacking Alderman and in defence of the Community Security Trust must have been it.

With such an esteemed attack you might be thinking that Alderman had called for the CST to be disbanded, its funds sequestrated and its members arrested. Or perhaps simply voiced doubts about its necessity. Or maybe doubted the accuracy of its figures on Anti-semitism. Not a bit of it. All he said was that despite that it 'probably does valuable work' and other praise they still speak for no one but themselves.

Big deal, you might think. But then you mightn't be Jewish thinking that way. For it is an Article of Faith, the 14th Ani Mamin, that anyone with a large enough bank account, long enough beard and/or wide enough posterior represents us and talks on our behalf. Dare to dissent from that view and expect, well, a ton of bricks.

We on the Hill have little with the CST who are often referred to disparagingly as the Chilul Shabbos Trust, though why what is permitted to the Hatzole is denied to them I know not. They are wheeled out from time to time where an event of ours is considered too large for comfort or when someone wishes to bestow an air of importance and have El Al style security guys milling about with walkie talkies. They also come in extremely useful in protecting the kapores ritual from anticipated anti animal-cruelty campaigners which has little to do with communal security.

But let's not dwell on the CST as there is far more fun in dissecting the signatories many of whose day and out of hours jobs is to tell us just what Alderman took the CST to task for: that they represent us. Of the 26 signatures 8, or almost a third, belong to that other supposedly representative organisation the Jewish miLlionaires Club, occasionally referred to as the Jewish Leadership Council. It is far from clear whom exactly they lead and with more vice presidents than you can shake a lulev at it may be a case of more shochtim than chickens. Thus in a nutshell supposed representative individuals tell us that a supposed representative organisation really does represent us. It must be if they are telling us so. They've even enlisted the non-representative Chief Rabbi to add his name to the bevy.

The signatures in themselves did not suffice and space was given for the CST chairman, not short of a bob or two either, to set out his wares on the op-ed page. He tried to make a serious point but which holds no water: that the organisation is no different to Amnesty or other NGOs in that they stand for a set of ideals and in so doing may lay claim to speak on behalf of others of a similar viewpoint.

The flaw in that argument is that while organisations like Amnesty have a subscription membership, Jewish organisations are on the whole closed shops. Anyone can pay Amnesty's annual membership fee and become a voting member in accordance with its constitution. I cannot however join the CST just like I can't join the miLlionaires Club while short of a few million.

So let those signatories put the lids back on their Mont Blancs and Cartiers, drop the 'leadership' from their exclusive club and get back to their counting houses. It's high time that some of the revolutionary spirit of the Arab world spills over to the Jewish street where oligarchs, autocrats and court Jews still do all the bidding on our behalf.

In addition to Alderman’s return to the fray, the JC gave the Shomrim organisation a full page feature article. I was going to take a pop at them but then I read that apparently they had reformed which is just as well as otherwise they may have ended up where they seek to place others. Reformed or not, I have serious misgivings about any self-appointed organisation that seeks to lord over others and which by its very existence exploits deeply held fears that the world is out to get us. The letter wildly in their praise by an obvious pseudonym also did their reputation no favours.

I have read the Shomrim leaflets much of which is harmless, common-sense advice on security though round here unless it is given in Yiddish on glossy paper with garish graphics and has the support of the ubiquitous Local Rabbonim it will be ignored. So I suppose they do fulfil some role. Some of it however borders on the racist subtly implying that in every cleaner lies a latent ganev and attached to every helping hand are some sticky fingers. That said, having seen them on Purim nabbing some suspiciously over-the-limit drivers I can see why they are preferred to the old bill. And in a crime-ridden borough like ours with the police at stretching point one can see why some may feel they have the wherewithal to step in, despite not being of that view myself.

Pinteresque or Kafkaesque?

2011-06-21T00:05:00.000+01:00

I’m sorry I’ve had to introduce moderating to the comments due to some overenthusiastic supporters of the ‘rabbi’ using the platform for purposes other than to defend the allegations and address the serious points.

‘nough said. I can assure you that this is not censorship by the back door and however unminced your comments are you will still see them appear.

Celebrating the Torah

2011-06-07T15:14:00.001+01:00

Walking the street enjoying the sights of the flowers and the smell of dairy delicacies it occurs to me that while the other festivals are offshoots and commandments of the Torah, only Shavouth is the festival of the Torah itself. It is when we celebrate the Torah given to us on Mount Sinai though the Torah does not make the link and, like most things, comes to us by rabbinic deduction perpetuated by culture and custom. Perhaps like a birthday boy or girl who do not organise their own party, the Torah kept silent on the issue and left it to others to throw the bash. And what a bash it is!

Other Holidays go on for what seems a lifetime and come with truck loads of rules restricting what we can eat, when we can eat, where we can eat and sometimes whether we can eat at all. Pesach supposedly celebrates freedom but enslaves us weeks in advance in preparation and weeks after in paying the bills. Succoth celebrates the shade in the wilderness so we Jews decided to commemorate it by erecting booths during rainy and cool Autumn.

Shavuoth however is different. It's short lasting only 2 days; it's tasty with an abundance of cheesecakes and other dairy savouries; and it's colourful with beautiful flowers and foliage adorning homes and shules. So much so that the Talmud tells us that unlike other Holidays there is no dispute that Shavuoth must be enjoyed materially as well as spiritually.

For this reason Shavuoth has hardly any rules or special prayers and we're home early for lunch. Those prayers that there are like Akdomuth come with a special chant. The Akdomuth itself is one half glorification of God and his celestial creations and one half a recitation of the delights to expect when our time comes. A feast of the Leviathan and the Wild Ox, assuming they’re not endangered species, washed down with wine from the days of Genesis and held in halls of splendour. Unfortunately there is no debauchery to go with it and while others get 70 virgins all we get is a waltz with the righteous who as we know can't dance.

To top the beauty of the Festival is the reading of the book of Ruth, surely the most exquisite and beautiful story of the entire Bible both in content and style.

Since I seem to be giving a sermon there must be a moral at the end and here it is: Shavuoth is celebrated in the manner that the Torah ought to be before the killjoys decided to ruin it: short, simple, colourful and palatable. Leave the 'deeper meanings' to your slumber during the Rabbi's speech for Shavuoth needs no rabbis. The Torah has simple and pleasant meaning and that is just how we celebrate the Festival commemorating its presentation to us.

Good Yom Tov!

What a holy mess!

2011-06-02T23:08:00.000+01:00

If previously we've been in a lather this time we're truly up in arms. We have been nothing short of defamed and slandered and turned from people of the book to people of the crook. And all under the guise of love and marriage.

Ok, let's calm down. For a start why was the programme even called A Hasidic Guide to Love and Marriage? Do they not know that round here Love and Marriage don't quite go together like a horse and carriage? For a start horses have been banned and more to the point because that would be putting the cart before the horse. We Chasidim don't fall in love and maybe tarry, maybe marry and probably call the whole thing off. We marry first, what’s sure is sure, and then maybe fall in love. Or maybe not. Either way we get to the other end of life just like everyone else so does it really matter which route we take? It's like going to Manchester on the A1 and not via the M6.

What?! You go that way? Are you meshige? You know how long it takes? It's much quicker on the M6. It takes about 3 hours that way. What are you talking about, 3 hours? I do it in 2 and a half easily and my brother in law...

Ok, ok, we're not starting on that. Next we'll be debating the quickest way to Heathrow so let's just get back to love. If we don't fall in love, well then she eats salad in the kitchen and he bites his nails while trying not to release hot air with his phylacteries on and yet we still have kids and marry them off on a reference of someone who lives down the road, round the corner on the left, and we then die like everyone else. So big deal if we haven't loved along the way. It's not as if life and death depends on it. Like still going to Heathrow through Shepherd's Bush...

Right, from now on we make no detours and we stick to the holy mess. In truth this programme was never going to be a fair representation for some because come to think of it for those who complain nothing will ever be fair unless it's drooling in tears and schmaltz with 'look how wonderful we are' scrawled all over it. You know a bit like the Tribune and the Hamodia. They never get those type of complaints because they of course capture us to a tee and portray us just as we are. No warts and no blemishes unless a huge amount of money is required to get the blemished free from incarceration in Japan. In which case they are presented as being immersed while in jail in Torah and Worship and queues of pious young men start forming at the Japanese embassy for a visa. That however is a different matter and I did say we're sticking to the point though it doesn't really count as a detour since jail was very much part of the script.

You see if ever proof was required for the maxim that the strength of one's opinion is in inverse proportion to one's knowledge of a subject then the discussion in Stamford Hill of the programme was it. 'We have been slandered', one person who hadn't seen the programme told me. Someone else said, “they'd never do that to the Muslims.” I politely enquired how many hours a week he spends at his non-existent television and he retorted, “me volt shoin gehert,” we would have heard already.

It's not just the content of the programme upon which our army of latent reviewers turned their fire, they also knew the effect it would have on the viewers. “They’re going to think we're all like that”, was a common complaint, which was in turn laughed off with, “they hate us anyway.” In one debate someone piped up, “I actually spoke to a goy who thought it was a marvellous programme” which drew a response of, “How many goyim do you know? I know ten goyim and they all thought it was disgusting.”

“And, meshige, did he really have to show in front of the camera that he's got £2,000 in cash? What will they make of that?” I mean they guy's been done for money laundering for goodness sake. Do they really think you launder copper coins in little bags like a newsagent holding up the queue in the bank? “I hear they each received £25,000” and so the conversation turns to the '000s reportedly received by those who made an appearance which inevitably ends with someone exclaiming, “So, why didn't they ask me?”

Even this is nothing compared to the reaction in our press. Do spare a thought for the poor 'rabbi' who feels terribly hard done by having to view a programme on Stamford Hill without himself weighing in. It’s almost like watching the FA final without a ball in sight. In the JC he thought that the programme “took advantage of vulnerable people and it exploited them. It's disgraceful. Now nobody will go in front of a camera again.” Does that include the 'rabbi'? Hallelujah! And please not in front of a digital voice recorder either and not even a ring-bound notepad.

I'm not really being fair because he does care for the 'vulnerable' thought it's difficult to figure out who he is referring to. Gaby Lock, vulnerable? A maverick, certainly. Nutty as a fruitcake, more than likely. But vulnerable? Let the 'rabbi' put himself up for debate with Gaby and we'll soon see who is the more vulnerable of the two. I don't think one would call Avi Bressler vulnerable either even if he sets the Shabbos table in his rather appealing boxers. Their only vulnerability I can think of is if they were to have the misfortune of applying to have their child admitted to one of 'his' schools. Vulnerable indeed.

Then there was Alex Strom who after an intro that the Tribune is not the place to review a TV programme went on to do just that because people have "heard and read" about the programme. Yeah, and smelt it too. Strom's bombastic conclusion was that "it is totally unacceptable for individuals to make themselves available to all and sundry and take upon themselves the responsibility to speak on our behalf. This is especially true if it involves allowing camera crews to explore a world that they cannot and are not meant to understand."

That is fine except that we all know who they are who purport to speak on our behalf and they do not include anyone on the programme who spoke for no one but themselves. In truth, what troubles Strom and the 'rabbi' is that these people are talking at all. As far as they are concerned our role is to doff our hats at authority and let it do the talking on our behalf. They of course would present a true picture. That shiduchim work a dream. All you do is stand in a queue and everyone gets their turn at wearing a shtreimel and sheitel. Ok, a Dutch girl called Tikwah might end up with Gaby Lock, a Yemenite girl to a boy with a divorced, jailbird of a father and the next son if he's lucky may end up with an Israeli girl wrung out of some match maker. But still it does work.

Notice too how we are a world that "cannot and was not meant to be understood." Which world is that exactly? The world which according to Gaby is run by the most arcane of rules while himself he is incapable of a routine of 3 meals a day? Where the men go off to Uman while the women are left to peep from behind the screen? Where the men sing round the table and the women stay in the kitchen? Where a match is decided on the length of the jacket and rim of the hat? Only the cold hearted bigwigs could fail to be moved by the pain etched on Avi's face as he spoke about his loveless marriage of 16 years and recounted the loss of his father when he was seven and that there is only a single photo of them together. Mind you, Avi's mum knew better than to marry another Gerer misogynist and second time round went for a full bodied masculine type. So at least we know whom Avi takes after.

Prize for understatement of the week must however go to Rabbi Dr Irving Jacobs who in the JC said the programme echoed Nazi newspaper Der Stuermer's antisemitic caricatures. Phew! What next? Is refusal of a place at a local school like the Nuremberg laws? The rip-off cost of meat like medieval Jew taxes? It is interesting though that the non-Jewish newspapers gave the programme generally good reviews but “Yeah, don’t be so naive, that’s only what they say in public…”

Truth said I do have some issues. A fiddler on the roof may have been too great a cliché, but why a cat? As pleasant as the klezmer background music may have been they haven’t been listening to it round here for some 50 years or so but great job they didn’t have on some of the stuff we do listen to. And why was the beginning in those faded colours similar to the films my aunt has of us as kids some 35 odd years ago?

Overall however we should celebrate a programme that ignored the anodyne world of our machers and oppressors and instead showed the fringe world of Ginger, Bradley and Shimmy Goldstein welcoming visitors with as much nosh he could get past the airport scales without paying for overweight. It is a world that many pretend does not exist. A world that is growing in numbers and in confidence. And a world that couldn’t give a toss for the ‘rabbi’, Strom and their ilk and it is this that really worries them.

Let’s be proud that only Stamford Hill has the vibrancy and multitude of characters to fill an hour of viewing. They’d never get this off the ground in Golders Green for they don’t do humour at Reb Chunes where they’re too busy expelling the ex-Stamford Hillers looking for greener pastures in NW. Of course they’re also too straight to harbour any jailbirds but let’s not go down that route because I did say I’ll stick to the point.

Strange happenings at Aguda

2011-05-30T02:50:00.001+01:00

Yes I know I’ve been silent for too long. The newspapers are full of elephants in the room from attempted murders in upstate New York to our own local TV program Wonderland and now this secret meeting at the buffoon’s headquarters. But I’ve got some hungry mouths to feed and writing is not my day job. I’d like to say I wish it was but it would mean procrastinating in front of a blank screen for most of the day which isn’t something I relish.

Anyhow, for the moment, can someone enlighten us about the above notice? It is intriguing to say the least. European Aguda calls a meeting which it is only hosting but not convening or endorsing or something like that. The venue is the Joe’s headquarters in order to prevent unnecessary publicity. Joe of course being chair of the UK Aguda. On the agenda are issues like shechita, cemeteries, shortage of places at educational institutions (is the ‘rabbi’ invited? he should be able to assist) Reform Jewry and the chareidi press, you know the press that hasn’t so far reported about the meeting. And yet we’re not allowed to know about it. Not that anyone cares but that’s another matter.

Look, I wish I had the time to delve deeper into this but I don’t. The meeting however is tomorrow at 1 pm and the venue is on the notice. If a reader with some spare time and a camera wishes to go along please share with us some snaps of European Jewry’s celebs on the red carpet. And if you are privy to any of the discussions I’ll be happy to publish it.

But more than anything, what the heck is going on?

A Kosher Kiss

2011-05-13T18:36:00.002+01:00

THAT kiss as (might have been) reported by Di Tzeitung

Courtesy of Hasidic Photoshop

Where’s Hillary?

2011-05-09T15:37:00.000+01:00

Spot the difference:

(Credit: Circus Tent)

This on the other hand is perfectly kosher

No Sacks please…

2011-05-09T06:59:00.000+01:00

Few could have scoured the papers during the past few weeks like I did. Thank God for the extra time afforded by Yom Tov to turn the pages ever so slowly and scan the lines ever so carefully to try and find that elusive news item of Lord Sacks's visit to the Hill. This was after all a visit to a Stamford Hill school, whose 'principal' is constantly telling us how proud he is to be chareidi and how integrated his school is. Yet when a chance arose to show off his chareidi cohorts the stage was surprisingly bare. Although the Chief turned up with the chief executive of the United Synagogue, Simon Hochhauser, his counterpart in the Union, our own Rosh Hakohol Dovid Frand, was nowhere to be seen. Nor was the 'buffoon' in attendance despite his role as the nominal (nominee?) chair of the board of governors. And now like the death of Bin Laden they won’t even show us the photos in the papers.

It is of course not for me to say why a visit of the Chief Rabbi didn't make it into the papers with a photo of Rabbi and 'rabbi'. Perhaps geriatrics several thousand miles away searching, burning and selling their chometz take precedent. Or perhaps the 'rabbi' is only comfortable in the company of Indian High Commissioners, members of the Board of Deputies, prime ministers, mayors and the old bill. Actually members of this list share a common feature in their lack of facial hair and on the whole, other than the old bill, an absence of head gear. This would also explain the presence of the beardless chief executive of the United Synagogue but not his Union counterpart. The beardless buffoon's absence would still remain a mystery unless he was too busy arranging the pre-Pesach bin collections, the clanging of which we never cease to hear.

It's also not as if others were coy about appearing with the Chief Rabbi in public. In the photo above he is in the Bobov Shul as part of his visit and being warmly greeted by Reb Leibel Stempel. So it appears it is only the 'rabbi' who treats the Chief’s presence like a crime scene and like Macavity is nowhere to be seen. There is however a difference and herein lies the point.

The more extreme elements of the community don't shun Bobov in the way they shun YHS and Bobov does not have an exposed right flank to protect as the 'rabbi' does. Bobov is also a large community with a strong following even after its recent split and is perfectly capable of looking after itself. Unfortunately that is not the case with YHS. Due to the way a single family has monopolised the school it has no natural or grassroots constituency to turn to when things turn sour.

Thus so long that Hebrew classes are free, teachers are on the whole heimishe girls barely out of their teens and the admissions is to all intents and purposes restricted to the YHS Junior school, any concern about the voluntary aided status of the school will be the sole concern of the loonies and the kids will keep on filling the shifting admission numbers. Should there however arise a backlash due to visits by undesirables, or closures due to goyishe weddings, the school may quickly find its intake dry up. The various categories and definitions of 'chareidi' the school has conjured up to keep kids locked out of those tall gates would quickly become academic if it cannot fill the minimum admission places.

And so just like Sacks could make it to the church but not to Hugo Gryn's funeral, so the 'rabbi' may be seen with anyone high ranking so long that there’s not a whiff of frumkeit about them but not with the far-from-heimishe Chief Rabbi Sacks in situ. This is no surprise to us as little surprises us about the 'rabbi' round here. Unlike outsiders who are disarmed by his humour we never get to see his humour and rarely even his impressive physiognomy. Any disarming carried out locally tends to me more surreptitious, more conventional and rarely a laughing matter.

What however is surprising is that Sacks agreed to play the fool.

Bank holiday blues

2011-05-06T07:30:00.001+01:00

Just before Rosh Hashono I made a New Year's resolution to blog about the creeping fundamentalisation of our community. If I haven't touched upon the subject again it was after all a resolution and not because of a shortage of subject matter. I was not referring to the big things that make the headlines but rather the small relatively trivial matters that are easily shaken off as 'not a big deal' and 'I really can't see what the fuss is about'. While each measure individually may indeed be relatively minor collectively they are of greater significance than the big issues which cause headlines and the occasional backlash. Not just due to the total sum of the parts but because of their size the little things are usually not noticed or are easily dressed up.New norms are thus created which in turn pave the way for the next wave of even greater madness that inevitably follows on their heels.

In a community where there is no platform for dissent (bar the male mikvoes) even those minded to complain think the better of looking silly and kicking up a fuss over nothing. 'You really do have problems, don't you'. And they do have a point. With earth shattering problems like speed humps on Jessam Avenue or a bus lane on Amhurst Park, compulsory tights for 3 year olds or a mechitze the length of the lobby at the Decorium really do pale into insignificance. And so before you know it not only has some new craze been accreted to what we must or subtracted from what we may, but history has even been rewritten as part of the bargain. It was always so, they will tell us and who will make an ass of him or herself to argue.

But having just been granted two super long weekends in succession in addition to Pesach, not only has time been in abundance but yet another new yiddishkeit has come to light: school on bank holidays.

In the past the local girls’ schools were given a day off on bank holidays, presumably because it is a national holiday although this may now be disputed. The boys in the Chasidic schools would be made to attend classes as they study Torah and time for them is just too precious to mark May Day, Whitsun or some other meshugass. Mind you since the boys sit few exams to set syllabuses and not at any particular time of the year you'd think that a day off could easily be made up by for instance finishing later on a Friday in the summer. Isn't that why punctuality in the boys' schools, of pupils and teachers alike, is disregarded and a few days off here and there taken on the chin? But that is how it's always been at most of the boys' schools and it's not about to change any time soon.

Of late however the girls schools have also been opening on Bank Holidays and last Friday and Monday children flocked to school as if Will and Kate weren’t about to kiss and May Day was just for the Soviets. Even YHS which initially bucked the trend has now joined the fray. Despite its voluntary aided status, or perhaps because of it, it sees no need to adopt norms of the national schools. Attendance, it appears, follows governance in which they are a law unto themselves. The YHS boys' school, the most liberal of the lot round here, also used to have half day only on Bank Holidays but apparently not any more either. It would however not be fair in this instance to single out any school since I hear the rot has spread even to genteel Golders Green. Tifereth girls school also operated on the last public holidays.

And so the school vans ply their trade transporting human cargo, cutting corners and honking their horns as if the whole world's up for work. For in our environs silence is desirable and noise deprecated only during the après tsholent, post coital Shabbos siesta which should not be disturbed by some Polish chap, with a heimishe landlord no less, washing his car with the music or match of the day blaring. Some people are just so insensitive. Anyway, it’s all not really a big deal, I hear you say and surely there must be bigger fish to fry. That however is precisely my point.

Of course, it's all easily explained away and revisionism round here has a respectful pedigree. You see, once the schools had goyishe teachers and so they couldn't be asked to come in on bank holidays. But now boruch hashem it's all heimishe school girls, educated and trained at heimishe sems, in heimishe blouses, skirts, tights and pony tails, so why have a day off? Vos epes? In the immortal words of the late Rabbi Dunner, 'we're not banks, so why bank holidays?' (Who ever said the yekes lack wit?) And don't we have lots and lots of yomim toivim which they don't have plus we need 2 whole weeks off before Pesach because it's so important that the girls get to help their mothers so why borrow yet more days off from the goyim? Please don't press the issue for the tone to become even higher pitched: you think helping at home is not important? It's just as important as some of the rubbish they do at school.

Having school on a day others don't has its benefits too. In an era when everyone is trying to outholy the other isolating oneself ever more is a way of putting clear blue water between 'us' and 'them'. Conversely, for those mildly left of centre not having school when other do may expose their right flank. Hence YHS's and the Golders Greeners’ predicament. So as always the holy ones win out in the end and on we march blissfully to our paradisal sunset.

One should however not be too harsh on the schools because they do not operate in isolation. It is ultimately the parents who are only too happy to dump their kids on the school and they would be the greatest objectors if the kids were set free for the day. Of course no one will ever call the school to beg them to take the bloody kids off the furniture because our dear kinderlach are our just too precious for that. So yiddishkeit comes in handy as it always does. And along we adults could go and enjoy bank holiday discounts secure in the knowledge that our pure neshomelech are not cholilo being contaminated by the flesh on show at another bank holiday funfair.

Sacks on the Hill

2011-04-13T07:13:00.001+01:00

Lord of the Ringlets

With no prior announcement and none of the PR fanfare the 'rabbi' is so adroit at, Yesodey Hatorah Secondary School for Girls, to give it its full name, last week welcomed Chief Rabbi Lord Sacks to its hallowed corridors. You read it here first as it appears to have been too late for last week's Hamodia where the 'rabbi' acts as an unpaid advisor, which must mean that a front page photo every other week is of no value or payment in kind doesn't count.

The girls themselves were told only the day before thus denying more right wing elements the chance to galvanise and arrange some form of protest. Some parents may even have withheld their dear neshomolech from school for the day. Since the 'rabbi' respected his girls when they refused to take an exam paper on Shakespeare he would undoubtedly have respected them on this point of principle too. But it is a moot point since the Chief's visit passed off without incident and one must now wait for the weekend papers to see Sacks beaming on an N16 platform he so covets and Pinter with an equally broad smile in the company of yet another semi-Jew as far as we in Stamford Hill are concerned.

You may wonder why the 'rabbi' had to turn so far west, and so far left, and to such high altitudes for a speaker for his girls. Isn't bringing a rabbi to Stamford Hill a bit like taking coal to that suburb of Gateshead? Before even our own chief Padwa has addressed the girls along comes a Lord from a different manor to shepherd our sacred sheep.And it's not as if the lesser local rabbis have been exhausted since rabbis rarely step foot into that place lest anyone suspect that history is not as it's been rewritten. That what has been turned into the sole domain of a single extended family was actually established by rabbis and individuals with different family names.

Inviting dignitaries from foreign shores whose sheep would never be welcome in our greener meadows comes with its own reciprocal kickbacks. And if in this instance it provided a photo opportunity with an ermine backdrop then all the better. As to the addressees, those precious neshomelech, they too provide a pretty setting for opportunistic photo shoots. And supine too, for his Lordship was not taken to the boys’ school where a different reception may have awaited him assuming he was received at all.

So it was left to the acting head who actually runs the school (bar admissions and external relations which by convention are the domain of the ‘principal’), and who by remarkable and as yet unexplained coincidence happens to be none other than the 'principal's dear wife, to advise the children the day before of their noble guest and then give way to her husband to officiate on the day. I mean he is the 'principal' after all though mind you his appearance in front of his flock is almost as rare as that of the Chief himself. It may even have been his debut address to 'his' school had not the former prime minister but one popped round some years ago which forced the 'principal' to bring forward his maiden speech to the maidens.

In line with the school's mission of developing the girls' thinking, initiative, creativity and leadership skills, questions to the Chief would be allowed. Questions however are a dangerous tool in the wrong hands for one cannot predict the answers from the Chief. Worse still once cannot foretell questions some of the girls may be harbouring in their delicate brains. Questions such as which we are told are never posed in our postal areas.

For instance, why do we celebrate our freedom by subjecting our womenfolk to slavery in the weeks running up to the festival? Which may have prompted, why do girls break up 2 weeks early to 'help their mothers' while boys study on blissfully for an extra week to keep them from under their mother's feet? Questions also have a horrible habit of veering from their course. A question may have been popped to our own paragon of inclusivism and bridge-building: should not a publicly funded school with a mission to 'understand the world we live in' have a day off for the national holiday of the royal wedding especially when an honour from those quarters is so hankered after?

But trust the 'rabbi' to come up with a solution. Yes, question will be asked but only by the highest class. Yes, questions will be asked but we will decide who will ask them. Yes, question will be asked and we'll even set the questions for the questioners. The mission does after all also include moral understanding and we cannot afford to allow morals to fly out of the window for the sake of satisfying a guest as exalted as he may be. So a question on anti-Semitism will do very nicely thank you but as for more pressing issues, girls, that's not for our sort yidn.

As for Rebbetzin Sacks, well that's a bit of a touchy matter. It is after all a girls' school so perhaps it would be fitting for the Chief's wife to come along. But then there are rebbetzins and rebbetzins. In our environs we like them plump with 15 layers of clothing, skirts till the Maginot line to repel would be invaders, shrapnel proof hosiery and sheitels if not evocative of a mop then hidden away altogether under some contraption of a kerchief. If you are a chief rebbetzin like, say, Padwa you must also instigate campaigns of tznius (and more on that shortly). But rebbetzins of the Sack's variety, well how shall we put it, she may just give the girls some wrong ideas. You know, that rabbis' wives too may look presentable and even attractive, and that, we're afraid, is not quite part of the school's mission. It is just possible that the rebbetzin too didn’t particularly cherish pre-Pesach meetings of the haggard-eyed sisterhood in turbans with one hand on their hips and another cupping their chin, 'and where are you up to with Pesach?'

Truth said, since her photo would not appear in the papers and definitely not in the company of the ever so photogenic 'rabbi' she was hardly missed. The meeting of the two titans, nos. 1 and 8 respectively in the Power List (of which more here) served its purpose very well without her. Each can go back to his respective constituency enhanced by the visit. No. 1 can demonstrate how his clout reaches even in darkest N16. It might even earn him a rare photo in the Hamodia or Tribune as part of the bargain notwithstanding that to all intents and purposes he was brought in through the tradesman's entrance to address as softie an audience as could be mustered.

And no. 8? Well, he can yet again parade his Cheshire cat grin showing off the extent of his reach to parts others can’t even touch with the ever so subtle subtext that from a perch so high nothing can be toppled.

The Chief Rabbi and London Beth Din: Then and now

2011-04-12T07:04:00.000+01:00

To those interested in these matters here is a lengthy article on the right-left tensions between the Chief Rabbinate and the Beth Din which exist till this day. They may well intensify depending on the United Synagogue’s choice of the next Chief Rabbi.

As to this future appointment in some two and a half years Miriam Shaviv suggested, rather mischievously, in last week’s JC that elections be held for the next Chief. One of her arguments is that in any attack from the London Beth Din and further to the right (east?) the new Chief would be able to point to a popular mandate. I am afraid that those attacking from the right care little for popular mandates and if anything will make him more of a laughing stock in those quarters. Back room deals over dead bodies a la Padwa are the order of the day round here. And this is before even opening that delicious can of worms on whether women too would be allowed to vote…

Debates even of a halachic nature do not sway these people as was seen recently in Israel when there was disagreement between Rabbis Elyashuv and Yosef over conversion issues. Rather than trade barbed euphemisms if not direct insults in lengthy responsa employing puns and paraphrases of biblical and talmudic verses as has traditionally been the custom of the rabbis, Elyashuv threatened a demonstration. It appears that the ‘world’s leading halachic authority’, who’s barely put pen to paper in recent years and even further back has no seminal work to his name, is resorting to mob rule. At over a hundred he must be tiring from the tirade of verbal, unreasoned, if not unreasonable, rulings on anything from crocs on Yom Kipur to Shabbos lifts and prefers the power brought about by the masses and the occasional dirty nappy.

And so we come to a situation where it is the Torah-less politicians and the gentiles who conduct arguments by debate and decide by common suffrage and it is the rabbis who employ mob rule. Apparently the chosen weren’t meant to choose for the concept of choice implies that there is more than one legitimate way. Since there can be only one version of the truth giving people any say in any matter is heresy and so forbidden and bless the Lord for the state we’re in.

Happy Purim

2011-03-16T23:55:00.001Z

If anyone has a sense of mischief how about this? Hire a horse drawn funeral hearse with flowers spelling out E I R U V and a large banner wishing our dear rabbi Happy Purim and have it ride up and down the Hill and the Common all of Sunday.

After all even Mordechai of the Purim story defied him to ride a horse.

Disjointed Union

2011-03-16T23:41:00.001Z

Many of you have probably seen this but here it is anyway for those who haven’t.

I won’t have time to do anything humorous for Purim but who needs humour when the head of the poultry division chickens out of a public meeting?

Prepare to meet thy machers

2011-03-06T04:09:00.001Z

If you live in Golders Green where you are wont to honour the ethos of the Union in its breach you will have ‘another opportunity’ to meet your masters. If however you are unfortunate enough to live in Stamford Hill please stay there and do not even dream of gatecrashing as by the size of your beard and length of your jacket shall ye be known and many have of late been expelled. Unless you are one of the panellists in which case it appears you are not welcome unless you are from Stamford Hill as it is only we who know what's right and wrong for you. Your role in Yiddishkeit is to turn up, pay up and shut up while we ‘are you moitse’ in the more pesky areas. Perhaps shutting up should be qualified since questions may be put a couple of light years ahead of the meeting or 'via the chairman' so as to ensure what not to address.

It is not for this blog which generally limits itself to the holy square mile to comment on a meeting to which we weren’t invited even first time round. It is your and not our day of reckoning that is nigh and don’t look to us to bail you out. Besides, we as a rule are less supine and reverential than you genteel folk as we choose to be observant in practice and not by proxy via our hallowed rabbinical members of the Halpern Group of Companies. 'Hechover' Joe might thus find himself answering some Enfield foxes rather than via the chairman.

Nonetheless, it is we who have made our Dear Leaders available to you for an evening to milk you dry, ban the rivals, make you lay the golden egg and finally bury you with gemutlichkeit, and it is only right that we should let you benefit from our experience in handling them. Moreover, since 'the Public' means only the male folk, and since the date for submission of questions passed almost simultaneously with the appearance of the notice - they are sharp, you must give them that - and since email is not the medium of communication for loyal member who obey their rabbis, and since some may find 'via the chairman' rather Putinesque, we will as a public service make our comments section available for you to ventilate your concerns.

Below are some examples to get you going:

Why if we GGers are so important to your organisation is the entire panel from Stamford Hill? Ever heard of No taxation without representation or, to you Joe, is that not a Toiredike value?

Will you be banning Ecksteins meat if they defect to Schneebalg?

Can Joe please clarify who owns Enfield and what its vast turnover (chevre put you in, foxes take you out) is funnelled into?

Do feel free to add questions of your own but please, as Basil Fawlty would no doubt advise, don't mention the eiruv.

(Thanks to sender of notice)

Maid in Heaven

2011-03-03T00:50:00.001Z

Courtesy of Hirshel Tzig

To the Hebraically challenged: the above is a greeting in a charity brochure. Since charity receptions and the occasional dinner are the best we have for going out in the evening, for men that is, the charity brochure is the equivalent of the society pages in Tatler. Not unfortunately who’s going out with whom as it happens so quickly round here that you’ve barely kissed the mezuze to go out and it’s time to come back in for the l’chaim announcing the engagement.

Besides being the only distraction from drawn-out speeches by speakers internationally renown from their lectern-thumping histrionics, the brochure is also an indicator of who’s going places. ‘He? Last year he had a silver page and this year a diamond! Not bad. What’s he into?’ And ‘Where’s he, didn’t he have a platinum last year? Nebech, men hot im baganvet. I hear his wife’s started a playgroup.’

It is customary in such instances for pages to be donated for the elevation of dead souls. Or rather the souls of dead bodies since we’re generally dualists in matters of body and soul. So if while you’re alive they’ll smite your body to benefit your soul, when you’re dead they’ll feed on others for the same purpose. As Bob Dylan might not have said, ‘they’ll stone you when your trying to earn some bread/they’ll stone you when you’re try’na be so dead. Everybody must get fleeced’ Besides, you cannot really write ‘In Loving Memory’ as we don’t do love plus it’ll make you sound like a United Synagogue member. What next, gravestones in English?

For similar reasons while your wife can join you at the bottom of the page as ‘Joe Blogsovitch and his missus’, first names are verboten. Females round here generally get first names for 3 reasons: for use in supplications when their child is ill (or if they’ve committed a misdemeanour, when they’re older), for matrimony and for when they’re dead. Other than that they might as well be numbered since you don’t really need a first name to cook supper or give birth even a dozen times.

The page above is from just such a brochure taken out by one of the great and good of the community whose wife is a scion of an even greater and better family, especially if these things are calculated by bank balances. The souls being elevated are of a man and woman both whose names are given in full. But instead of the greeting, or whatever you call such elevations, ending with ‘X and his companion’, ‘companion’ or ‘pair’ being acceptable Hebrew metaphors for one’s better half, some copy writer with a sense of mischief substituted ‘companion’ with ‘and his maid’.

‘Not nice’ I hear you say and it is indeed despicable considering his status and esteem. One doesn’t as a rule announce one’s maid in a charity brochure. But on the other hand it’s still preferable to spelling out her name in full since that could have aroused lascivious thoughts in readers even while being excoriated in sermons for just such thoughts. As the Talmud tells us, ‘Where there is a desecration of God’s Name, honour is not afforded even to the great.’

Publish and be lauded

2011-03-02T00:58:00.001Z

Guys, I feel like a diva at La Scala on the final curtain call. I bow before you all, tilt my head slightly back and thrust it forward propelling my hair, sorry my sheitel, into the air and over my face so that my head looks like a willow in the storm of applause. What should I tell you? I’m overwhelmed. Hits have shot up as if my site overdosed on Viagra, with a hechsher of course, (I now know what they mean by stats porn, you know that feeling a rebbe gets at a sell-out tish), laudatory emails have been raining in from the chareidi blogosphere kings of yesteryear and the Hill is alive with the sound of comments. In the middle of it all stand I shaking like receiving my first Oscar and feeling, like the real winner, as if my career has peaked. Of my Warholian 15 minutes I can only say may they last for 120.

But as my father always told me, 'don't let these things get to your head'. And as we were taught at the age of 9 in the ethical primer The Paths of the Righteous in the chapter titled The Gate of Humility you must take credit for very little and confidence building is only kosher if it comes from a heimishe speaker who has devoured all of Carnegie but quotes only the Talmud and R' Avigdor Miller. So perhaps it's time to shut up about myself and get on with the issues at hand.

Rereading the Telegraph article several things struck me. Apparently there is help and support for Gays and Lesbians in the community. This is from the 'rabbi's' mouth and he does not lie. Is this advice under the auspices of the Union? Is it supported by the local rabbonim? Does it have a hotline where confidence is guaranteed? 'Rabbi': for once we want to hear what you have to say so please fill us in. Otherwise we may have to resort to the communal forum in the letters page of the News Update.

Still with the 'rabbi', he mentioned that 100% of parents opt out of sex education. I have spoken to several parents and they tell me they opted for it just like they opted to attend the tzniusfest. Actually with that there was a great deal of effort to cajole parents to come along and enjoy an evening of stories of miracles of girls whose lives were saved by their thick blouse and 80 denier tights. But with sex education since it's never been on the menu how do we opt? Perhaps he opts for us just like he talks for us. Anyway, since our motto has always been 'No Sex Please, We're Chareidish' by opting in you'd lose that 24-carat definition of Chareidi which got you in in the first place and so you’d have opted out. A bit of a Catch 22 with a Talmudical twist. A Bateman cartoon of 'The parent who opted in' should be one to treasure though.

Then there is Buffoon Yitzchok’s alter ego about all of us being happy. I am; are you? You're not? Aha, you're not following the path of the Torah. A few years in 're-education' should sort you out. I particularly liked the finishing flourish about us being 'survivors' in reply to the question of difficulties with housing, employment and all the other tribulations that Satan lets loose on the happy bunch.

Survivors. What a classic. Hint at the juicy bits of Jewish history like Egyptian bondage, Hellenist subsumation, Roman imperialism, the crusaders, inquisition, blood libels, pogroms and the rest and then draw a subtle equation to housing benefit cuts and unemployment. Listen guys, we’re as innocent now as we were innocent then. We survived Pharaoh and Antiochus and we'll survive Cameron and Osborne. Unless I have misread it which is of course always possible .

And finally there are the leaks. I’m not referring to the carbon monoxide variety which has an entire classroom and teacher doze off. For that we praise the Lord and keep shtum; ‘parents can sometimes be such a nuisance’. I mean the more serious leaks which some people actually want publicised. A nice little earner on the side as they say but what can I do if people send them to me? I suppose it is the price of fame that you must publish and be damned. Or as a wise rabbi could have put it, you'll be more damned if you don't.

The holy square mile dissected

2011-02-25T13:10:00.001Z

We’re in the news again and this time not for the wrong reasons. The Daily Telegraph has a long article in tomorrow’s magazine on chareidi Stamford Hill which they have put online. A nice and fair write up overall. The usual suspects, the buffoon, the ‘rabbi’, make an appearance and there is the oft recycled canard of Pinter senior establishing YH schools. As if. More like he climbed to the top and once there shoved everyone out of the way bar his children of course. But that’s for another day.

There are however other voices too and the writer has taken the time and effort to visit Dunsmure Road and Egerton Road. I mean how many journalists do that, though Oldhill Street may be too much to ask. You can’t fault a journalist who tries to gain entry to a kolel either and I suspect many will be relieved that his request was declined.

Yours truly is also allowed a few words edgeways though not quite enough to rain on anyone’s parade. But I’m not complaining because the article is far more comprehensive with context, historical background and research than anything I’ve seen for a long time.

What such articles however confirm more than anything is that so long that we, myself included, don’t take the law into our own hands no one will do it for us. The Telegraph or other papers or even the JC can only give us so much time and unless something of note takes place we are only one of many and there’s a limit to how much space can be dedicated to us. No one will ask the ‘rabbi’ the awkward question if we are not prepared to ask them ourselves and no one will challenge the buffoon on the rubbish and hypocrisy he spouts week after week if we ourselves can’t stand up to him.

Whether it is corruption, nepotism, endangering of lives (and I hear rumours of something major on that front), fundamentalism or downright stupidity you can either stand up to be counted or deserve what you get.

Scandal: Groom kisses bride

2011-02-25T07:58:00.000Z

Stamford Hill has got itself into a lather once again. We're barely out of the last lather whatever that may have been, skirts have been lengthened by an eighth of an inch, Shabbos candles are being kindled 5 minutes earlier to atone for whatever it was that got us into that lather and to appease God to get us out of it, malicious talk is being avoided with ever greater intensity, psalms are being recited fervently everywhere from the doctors' surgery to the benefits advisor's waiting room, horses are being kept even further at bay and women have taken it upon themselves to recite the Song of Songs on the Sabbath eve. Not, heaven forefend, to get them going for the conjugal relations of the evening; that's what they wear their long flowing robes for. And it is precisely for this reason that Rebetzen Padwa has banned wearing them outdoors lest it incite in others what it's intended to arouse in its wearer's basherte.

The Song of Songs rotas may however have been a step too far. The Committee for Enhancement of Stringencies for the Release on Bail of Alleged Child Abusers is hastily reconsidering the guidelines for stringencies which may be adopted in such situations. One must be very careful in these precarious times when dangers lurk not just on the web and in an ipod but can make its way even into the Holy Scriptures and thus into the fragile minds of our dear innocent womenfolk.

For I'm afraid to relate that that is just what happened. A bride and groom who, we can only surmise, studied the book of Song of Songs too fervently and without the aid of the rabbinical commentariat came to believe that the words actually mean what they say. They read about eyes like 'doves by the water streams' without interposing the rabbinical interpretation of shuls and shtibels, they hummed about locks of hair 'wavy and black as a raven' without realising that it refers to hair-splitting halachah, and when they recited the passage about breasts compared to 'two fawns, twins of a gazelle' they ignorantly imagined them to be something other than the poles of the ark of the covenant. We're in Stamford Hill for goodness sake where blouses are shaped to avoid any hint of prancing gazelles.

It will come as no surprise that when reading about lips like a 'thread of scarlet' it didn't occur to our couple that King Solomon of a thousand wives fame was really referring to biblical spooks keeping their promise to a harlot. It was thus only a short mental jump that 'let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth' became, to our entire community's eternal shame, an actual smoochy.

And so I come to this, sordid to some, romantic to others, affair. At a local wedding several weeks ago after the ritual dance of the Mitzvah Tantz the groom, take a deep breath, kissed none other than the bride. I am afraid that it is difficult to dress up the words to make them sound prettier or more decent for the events were really as stark as they sound.

To appreciate the enormity of the transgression in a single simple peck and the scandal that erupted in its wake it would be helpful to provide some background and mise en scène to the grand institution of the Mitzve Tantz. Admittedly not of the like to be seen at a big fat gypsy wedding though a wedding dace nonetheless.

After the wedding meal, or banquet if that's what you call a menu of 'chicken or shnitzel, sir?', not to mention the roast potatoes, washed down with fizzy pineapple juice and cherryade and presided over by mumbling rabbis all but drowned out by chattering females voting with their mouths. 'Women, derech eretz!' This in turn is followed by an hour's dragging the feet in circles to lame tunes from a badly amplified keyboard after which is served ice cream and grace after meal is recited. No wedding however is a real wedding if does not culminate with a jester stroke troubadour that is the badchen getting up on a chair in the centre of the hall between rows of chairs on either side, one side for women the other for the men, and jesting and rhyming till pre dawn if the knot is being tied between rabbinical DNA and 2am for the riff raff. Even a punctilious Golders Greener wannabe with a thick gartl round his bursting short jacket wouldn't be over with it before one o'clock in the morning.

With a whole night to spare, the badchen can regurgitate his stock of flat jokes and worn out anecdotes, rhyme invocations to the dead grandparents, the patriarchs and matriarchs of the families freshly brought together, wax lyrical encomia of the parents who sacrificed their all to raise their children on the true path of tradition, and solemnly exhort the young couple how to build their new home and avoid the primrose path of dalliance. Mascara and foundation dissolve in rivulets of tears, tissues are scrunched, eyes are dabbed, noses are blown while the souls from paradise, who according to the badchen pay us a visit to bless the new young couple for their future life, yawn and pray to be released so they can return to where the jokes are funnier and the food tastier. One by one the men are called up to the honour of dancing with the bride which entails wagging a long belt held by the bride at the other end, until finally it is the turn of the groom to arise and take his newly wedded wife by the hands for a dance.

And what a sexually charged dance it is. A couple who have spent their lives segregated from the delights the opposite sex has to offer, spent less than 2 hours in each other's company prior to their betrothal a year or so earlier and celebrated the entire wedding meal and dancing separated from the person they are about to bed. A dance in full view of men and women who spend similarly segregated lives and who are charged with enforcing this segregation on others, men and women who never held hands in public since they danced this same dance, who never embrace other than behind the confines of the locked bedroom door. In the midst of this the dear groom takes his bride by the hands, no less, and dances. Yes, dances. True, no swaying hips and wiggling posteriors, no hands in the air, no foxtrot, tango or waltz, no closed or open embrace. It may be simply holding hands and shuffling along or for the very holy swaying as if glued to the dance floor, yet what a dance it is.

As we are always told where there is sanctity and holiness Satan is never far behind hatching up some devilish plot. And if Stamford Hill is the quintessence of all that is holy Satan must be working overtime to ensnare our pure innocent souls. So it came to pass that a travesty was committed in our midst and where there once was sanctity there now is profanity and where pure virginal white once reigned it is now besmirched by dark forces conspiring to draw us further into this promiscuous vortex of wickedness and iniquity.

For this is where our little story takes a slightly different ending. The adults were watching the first pigeon steps of these little kiddies starting out on the road of life to the traditional tune of 'A woman of valour' when the road suddenly veered to the left. The dance climaxed not in the groom’s father coming to the rescue but in a centrifugal motion of a kiss. He in his glistening new shtreimel, she in her barely worn sheitel, angelic faces sanctified by fasting and purified by immersion in ritual baths and yet the devil managed to seal this holy night with a kiss. One tiny movement for the lips; one giant retrograde leap for Stamford Hill.

And from a barely audible smooch there grew a tumult. Varicose-veined 80 year olds exclaimed that they had not heard or seen anything like it. 50-somethings recall a similar story in their days and add in a tremulous whisper 'the couple separated within 6 months. She was so embarrassed.' Only the youngsters wonder between themselves, 'what's the big deal', and are immediately shut up by their older sisters. 'Are you mad? What are you a yeed for? You think you're clever? Didn't you see there were children about? It's because of people like them that Shoshi almost died last week of swine flu'.

That too passes and the lid cannot remain fastened for long on our overflowing repository of kindness. 'It was a mistake', some say, 'it can't have been for real, he would have to be mad to do a thing like that.' Others while condemning this vile act committed in public express solicitude for the parents. 'Nebech, do you know what they must be going through?' How could a child be so selfish? How could he do something like that to his parents? Where's his hakoras hatov, his gratitude?' And while the youngsters are desperately trying to get hold of the clip, 'Her sister has it and her mother has begged her to delete it but she won't,’ the pious won't discuss it other than for the moral in the story. 'I remember she believed in showing the children DVDs when they were younger,’ and they nod incredulously at the naivety of some parents.

After which more theories abound than following a hold-up on the Hill. The brother in law, yes that one, put him up to it. The choson was ambushed that this is how things are done 'in our family and you cannot embarrass my sister and mother by doing things differently. Just be a man and not a chasidisher wimp and do what a man has got to do.'

To which the more shrewd retort, 'Don't be so naïve. It was for a lark. Of course it was. His friends bet him £100 and he went for it. And what do you think? She loved every bit of it showing off her newly kissed cheek to whoever cared to look.'

I am proud to report that the community did not sit idly by at this travesty committed in its midst. There are still some principled people about who feel compelled to protest and in due course a poster went up in town condemning this promiscuous act. Not so principled as to put their names to it but they did form a committee and did take time to draft and print the notice, translated below for the benefit of my dear readers, so you cannot write them off altogether.

The Committee of Rabbis for the Purity of Our Camp - London, may Zion and her provinces be built

Under the leadership of the rabbis of our town may they live to a ripe old age

With the help of the Name who is Blessed

The fourth day of the reading of the portion "And you shall be holy men unto me" 21 Shevat 5771 to the small count

Here London may Zion and her provinces be built.

Tidings were heard and our bellies rumbled over an impure incident, not on us, and over a travesty that was committed among Israel on the 5th day of the reading of the portion of "and they encamped in slackness" during the celebration of the wedding of the daughter of one of the upright members of our holy community ([initials]) that is a terrible and awesome desecration of the Name and a serious breach in the walls of the boundaries of sanctity and modesty in our town God forefend.

And so that the people should not say, ‘since the rabbis remained silent it is testimony to their approval’ God forbid, we therefore consider it a duty upon ourselves in accordance with the law of the holy Torah to emerge and protest with all severity against this vile act that has no justification whatsoever.

And we thus proclaim that no one should dare to shed the yoke of the Kingdom of Heaven God forbid and repeat such shameful acts and we shall stand upon our watch with the help of the Name the Blessed with all means we are capable of to restrain against the destroyer.

And may God fence the breaches of His people with mercy amen so may it be the will.

And we thus come to sign

The Committee of Rabbis for the Purity of our Camp - London may Zion and her provinces be built"

And somewhere in a quiet room a draw is opened, a paper is withdrawn and carefully unfolded to reveal a list, and at the bottom of the list there is added a name.

Four years hence and another child will not have a school.

How the rabbis stole Purim

2011-02-22T08:08:00.001Z

News arrives of yet another ban. This time it's not the internet, DVDs, tight blouses, short skirts, walking on one or other side of the road but on walking out altogether. For the rabbis in their eternal wisdom have banned yeshive groups from hiring buses or other forms of transportation on Purim. They have cited the excuse of killjoys up and down the country, 'health and safety' and so killed the modicum of fun that is allowed once a year to penetrate our sacred square of the holy mile and have accomplished what even Haman was not capable of.

Since they don't follow the news, except insofar as it concerns cuts to housing benefit, it appears that they have yet to hear that the Labour government has been out of power for almost a year and health and safety has been declared by the new government a 'music hall joke'. But then what’s a music hall? It is however hoped that having jumped onto the 'elf and saifty' bus more concern may now be shown for the unharnessed children shepherded around morning and evening, weekdays and weekends, public holidays or not in overcrowded vans with their drivers honking their horns while on mobile phones. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it is that our media 'rabbis' and 'police liaison’ machers who are embarrassed by the display of our singing and dancing culture in the open and so have ensured to rid us of their once-a-year red faces.

Mind you talking of jokes there is little to beat the most recent ban, even more recent than the one above. In the run up to Purim a local camera shop, the Camera Media Centre in Dunsmure Road had an idea. An idea? In Stamford Hill? A shop called ‘media’! You can see where this is heading. Anyway, they hired a horse drawn carriage to peddle their wares up and down the square mile. And so a carriage was hired, horses were harnessed, adverts placed, goods displayed, driver seated, whip in hand and…

But then a whip even larger and even thicker appeared.

The horses had not dumped some manure on our litter-free streets before the rabbis beat them to it. For no sooner had the blinkers been affixed and the rabbis snorted. Nein, they said. We can't have horses in Stamford Hill. Just imagine what will happen if a brother were to take his little sister to see the sight, his sister meets a friend and presto the boy will be in the company of an alien girl, Go- forbid. Out! No horses in our stables.

There is a saying, if your horse says no, you either asked the wrong question or asked the question wrong. With a rabbi it's the right question that gets you no, no and no every time. To paraphrase a Yiddish proverb, itself a paraphrase of a verse in Proverbs, there is no wisdom nor understanding nor counsel against a stubborn ~~horse~~ rabbi.

Or as we say in England, a horse, a horse, my rabbi for a ferd!

From Tahrir Square to Schonfeld Skver

2011-02-21T23:10:00.001Z

Here is an email doing the rounds today:

We want FREEDOM! We don't want the Yiddisher Brotherhood to control us! We want the opportunity to carry on shabbos. We want the opportunity to have a selection of kashrus. We want the opportunity to run our shops as we wish. We don't want to pay rocket high prices for our meat.

We don't accept the regime being in power so long unelected. We demand change! We need to topple these dominating leaders. We need a Tahrir Square protest.

Leave us in peace! Get off our backs! Go, Go, Go. Get lost!!

YES! WE MEAN YOU MESSERS PEE - (PADWA/PINTER)

Aid for first aid

2011-02-13T23:35:00.000Z

If you live in Stamford Hill please turn away now. You are not supposed to know what I'm about to tell you and please don't quote this site when passing the message on because I don't want to get myself into trouble. I've written once before how some news items are not meant for us proles whose role in this world is to do as we're told, pay up when ordered to and shut up at all other times.

Which is why what I'm about to tell you did not appear in the new look Jewish Tribune (more facelifts than Michael Jackson; more padding than a wonderbra) or in that other organ of hallowed trivia, the Hamodia. It did though appear in the goyishe, anti-semitic, chareidi-bashing JC so beloved of the 'rabbi' and our other noble institutions when they have an announcement to make to the Jew-ish community but prefer to leave the paying and kvetching community in blissful ignorance.

Well, 2 weeks ago the communal life saver Hatzole held its annual reception. In case they need an introduction it is thanks to them that we can pop round the corner to post a letter and not have our parents, wife, siblings, kids, 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins and not to mention the neighbours worry that we may drop dead on the way. For if you're going to collapse with cardiac arrest courtesy of the tsholent and kugel we're now fed at every other reception, Hatzole's included, you'd be well advised to do so in Stamford Hill. True you may have half the town towering over each other to catch a glimpse but that I'm afraid is the result of not having a kosher equivalent of Doctors or Casualty. While such programs may tell us something about how our bodies are cured they could and would destroy our souls in the process. And round here if it's a competition between body and soul it is always the soul which ends up grinning all the way to paradise.

How oh how I digress. Hatzole held a reception in order to raise much needed funds. In the course of the reception they welcomed as many police officers as could be fit into the reception hall without turning it into the annual conference of the Police Federation. You may wonder what precisely police officers have in common with a local emergency first-aid organisation and I'm afraid I cannot be of much help. However since we as a community believe in dictatorial, autocratic hard power, and civil liberties and individual freedom are something we demand from others but give little of to ourselves, it is conceivable that police officers will command awe, fear and respect. And so it is only natural that we should try and cosy up to earthly powers that appear to mimic the celestial powers that enslave us.

That in itself is still of little use if not for every communal bully desperate to squeeze his beard, grizzly or unkempt as the case may be, into the same frame as an adorned epaulette. It is all the more so when many of us are under the impression that the constabulary wield indiscriminate power and but for the grace of the ‘rabbi’, the buffoon and the new idiot on the block we’d all by now be two stops from Majdanek. The 'rabbi' is all for it as it gives him the opportunity to exhibit his connections with the top brass of Scotland Yard which translated into Yiddish means real hard power. And to the new kid on the block it allows him to turn up at every accident or crime scene where our brethren are shoving and pushing to get a view and he gets to sail through the cordon with impunity while shooing the unwashed away under the pretext of assisting the old bill.

For their part, the police would have been familiar with the premises as a visit to YH Secondary School, where the reception was held, appears to have become a compulsory stop on the route of every local copper's induction. The police must love being lauded and showered with awards and, courtesy of their hosts, never having to meet the hoi polloi. And of course for the price of a plate of kugel they can tick off several boxes on their multi-cultural check lists.

But still I'm not at my point. The purpose of the reception was to raise some funds. In fact a considerable amount was raised which is testimony to the generosity and philanthropy of our community that so much can be raised in a single evening with relatively little effort. The question however on everyone's lips is how much exactly was raised? To which the answer is: Shh, be happy we're there when you need us and mind your own business.

The klaxons may announce an ambulance rushing on yet another mission, the radios may beep on the Sabbath day, the notices may cajole and threaten us to turn up and fill their coffers, the speeches may warn us that not all criticism is welcome, the police may be paraded like tanks at a Soviet May Day parade but as to how much was actually raised? Shh. Have another plate of kugel and stop asking such silly questions. What do you think? They're doing it for themselves? Do you know what it means to be a Hatzole volunteer? Let's see what you do when you need them, big mouth. So just eat up and shut up.

Intriguingly though there appears no such reticence in that goyishe ragsheet, the JC. There we were told - and this is the point where if your postcode is N15, N16 or E5 you really should click elsewhere - that they raised the princely sum of £100,000 in a single evening. That ladies and gentleman is some achievement for which we may hold our heads high. A lot higher than those on the stage talking down to us, even higher than those privileged to cavort with the old bill, and higher still than those who are happy to take our money but will not deign to tell us how much we contributed despite that anyone but ourselves may be privy to the information.

A tale of two cities

2010-11-29T23:31:00.002Z

***Update below***

Yesterday the frum community in Antwerp went to the polls to elect a new rabbi. We, by contrast, were handed our rabbi on a plate in a graveyard. Quite literally. Ok the plate bit I made up but the graveyard is almost true and in fact the announcement was made at the previous rabbi’s funeral. Or as Wiki puts it “The honorary officers of the UOHC announced the appointment of his youngest son, Rabbi Ephraim, as the new rabbinical head of the community.”

How we would have cheered had it not been during the summer holidays when we were sunning ourselves in some summer camp rechristened, if that’s the word, Stamford Hill-on-sea for a couple of weeks. Alas we weren’t there and the officers who are honorary in name and name only had the field to themselves. They could have appointed a frog and we would have followed every hop and croak while persuading ourselves that we are the envy of the world. So they chose a dinosaur instead and we should be grateful to them for that. And to to enforce his pre-Neanderthal credentials, at his inauguration our Sanctified Leader duly delivered an exquisite disquisition on the topical subject of the Decapitated Calf.

In Antwerp they evidently do things differently. Rabbi Kreiswirth passed away almost 10 years ago and his seat has remained vacant ever since. There was talk of them nominating our own Dayan Ronnie Dunner as a candidate (or as he is sometimes fondly referred to, Dyno-RoD) but his community threatened to block his exit if he as much as left for an interview. Less kinder tongues wagged at the time that he declined when it transpired that there were others in the running. How the Antwerpians, or the Twerps, must have blessed their holy stars when Dunner travelled to India, saw the Taj Mahal and deciding he couldn’t build his dear darling rebbetzen a hovel like that got her instead a synthetic sheitel without any chashash of Avoide Zore. Just imagine the smoocher he got on his return.

I digress. I digress. Antwerp has been without a rabbi for almost a decade and it appears none the worse for it. It has had an eiruv for very many years having had the good fortune not to have had a Padwa at its helm. Its fortunes have been declining of late with the diamond industry moving to India and no largesse from its government to match that which housing benefit throws our way. It is nonetheless a respectable community albeit reminiscent of a pale of settlement shtetl c.1890 and a shuttle service plies the sanctified Stamford Hill-Antwerp route several times a day which cannot be said even for Stamford Hill-Golders Green.

Recently a suitable candidate was found and the male burghers of the Flemish city were asked to express whether they are for or against him. It appears that King Leopold’s countrymen know more of common suffrage than us dwellers in the shadow of the mother of parliaments. And so choose a leader they did and Rabbi Aharon Schiff duly won the vote.

Mazel Tov!

There are however 2 points on which I must sound off. The first is that according to this source (in Hebrew) 1263 members were entitled to cast their vote in Antwerp. This may be another explanation, besides the patently obvious one, why Padwa was not put to the vote. While the UOHC purports to speak for and to all of us every time something ‘comes to their attention’ in reality they have relatively few members and there are even fewer reasons why one would want to become a member. They’ll rip you off for your meat, milk and marriage and ban your strawberries whether you’re a member or not and as for burial they’ll dump you in a water-logged bog reserved for members only. And without members it is rather difficult to hold an election so the next best thing was to slip him in while we were smeared with Amber Solaire.

And the next point is on the dinosaur comment I made earlier. The big story about town is of the local couple who’ve been arrested for allegedly drugging and abducting their daughter to take her out of Israel. They were taken off a plane bound for Bucharest and arrested. Bail has for the moment been refused.

The kneejerk defences are well under way. ‘The girl is mad’. ‘She has a boyfriend.’ ‘She is 21 with a mental age of 10.’ ‘You don’t know what good parents they are.’ Or simply, ‘It can’t be. You must hear the other side and you can never trust the Israeli media/police/judiciary for they all hate us'.’

What follows is a translation of a comment on an Israeli chareidi website, “The chareidi community in London is known primarily for being the most primitive and extreme of chareidi communities abroad. This community harboured in her midst the monster Elior Chen who tortured and abused small children in the name of religion. This community, the majority of which belongs to the extreme Satmar chasidim, suffers from a communal ‘honour’ syndrome and for the sake of honour all means are kosher. –What will people say?- This is of course the pretext for throwing the girl to the dogs in order to save her parents’ skin. The facts on the ground are that the girl is intelligent, sharp and fun and only malicious people could descend to such sub-human conduct [to malign her]. And let us assume that it is true, I ask: may one abuse a mentally ill daughter? If she is indeed, as they put it, retarded may one cruelly inject her with drugs and abduct her with force? Stop putting on a straight face!”

It hurts when it comes from Israelis who are the maddest extremists of the lot. But that makes it no less true. And while I would quibble whether we are indeed worse than others we are generally rather behind with the times and perhaps it is time to catch up. And harbouring fewer rapists and paedophiles and not raising money for them wouldn’t be a bad place to start.

Here is the JC's report on the above story.

A classic vort

2010-11-25T10:23:00.000Z

Is it a coincidence that the oaf is male and the heretic female? No wonder the rabbis weren’t (aren’t?) happy for women to study Torah.

The milk of rabbinical (un)kindness

2010-11-19T08:15:00.000Z

Stamford Hill is in a lather, or, given the subject matter, perhaps that should be a latte. Whatever, the place is frothing over the no simple matter of a litre of milk.

2 businessman from Golders Green backed by a third North Westerner have set up a milk supply to challenge the long-standing monopoly of Chareidi Dairies. So far so good, you may think, until you notice the kosher seal on the bottle and the peyos will drop. For if where there is muck there is brass, where there is kosher there is brass, copper, silver and more. And as will be seen, where there is kosher milk there is lots of cream too.

For the last 10-15 years there has been a monopoly of kosher milk in London. This was supported by that bastion of holiness, Kedassia, who in return for a royalty on each litre of milk refused to certify rival milk supplies. However many sheitels you added to the cow's head its milk would remain treif. For as it is written in the Scriptures "Thou shalt mug the mothers for the kids' milk." The arrangement suited everyone especially us paying 94p+ a litre for the privilege of uber kosher milk and some kosher pig headedness in the bargain. Honestly, what are a few pennies when the sanctity of our souls are at stake?

But that has now changed. The half-goyim who reside in Golders Green are importing milk from Scotland where entire herds have been found that refuse to recognise or, more likely, are ignorant of the exclusive domain of Kedassia within the M25. Kedassia was approached for a hechsher and holding true to their principles said 'nein', we do the milking round here and not necessarily of cows. So the GGers turned to other rabbinical authorities and this is where things get tricky.

That there can be a rabbinical authority besides the Kedassia is itself open to question. But that that authority should actually declare what is and isn't kosher within Kedassia's back yard is contrary to the exclusive charter granted to them by Edward the Confessor and according to some scholars by King Ine of Wessex whom the Scots do not recognise. Turning to others for kosher certification is therefore not only heresy but treason of the highest order. This however is what the world is coming to and turn to other authorities they did.

The rabbis authorising the new milk are the London Beth Din and a Rabbi Knopfler. The KLBD is so kosher that many of their own Dayanim won't touch their meat stuff so they wouldn't slice the butter round here. Similarly, Knopfler may be a harmless fellow but of unknown pedigree on this side of Nags Head. Were it therefore only those 2 certifying the milk it would curdle as soon as it passed Manor House. Let the Golders Greeners continue fressing the treif they are accustomed to. Our kids however must suckle a pinta that is nutritious for the body and the soul.

But, as Tony Blair well knows, there is a third way and at times a third rabbi too. Enter Rabbi Eckstein and this, ladies and gentleman, is where things begin to warm up. Rabbi Eckstein took up several years ago a position as the rabbi of the Belz shtibel in St. Kildas Road. He has now broadened his horizons further north than even his birthplace in Manchester and has added the 3rd seal of approval to the Highland milk. Pity the environment for the cows must be releasing excessive amounts of methane gas in their exuberance at having a triumvirate of rabbis approving the provenance of their emanations. And rejoice Stamford Hill for thou milk has been deflated.

Lest anyone accuse Kedassia of putting principle before gain they did apparently offer a deal at the eleventh hour to add their seal subject to payment of something like 4p per bottle in order to comply with the biblical command of squeezing tithes out of teats. They were politely told to go and chew cow pat of a strictly kosher variety.

Kedassia however being Kedassia is not quite taking this on its bearded chin. Eckstein was sacked from his unpaid position on the rota of rabbis who deal with public enquiries at Kedassia's rather grotty citadel on Stamford Hill. This though is only the celestial angle taken care of. As to the more Godly problem of the loss of royalties by having alien cows plying their trade in Kedassia's hallowed meadow, well God looks after that too though with a varied record of success.

The local groceries sat on their shelves for the first week but they are now stocking it to the delight of their clients. If anyone ever accused us of being a spineless, supine bunch just ask the grocers how many requests they had prior to stocking it and how the new milk has been walking off the shelves. It is not that we are unwilling to protest it is simply that we lack the opportunity. Most of the time the rabbis and God are on the same side so offending the former risks inviting the ire of the latter which naturally we are loathe to do. Besides we all have sons and daughters and we do need to marry them off at some stage. It is only once in a lifetime that God and the rabbis part ways and on those rare occasions we immediately abandon the rabbis and leave them mooing in the cold. Miraculously too the old milk dropped in price overnight and assurances have been sought that standards in kosherness have not been sacrificed on the altar of competition.

True, Grodzinsky has been ‘requested’ not to stock the new milk. Neither for their cappuccinos which may contain only milk that frothes to the command of Kedassia hot air and nor in sealed bottles. This is on pain of, well, that which is best left unpronounced. Do however make the sums of the number of loaves and rolls they sell a day and you get the consequences of messing with the true breadwinner.

As for wider repercussions, there could be some turbulent times ahead for Kedassia. Unlike the US and Israel, London remains the only large ultra-orthodox centre where there is a virtual monopoly on the strictly kosher market. This status quo has now been breached and other products and even meat, where the main money lies, may follow. Kedassia did try to issue a rabbinical notice in support of a single certifying authority but apparently Satmar refused to sign and herein lies the problem.

As mentioned, Eckstein is a dayan in Belz which has a long-running rivalry with Satmar. Should Eckstein establish himself Satmars will no doubt be calling for their own milch cow. This could eventually lead to the break up of the Kedassia and the Padwa dynasty, banish the thought. And when one dynasty falls others are sure to follow.

Even more serious to the Kedassia hegemony is the possibility of an Eiruv in Stamford Hill. At the last failed attempt Eckstein was its main rabbinical and halachic supporter. He was forced to retreat when the main organiser was threatened by the financial backers of his kolel. Belz also did not want to be seen as being the sole supporter of a project strongly opposed by Padwa & co. That may change if Eckstein feels aggrieved by his dismissal or if Kedassia retaliates against Belz as a community. If, please God, that were to happen the milk could yet give rise to poles and string round Hackney and its environs.

May our land continue flowing Milk and Honey and may we live in interesting times. Amen!

Democracy II

2010-11-19T08:12:00.001Z

News reaches me of the outcome of the Parent Governor elections mentioned below and I am left to eat my streimel.

Not only were the elections held with no allegations of vote rigging or other impropriety but the winner was apparently the sole woman candidate on the list. She is a local educator so don’t expect anything too exciting but it is a victory nonetheless.

Mazel Tov is surely in order and we hope she enjoys the soporific experience of taking part in board meetings where very little is debated and even less decided.

Democracy is coming to Stamford Hill

2010-11-07T00:28:00.000Z

Shock. Horror. Disgust. Dismay. These are just some of the sentiments expressed by our Dear Leaders among the panoply of emotions generated by the news that elections are to be held in Stamford Hill. Not in our, or their, wildest fantasies did they, or we, imagine that there exists a power to compel anyone in the holy square mile to hold elections. We have been brought up that power is theirs by right, and just occasionally, when a contingency arises, by might, and now we are led to question our most basic and fundamental assumptions. How are we to contend with this, is the question on all lips.

Admittedly, local and national elections are held at polling booths within shockling distance of our great institutions, and these are passed by the Rabbonim as permissible so long, of course, that votes are cast in favour of the right candidates. But as with all non-Torah-true influences great care is taken to ensure that alien concepts such as democracy, accountability and transparency do not infiltrate our hallowed, kosher, bug-free-lettuce homes. For democracy, plebiscites, suffrage, enfranchisement and similar obscenities make no appearance from In the Beginning of Genesis to the last word of Chronicles and so are as treif as strawberries.

And as we are constantly reminded our shoulders are too narrow and the space between our ears too confined to bear the responsibility of introducing such ideas of our own accord. Of the heimishe, for the heimishe, by the heimishe, is simply not a heimishe concept.

For this reason we are fortunate that our chief rabbinate is run by one dynasty, our dayanim by secret appointment and our lay leaders by the size of their dislodgeable posteriors and just occasionally by the depth of their pocket. This last one being the exception rather than the rule as rules round here are, as a rule, there to be flouted. However, we should not complain. It is this system that has allowed our exalted and lofty way of life to be handed down through generations and the secrets methods of our distillation to be perfected over centuries. And when it comes to ‘our’ schools, well they are a story of their own. There has never been any doubt that we are in the good and able hands of a unique dynasty that has guided us hither and will continue to do so yonder.

Or so we thought. For news reaches me that to the consternation of those who dictate our way of life Yesodey Hatorah Secondary School will be holding elections for a Parent Governor. And if that isn’t enough, apparently a species of the fairer sex has had the temerity to stand for the position. I mean, what is the world coming to if a woman can try and elicit votes from parents which include men (though one wouldn’t think so when attending open days, parent evenings, graduation ceremonies or any other school activity except if it includes a visit by the PM or a few police officers when the men all miraculously appear)?

How, we all ask, has it come to this? Where have we gone wrong? Is this the result of a (non-existent) fair admissions policy? Is it the influence of having, G-d forbid, parents with tops which indicate a shape beneath and skirts which hint at legs ambulating within? Let us not mince our words. This is the greatest threat to our collective existential survival since the advent of 24mbps broadband and SMS messaging. Nothing short of a national day of tznius observance and tehilim recital is called for to eradicate this democratic cancer from our midst. We should be tearing down the mezuzed doors of our Dear Leaders and demand answers. If we can have kosher mobiles and kosher internet surely it is not beyond the innovative minds who are so adept at constantly moving the bimah posts to keep undesirables from sending their urchins to ‘our’ schools and bringing with them these dangerous, unheard of concepts.

But please do not be rash. We ask that you pay heed to the Rabbonim who have decreed that we bear this news with equanimity and dignified silence. Now is not the time for public protest, letter writing and faxing campaigns and a further announcement will be made if and when the situation changes. Buses will of course be put on for any demo. And whatever you do do not by any means approach the media for that is the exclusive domain of better and abler hands, if not necessarily brains.

We end with a prayer that the right candidate is elected, that once elected he (for he it shall no doubt be) votes as he is told, assuming anything is ever put to vote, and that our enemies who are trying to bring about these dangerous alien changes are put to flight. Amen!

Has Pinter been demoted?

2010-10-19T23:01:00.001+01:00

The 'Rabbi' has always titled himself as the 'principal' of Yesodey Hatorah Schools or, sometimes, Yesodey Hatorah Secondary School.

In 2003 the BBC website has him as principal, in 2004 he was so called in The Independent, in 2008 in the Guardian and more recently in the JC on 21 September 2010, when the 'Rabbi' also said 'I have 150 employees..' presumably as principal of one or more of the schools.

So why was he described in last week's JC as 'Charedi leader' and who and what does he lead other than his schools, unless a rent-a-quote career on any subject from human embryology to the number of people at a wedding qualifies one as a leader?

Even stranger is his title in the recent interview with him on the Blood and Property blog on the very subject of YHS where he is introduced as Yesodey Hatorah 'spokesman'.

So has he resigned as principal? Has he been sacked? If so, by whom and why? And is it usual for schools to have spokespeople, do they draw a salary, how many hours do they work a week?

'Rabbi': please can we have a quote.

Red Ed? More like boring Ed

2010-09-28T15:25:00.000+01:00

He makes John Major seem exciting and muesli like your cereal of choice.

New River Win

2010-09-17T10:55:00.000+01:00

ConservativeHome is gloating this morning about a tory win in one of England's poorest wards.

Either they’re being disingenuous or they are completely ignorant of politics round here. In reality it makes little difference either way.

For those of you fasting tomorrow take it easy and don’t overdo it in shul!

Is legitimate protest a threat?

2010-09-14T12:59:00.003+01:00

This morning I see a representative from the CST patrolling outside a Kapores centre and I wonder if this is what the CST is for.

The concerns of the organisers of this event are not primarily security because the CST is not seen at much larger local gatherings. Their concerns are animal rights activists and local authority inspectors who, rightly or wrongly, have in the past targeted this practice. In the USA there have been demos and concern has been expressed in this country too. Even within Judaism there are respectable views against Kapores with the Shulchan Aruch (in a 1565 edition) calling it a munhag shtus and that one should refrain from the tradition. Of course, if the ritual is carried out humanely there should be no reasons to fall foul of the authorities.

So why is CST securing this event? Their role as expressed on their website is :

to protect [the Jewish Community's] many achievements from the external threats of bigotry, antisemitism and terrorism.

Does this include preventing legitimate protest albeit, to some, of an inconvenient and unpleasant nature? Unless it is the CST's view that any opposition to anything done by Jews is by definition anti-Semitic the CST should have no truck with this particular event.

On the Right Side of the Road

2010-09-08T00:34:00.002+01:00

I should be wishing my handful of readers a Happy New Year and joking about the honey and how the chasidim go for the golden runny variety at the cost of £4 a jar and not the thick sliceable goyishe type that can be picked up on the cheap. And I should also be in bed so I can get up early for some pre-dawn penitence, followed by voiding promises and all the other traditions which make up Rosh Hashone Eve.

I’ll however write something brief on the creeping extremism into Stamford Hill and how by stealth ever more stringencies and madnesses are being imposed on us. While it is the big stories that make the news it is the little stories that matter. They creep in unnoticed and in no time become the norm so that when the next madness turn up it seems only reasonable to let it pass. Of course a contrarian will say ‘a meshugass!’, some woman will say ‘and what’s wrong with that?’ and the rest of the world will shrug and do as they’re told.

So here I shall keep a little flame of protest alight simply by noting what others would prefer to go unchecked. I’ll tag them each Fundamentalism-Watch and see how quickly they pile up. How’s that for a new year’s resolution?

In today’s Heimishe Newsheet, the ad-only, intellect-free weekly which is distributed round here (while the newspapers that teach you how, what and not to think are on the brink of closure) the central spread is a call for women to walk on one side of the pavement and men on the other when walking to the river for Tashlich to dump our sins on Rosh Hashone.

According to the centre spread it is to avoid ‘the possibility of men and women mingling’ and ‘it has therefore been decided, with the agreement of the Rabbonim, that men should walk on the left side of the roads leading to Tashlich and women on the right side of the roads.’

Feminists of Hackney where are you when we need you most?

Now if only one of those dear Rabbonim would care to put his name to the edict at least I’d respect him for his convictions. But they too are victims of some nut and are as gutless as the rest of us. And so we will all follow like zombies and be grateful we weren’t told to jump in the river once we get there.

On a serious note though, I would add a postscript to the notice that to avoid a wasted trip for those of a holy disposition they should please mingle on the way there only so that upon arrival they don’t look odd with no sins to dump. To those however of a more green inclination, admittedly not many amongst God’s Chosen, I’d say Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

As Van Morrison might have said walking towards the river with a sack load of sins:

Little baby take my hand
You can help me share this load
From the right side of the road
To the dark end of the street

Technorati Tags: Stamford Hill,Fundamentalism-Watch

'Discovered' in Clapton Common

2010-08-29T23:53:00.000+01:00

Those with the gall to break out of the community are expected to slink away in silence, to disappear into the netherworld of mainstream society.

It is this attitude which makes us writers so misunderstood in our community. There is no appreciation that people simply want to voice their opinion and tell their story. It must be self-hating, self justification, bitterness, vengeance, malevolence, sucking up to the goyim. In fact anything other than that perhaps there is a point and there is some validity in what is being said. And even if there is a point 'do you really have to let the goyim know what's going on?'

Ah well, we'll go on writing and they'll go on vilifying.

Hath not a Jew manners?

2010-08-24T15:35:00.006+01:00

Ha, with an opening like that what could I be referring to but the by now notoriously infamously shocking, gut wrenchingly nauseating, angst inducing, repentance instigating, Psalms resorting, redemption pleading article by Christina Patterson in The Independent. I know, I'm a Yiddl come lately as we're now almost a month after the event and no one's even talking about it any longer. I have however been away in the great après Tisha B'Av exodus when Stamford Hill puts on its collective skates and heads for the mountains, hills, sea and even slums, recreating them if necessary, so long that it's away. But shh don't utter it too loudly as the ganovim may pay you a visit and without the shomrim about who will be there to lend the cops a hand or stand in for them altogether?

I'm digressing as usual. I was up to Ms Patterson's famous 'And I would like to say…' tribute to yours truly, his (or her if you choose) brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, neighbours, shul colleagues, friends, foes and, to cut it short, co-religionists of any hue, colour, shade or complexion living in Stamford Hill. No hat style is exempt, no beard length excused and I’m afraid no matter whether human-hair or synthetic sheitel is your forte we’re all in it together. She’s even lumped us together with the Muslims, now there’s an insult, and now we may get to share coaches when we go to the joint demo. Naquibs and sheitels to the back, beards to the front and in one fell swoop la Patterson will have created a multiculturalism that actually works and shares a ride.

Truth said there ought to have been a great talmudical debate whether south Tottenham is covered or whether they stand out as that rare specimen of Jews who have manners. According to Blood and Property it may be something of a Hackney thing and Patterson has got it all wrong: it’s the geography stupid. On the other hand she may have omitted our Tottenham brethren as Stokies are loathe to admit that they're geographically closer to south Tottenham than to Hoxton which could shave a few tens of thousands off their lovely Kyverdale and Allerton Road (the ‘right’ parts) houses.

The trouble however is that the rabbis round here have never heard of the Independent (except of course for the 'Rabbi' who is on first name terms with even the editor of the Nowheresville Herald so long that it can fit a couple of hairs of his beard and his latest press release on its front page). You see for us it's The Times for the wannabes, wrapped up in the Estates Gazette, the Telegraph for the old timers and the Guardian for the anti-semites and self-haters. Oh and The Sun for the proste builders (though they're all Polish these days) the Mail when there's a juicy Jewish gossip story and the Express for your granny. But the Independent? Vos is dos? Are they good to the Yidn? Robert Fisk? keinmol nisht gehert.

Mind you to be fair such philistines are we in addition to our congenital rudeness that we’d never even heard of Patterson before she was kind enough to pay us homage. But you must give it to us. We Jews really do control the press. One word about us and the blogosphere, twittersphere and commentsphere want to talk about nothing but us. And if you think I'm being sarcastic type Christina Patterson’ in your search engine and of her entire oeuvre it is we who appear on top. The Chosen People as seen on google. Oy, how the Zion Elders would have kvelled. Jews get Burchill and they get Patterson.

Ok, very funny but what about the accusations themselves? Do you deny them or is this a shoot the messenger exercise? Well, Ms Patterson if you think you’ve seen it all join us on an El Al flight and you’ll see what rudeness is about. You’ll be praying for Stamford Hill 5 times a day and that’ll be just at the check in desk. But who am I to answer if public opinion on the Hill as voiced on our behalf by that denizen of 7 miles away Mr Strom and from even further afield in the JC are all strongly anti-Patterson. So what is better being mauled by Patterson or defended by Strom? Oh, L-rd save us from such invidious choices.

Strangely, the Buffoon deserted us just when we needed him most and has simply kept shtum. Who would have believed this multi-talented fossil was capable of that too? As for our spokesman the 'Rabbi', he has released a Directive not to approach La P. if seen wandering about on the Hill and definitely not to be argued with as talking to the press is his exclusive domain and infringers will have their kids refused admission or kicked out altogether from his voluntary aided (i.e. aid to the his extended family on whom HM Government has in its beneficence bestowed untold and previously unknown riches and power and jobs and buildings and who knows what else if only we could make some Freedom of Information requests without being summonsed by the entire Rabbinate and their wives and 15 kids, daughters included no less) school.

But I have some other issues with Patterson. The trouble is that when you tell us Jews that some of us are rude (I DIDN'T SAY ALL, OK OK, I didn't and I didn't mean you there flailing your arms when thanking the car on the zebra crossing, and you I caught prostrating in front of the bin man when he took your building material and the gratitude and hakoras hatov we all show to our askonim thanking them at dinners, in speeches and in newspaper ads for their daughter's weddings and wives' funerals) I only said some of us. But when you do say that up pop all the lovely Jews to say but it's not me. I'm not rude. So let's get this clear. I am rude. I am a proud practising Jew and conform to every word of Patterson and here is my tribute to her:

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew manners? Hath not a Jew hands, ears, mobiles, wifi, bluetooth, hands-free as a Christina has? If you phone us do we not speak, if you text us do we not misspell? If you blog us do we not comment, if you spam us do we not you trash, and if you flame us shall we not you tweet? Hath not a Jew a middle finger like he in a white van conveyed and can he like him not honk his horn? When you sit astride us do we not rise and when you greet us do we not turn the other cheek? When we apply for planning do you not object and when we a school wish to erect do you not petition against? And when you visit the park do you not outside a Jewish abode on Lingwood Road station your carriage and when to the Gunners must you roar do you not occupy Queen Elizabeth Walk? Do your canines our towpaths and bridlepaths not foul? When inebriated do you not your beer cans on railings impale and our pavements with your oral emissions adorn? When you forget the pill do you your offspring not cart around in a pushchair and when on Ryanair do you your seat near a Jew choose? Why, rudeness. The villainy you teach me I will execute and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.

Breaking News! Tribune to Close

2010-08-20T17:07:00.001+01:00

It was with great shock and sadness that the news was received that the Organ of Anglo-Torah Jewry, the one and only (thank the L-rd for that) Jewish Tribune is to close. Such is the degreee of yeridath ha'doroth that even charedim can't be relied upon to make the correct choice in their media preference. Oh how we shall mourn the sagacity of the Buffoon, the wit of Alex Strom, the unrivalled madness of Judith Weil, those letter pages and how can the tears stop flowing when we think of the Woman's Tribune? Where will the heimishe ladies get their advice on women's health which was never addressed anyway or on women's rights which in any event is one big oxymoron?

Sorry but with a stopped heart, flowing eyes and nose, stooping shoulders, cracked ribs, shoin enough already, we must wish you a gut shabbes and find some consolation in the kigel and tsholent.

Yom Tefiloh, demos, letters to ambassadors and shnorrer appeals next week im yirtse HaSh-m.

And yet we'll go on voting Tory...

2010-07-18T17:38:00.003+01:00

Here is a quote concerning the announcement in the recent budget that housing benefit will be capped at £400 per week.

I need to touch on a problem in the north of Hackney... where orthodox Jewish families will be severely hit. Such families typically have more than four children, and many of them live in the private rented sector, so the limit on benefit will have a devastating impact. The council and social landlords in Hackney will be unable to take the strain, so I need answers from the Minister on how councils will be supported in dealing with that.

Now guess who it came from? The Tribune? Nah, too busy defending the Emanuhell racists and condemning the disinterment of yet more bones somewhere in Israel? The Hamodia? Also not I'm afraid. Their preoccupation is some other Israeli 'scandal' which concerns very few of us as well as of course the Hello style Rebbes page where their Divinities are shown in various forms of ecstasy celebrating the Redemption of the Firstborn of their 5th cousin 7 times disputed. Not the JC either who are more interested when we're caught with our trousers down or drugs in our baggage than in our social needs. Perhaps one of our councillors, or the 'Rabbi', or the Buffoon, or the latest prick on the block competing with the 'Rabbi' over the number of constables he can be seen with and the number of Get Out of Jail cards he can dispense (though without mentioning how much is paid on passing Go).

The words above were by none other than the Labour MP for Hackney. But not the leadership contender and our MP Diane Abbott who is too busy with the Yemenites but rather by Meg Hillier, MP for Hackney South. And who quoted her and discussed at length the effect of the benefits cap on our community? None other than the goyishe blogger Blood and Property. And our leaders bless 'em will keep on telling us to vote Tory because, I'm not too sure because what but that's what heimishe guys do and don't ask question and just do as you're told.

And for those who want to delve further into the figures here is something that won't be music to many people's ears. According to this undated paper, Orthodox Jew make up about 7% of the Borough's population. An ethnic breakdown of Housing Benefit claimants shows us at 6% which is just under our percentage of the population. However, where the numbers become interesting is when you consider how the £400 cap affects our community. Take a look at this and you will understand why according to this report:

Ethnicity analysis of those LHA claimants who will be adversely affected by the cap proposal (see below), clearly shows that the Charedi community will be the most severely affected.

But you needn't worry. Our press and rabbis won't mention it because it may cause some heretics to query why it is so and whether it has been ordained that it must remain so. Let them carry on with their demos against NVQs G-d forbid and carry coffins round Kensington and leave such nonsense as housing to our Dear Leaders who have our best interests in their hearts and pockets and they will sort it out for the best as they always do. And if not there is always the Book of Psalms to turn to which neither Tories nor Trotskys can deprive us of.

Hallelujah!

Rabbis for the Internet!

2010-07-18T10:57:00.028+01:00

In a rare show of solidarity seldom seen in this country or anywhere in the world rabbis of all persuasions, cults, creeds and colours (sorry black and white only) came out in unprecedented numbers to support the world wide web. Rabbis who have spent their life prohibiting the internet as the greatest threat to Judaism since the golden calf recanted in public and stood shoulder to shoulder and hat-brim to hat-brim to proclaim their belief in the dot coms and dot orgs of our age to redeem us of our orthographical errors.

As the arch pro web campaigner fondly known as Dyno Rod in a rare public recant proclaimed 'We the Rabbonim have always been surfing the web to ensure that you are protected from the filth we are forced to endure for your sake. However for spelling sake and to avoid the even greater dangers of our teachers having to take an NVQ we have accepted that we may have been mistaken in the past and hereby announce the world wide web open for all. Hurrah! Mazel Tov! Oyf Simkhes! Mertshem bay You! And while the yungeleit do their rebetzen's returns in T.K. Maxx we shall all retire for a coffee. Rabbis to Starbucks!'

And while we're at it despite the endorsement, nay exhortations, of the Rabbonim including the real, sans quotation marks, Rabbi Pinter to attend, the Buffoon and 'Rabbi' Pinter were nowhere to be seen. The Buffoon was of course busy refilling his fountain pen after his prolific letter-writing campaign on behalf of the Emmanuel racists and the Jaffa interned inviting them all to move to the fox-infested bog in Carterhatch Lane under his control. As for the revered, esteemed, capillary endowed 'Rabbi' Pinter, with not a politician or chief superintendent in sight we must agree that his time could be far more productively employed fraternising with the Buffoon at a 'meeting' of some sort rather than be seen with the 'nine-days' unwashed oi (vei) polloi and not a lens in focus.

When is a party not a party?

2010-07-18T09:44:00.000+01:00

When is a party not a party? Of course, when it's a birthday bash by the Board of Deputies and the Buffoon is in attendance. This week he had the grace to tell us abou the 'meeting' he attended and all the wonderful things that happened to him. When was the last time you attended a 'meeting' where the women turned out as for Ascot and not a chair in sight? And do God's, sorry G-d's, emissaries on earth really attend BoD 'meetings'?

I suppose we must put it down to the Buffoon's customary humility and modesty again. What an assett! How fortunate we are to have him in our midst and how impoverished the BoD for having him round for a 'meeting' once only in 250 years.

Poor little Israel

2010-07-09T00:09:00.006+01:00

The following is an extract from this BBC story on the Russian spy scandal.

The papers also allege the suspects travelled on false passports.

A decoded message to Tracey Lee Ann Foley, accused of using a fake British passport provided by the SVR, reads: "Very important: 1. sign your passport on page 32. Train yourself to be able to reproduce your signature when it's necessary. 2. Pls, be aware that you just visited Russia... If asked, we suggest you use the following story: you flew to Moscow on Mar 16 from London for example flight SU 211 to participate in business talks..."

She is told to destroy the memo after reading.

I have yet to hear of the Russian ambassador being summoned for a dressing down, a Commons statement, expulsion of diplomats and not to mention press headlines and outrage by Ming Campbell.

Yet another instance when it feels like Israel is the little kid in the playground trying so hard to behave like the big boys but the big boys just keep on sneering at them. Israel thinks the solution is to try even harder or just to make its own rules whether the big shots like it or not. The rest of the better behaved kids however just can't understand why they can't get back into the line.

Sometimes you really do feel sorry for them.

The Board’s birthday bash

2010-07-06T23:25:00.013+01:00

We in Stamford Hill have always known the very many reasons to be grateful to our askonim. Whether they are in the hatzole sounding their klaxons to save our lives, in the kosher business to fill our stomachs, in schooling to babysit our kids or in the fundraising industry to improve our souls by diminishing the contents of our wallets there is a common thread running through them. Selfless men and a few women too who give their all to save us from looking after ourselves. Wagging tongues don't deflect them and nay sayers don't deter them. They are on a mission assigned to them from heaven and if they happen to benefit indirectly from their good deeds not only do we not begrudge them their sidekick but we open our pockets to line theirs. We know that for the exalted few our needs are theirs and so it is only right that we should let them treat us as as they see fit.

I am of course referring to those altruistic individuals who give from their time, their money, their jobs (if they are lucky to have one) and their family for their niche askonus. A much rarer commodity however are those individuals who will sacrifice even from their ruchnius, from their religious values and duties, for the sake of the general good. Men and women who will desecrate the shabbos, skip a minyen, speak loshen hore, refuse kids places in schools, converse with goyim and even strike up friendships with them and all for the sake of avoiding us opening our mouths and saying the wrong thing. Altruistic utilitarianism you might like to call it though such individuals are so rare a breed that their DNA is still being pored upon by askenologists. The Chofets Chaim it is said skipped a minche when at a meeting in Warsaw to discuss the terrible decree that would have obliged Jewish kids to get some secular education. And for that he is the Chofets Chaim. Yet we in our generation, in our country, in our city and in our very community have merited not one but indeed two such individuals.

This may sound incredible and indeed it is but true nonetheless. Gracing the pages of last week's papers were our own esteemed 'Rabbi' and Buffoon partying away for the sake of all of us. Cynics amongst you may be thinking, big deal, he went to a party, where for Christ's sake is the mesiras nefesh in that? Haven't we all been to a party? Of course, with a wall-to-wall mechitze, a glatt kosher kedassia menu of roast potatoes and schnitzel, or fish if that be your preferred choice, tznuesdike attired females on the female side and a bearded holy fool mumbling in the mic held too close to his moustache begging the ladies to be quiet. I mean you're not trying to tell me that they went to some goyishe or 'Jew-ish' G-d forsaken fest where men mingle freely rachmone litzlon with noshim, Reformists masquerade as Jews and the food is, well, dodgy at best considering the meat has a hechsher your dog wouldn't rely on and side dishes and dessert containing innocent looking broccoli or even those notoriously treacherous strawberries.

Dear reader it is just such a party I am referring to and this is what I mean by the mesiras nefesh of our unique and once-in-3-generations askonim. No less than the exalted 'Rabbi' and the esteemed Buffoon sacrificed all that is dear and holy to their precious souls and all for the sake of representing you and I. We know they give away their time to mingle with entire units of Scotland Yard's finest to prevent them rounding up all of us for the crime of being Jewish and for that we genuflect and kiss the concrete they walk on. We are fully aware of the dedication of being a councillor and mayor for decades for measly pay and sleepless nights so that our bins should be collected on the eve of Pesach. We will never forget the angst they endure when saying no to kids being admitted to their schools so as not to pollute the more delicate neshomes of our charges.

But this? Just take look at the pain in their eyes, their forced smile, the discomfort so evident in their body language, beard unkempt and tie askew and you will come to understand why there is virtually nothing they will not do for us. And then to read the Buffoon a week later and to marvel at him having the grace and mentshlichkeit he is so renown for in wishing the Board a happy birthday and with his hallmark modesty made no mention of his own attendance. Mi keamkho yisoreil? And who is like thou askonim, O Israel?

And imagine the sight when the envelope dropped through their toiredike letter box undefiled by the shmutz that is the common lot of non-heimishe letterboxes and their shock when they discovered its contents. How they referred their predicament whether to attend to daas torah. The 'Rabbi' explaining how he simply could not attend a party where women wore no sheitels and the tznius standard was lower than the reach of his beard. And the Buffoon shedding excruciating tears setting out how he would excoriate anyone seen at an affair where 'they' are represented as yidn. And the Rabbonim after consulting their oracle invoking eith la'sos lashem, 'if not for you who is for us' and decreeing that in the merit of representing their brethren they will see no evil and taste no evil.

They say a photo speaks a thousand words but photos like these make us lost for words. How do we begin to show hakoras hatov for people who are the personification of askonus. It is why Stamford Hill is the envy of the world and we more than anyone else feel safe in the knowledge that however few our abilities and however many our shortcomings we will always be able to rely on our askonim to walk, talk, smile, think and even sin for us.

Yasher Kochachem!

2010-07-05T00:05:00.003+01:00

Has the JC become a Lubi ragsheet? I ask because in this week's issue they published a hostile review of The Life and Afterlife of Menachem Mendel Schneerson by Samuel Heilman and Menachem Friedman. The book is not sympathetic to the Lubi line and not surprisingly the Lubavitchers are far from happy. As usual they've taken to attacking the authors, the reseach, the sources and anything that is inconvenient to the demi-God they've made of the previous Rebbe, assuming we may talk of him in the past tense.

A hostile review of course does not turn the JC into Lubavitchers but it's when you consider who the reviewer is and the basis for his hostility that you begin to wonder. The reviewer is David Klinghoffer who according to Wiki is a BT from reform judaism who in his writings seeks to promote opposition to Darwinian views of evolution. Show me someone with these credentials and neutral to Chabad and I'll consider reconsidering.

I googled the reviewer because after reading his review I was left wondering who he was and why the review was ever published. First it was news to me that 'You hear much less now about the Rebbe-is Messiah concept.' I keep on seeing the Moshiach message regularly and while it doesn't make the headlines because it's been going on for some time I haven't heard anything to suggest that the movement is waning and much to suggest that its following is as strong as ever.

Then there was a paragraph about 'the mystery of why Chabad is now more omnipresent in Jewish life...' Well it isn't a 'mystery' as not many movements set out with Chabad's aims and their resources. It's no mystery that they're doing well in Russia by sucking up to Putin and it's no mystery that they do well in dying communities by commandeering local facilities or pouring in loads of cash to set up rival organisations. But then the Discovery Institute, of which Mr Klinghoffer is a senior fellow, has a link on its website to 'The Real Russia Project' whose goal is 'to offer to offer an accurate picture of life in Russia'. 'Accurate' as in no mention of the murder of critics of the regime, the stifling of the press and the absence of law and order. So success in Russia for instance must truly be a mystery if not outright divine providence.

Another criticism of the book is that the source for many of the damaging insinuations in the book are attributed to a bitter opponent who was also a nephew of the Rebbe. Well, I doubt he wanted them to source their material from 770 who would have maintained that the Rebbe studied at the Sorbonne and which the authors show to be a gross lie. Nothing of this by the way in the review.

But what most stunned me was the following paragraph:

Great men are rare but the Rebbe was one such. I remember the feeling of being torn and abandoned that strangely overcame me the night he died, though I was not aware he had done so and I was not -- and am not - a Chabad follower. Readers of this biography may wonder if the authors have failed to grasp their subject because he inhabited a realm with vaster and deeper spiritual dimensions than they, like squares contemplating a sphere, can fully appreciate.

So according to this reviewer the proof of the greatness of the Rebbe which the authors cannot fully appreciate lies not so much in the Rebbe himself but in the telepathic feelings of the reviewer on the death of the Rebbe. We can debate whether the reviewer could do with some medical assistance but I can't see how the Rebbe becomes implicated in this either way.

I'm not sure what I made of the Rebbe by the end of the review but I have some serious doubts about the greatness of the JC.

'Fortunately... it was just a small middle-aged lady'

2010-06-04T17:40:00.001+01:00

Spare a thought for Dr Barrie Walker who in an interview with the BBC on the terrible murders in Cumbria made a somewhat infelicitous comment. To his credit he realised what he'd said the moment it was too late and if ever you wanted to see someone eating their words here it is at 0:55 onwards.

Tzniusfest - sponsored by HM Government

2010-05-28T00:11:00.000+01:00

Little is known of the benevolence of Her Majesty's Government in our circles once Housing Benefit is taken out of the equation. Malchus shel chesed is a nice catchword for those who want us to repose our trust in them as the sole channel to the authorities who must be kept on side lest they herd us all on cattle wagons for transportation to the other side of the river lea. But in our day to day lives any beneficence of the authorities is wiped out by parking tickets, bailiffs and the nazis in the planning department. You could perhaps include the NHS though one could argue how benevolent it is to have to wait in a queue in the early morning cold to get an appointment with a doctor everyone knows to be a shlimazel. As to free education, as far as most Stamford Hillers are concerned it's like western civilisation to Ghandi: not a bad idea.

But Yesodey HaTorah was supposed to change all of that. Parents who've been dodging the school-fees collector all their child-rearing lives, and that lasts rather long round here, have woken up to spare funds in their pockets thanks to the free school in their midst. And whilst our North West cousins must pay for the Hebrew lessons, in our neck of the woods those too come for free. Mind you they're taxed when using the school wedding hall for those same children's betrothal party but for the moment the little ones are still at school and the shadchen has yet to call. Free schooling works best to put elbows on desks, especially when the more holier elements have tarnished the school for its national curriculum obligations, Heaven forfend. And though our dear kinderlech are the apple of our eyes even that can't beat a free lunch.

I digress for I have come to discuss the benevolence of HM Government and since hakoras hatov, gratitude to you and me (put it in Hebrew and it feels as if not only did we discover it but we remain its sole curators), is something that is drilled into us from the moment we know and appreciate the true meaning if not the value of an asken we should know of this particular act of governmental beneficence. It has not only saved us the price of an entry ticket or a donation to the latest Decree of the gedolei yisroel but according to the speakers at this great event we were bringing our redemption closer and all thanks to Alastair Darling for whom we didn't even vote. But that too is another matter.

So to the Tzniusfest. For the past few weeks parents privileged to have their children admitted to the YHS schools have been bombarded with invitations, flyers, phone calls, letter and not to mention pressure from the kids to attend an event that took place on the first Monday of May 2010. Bank Holiday to many people but as the late Rabbi Dunner would say in his characteristic non-existent yekishe humour, we're not banks so what's it got to do with us?

"An evening that you don't want to miss!' we were promised, or rather 'ALL YHS MOTHERS' were promised. And since you were made to sign in upon arrival you indeed wouldn't want to miss it because having succeeded in getting your kids in to the school you wouldn't want to risk it all by defying a summons of this nature. 'Links in our Legacy' was its original name which mutated (the kosher variety) to 'Golden Links' described as 'an opportunity to link with the school and to show your child you care'. A line up of a 'renowned' lecturer no one's heard of and a 'thought provoking' speaker from Lakewood, where thinking is famed for provoking the ire of its inhabitants, ignited intellectual curiosity, an elegant buffet whetted the appetite and audio visual and musical presentation broke down all resistance.

Besides, the Hill was agog with rumour. After the latest baby/shidduch/cheesecake recipe this was truly the number 1 preoccupation of the female denizens of the Hill (the male variety not requiring Golden Links or being unwilling to sign a register upon entry). Surely if we're talking of linking with the school and caring for our child it could only be the launch of a PTA with a question and answer session where questions haven't been pre-vetted. (In true Hill tradition and YHS sensibility questions could be submitted anonymously in advance.) Or perhaps, and here I'm really running away with myself, elections for a parent governor. Ultimately we knew this had to be a transmogrifying event in the annals of the Hill and the history of the school and as always trusted YHS not to let us down.

So turn up we did and why not for a ticketless entry. Since there was no sponsor, not even of the space filling 'anonymous' variety we can only but assume that it was Her Majesty and her loyal government to whom we were required to our sheitels to and doff our sheitels we did by the time they let us out. But for that I'm afraid I must leave you in suspense for the sequel.

Fanatics or Phonetics?

2010-05-24T20:22:00.000+01:00

When you think the Tribune can't get any madder along they come with an article on the Book of Rus. Does than mean we'll soon be getting stories of King Tholomon or only of Nasan the Prophet and Josef and Potifar?

How Thackeray must be blessing his stars that he doesn't come to be mentioned in the Tribune.

New Bournemouth hotel

2010-05-23T12:51:00.002+01:00

Shh... not to be read if you're in Stamford Hill. Apparently it's only for the JC crowd though you did read it here first. We in Stamford Hill are only interested in what they're doing to some pagan bones in Israel and the Buffoon's witticisms week in week out. And as for what the AIHC is up to, you'll be told when they'll deign to let you through its doors and in the meantime please don't spoil the party.

Perhaps Pinter was right after all when he said "I think it's worth mentioning that the Hamodia is now the main newspaper read by the community and not the Jewish Tribune" though that didn't stop him sharing his views on PR in his guise as 'Voices of the People'. The trouble however is that the Hamodia didn't give us the Bournemouth news either, so they obviously have it from on high that it's something we're not meant to know. Since the last thing this blog wants to do is shed the innocence of the Hill's precious neshomes please ignore this and the previous blog and retreat to our Eden on the Hill.

What a Downfall...

2010-05-13T14:54:00.013+01:00

We don't discriminate, do we?

A Shidduch indeed

2010-05-13T14:18:00.000+01:00

Without wishing to labour the point, according to the BBC Clegg said at this morning's cabinet meeting that an Indian relative told him that arranged marriages work better. So there you are. What however he has to know is that while shiduchim may indeed last until death doth them part there's not always much love in them. Her domain is in the kitchen, his in the office or in shul, meet during the week for a gulped down meal and shabbos for a bit longer and so long that they don't get on each other's nerves too much why should they split up? The price for divorce must also be a high one, stigma for both sides and poor shiduchim for the kids.

But other than that it can go one forever. Fiddler on the Roof reaches Downing Street.

Con-Lib coalition: Is it good for the Jews?

2010-05-12T13:22:00.003+01:00

So the shidduch has gone ahead and consummated almost the same day but is it good for us? Jenny Tonge may be unlikely to be appointed as a minister with responsibility for the middle east but how are the rest likely to fare. On school issue Michael Gove, who is generally favourable, is no longer education supremo but is still minister for schools. Will that be enough to get a change in the law on admissions? I doubt it, as the Lib-Dems are not sympathetic to faith schools and the Tories don't command a majority. It's not a priority for the Tories so it's unlikely to be addressed while these 2 are in bed.

As to Israel, Hague in the foreign office, Lib-Dems at the cabinet table and Gove outside the cabinet. Oy vey iz mir!

As for the economy, hospitals, transport and things that really matter, well yes but hardly the stuff to mull over in shul.

UPDATE: Gove is Education Secretary after all but it doesn't really affect matters as a majority is required for a change in the law. That goes for the law on schools as well as for universal jurisdiction which puts some senior Israeli visitors at risk of arrest. And consider this from the BBC: Mr Hague has said that as foreign secretary, he is determined to put in place a "distinctive British foreign policy". Well, you know what that means.

New kosher hotel in Bournemouth?

2010-05-12T09:21:00.006+01:00

Apparently someone has bought The Grove Hotel in Bournemouth with the intention of setting up a new kosher hotel. More like a B&B at the moment but then you never know. The grapevine reports that Ita Symons of AIHA may have a part in it which could suggest a convalescence home of sorts. More to the point, will it have a minyen where the nearby flat owners can park their backsides on morns and eves? They should charge a prayer fee or it is bound to end up like the Normandy: the place you wouldn't be seen in other than to daven.

To his credit it is said the late Rav Padwa tolerated a relatively lax kashrus regime at the hotel in order to provide a respite for those needing a break. If only he had adopted a similarly humane policy to an Eiruv his son would not have been bound to his crazy legacy.

Mazel Tov!

2010-05-12T09:12:00.005+01:00

What else can one say? They should see lots and lots of naches together un oyf simches by you.

Will David Davis be Home Secretary? It'll be moshiach times.

The first PMQs will be one of those weddings where one side just can't imagine they're having to share a simche with that lot but were forced together and you must come along for the sake of the family. All you can do is pray that no one does something really embarrassing and that it's all over quickly.

If only this were a Shidduch

2010-05-11T10:56:00.001+01:00

Meeting another suitor while making up your mind? Are you out of your mind? Which half respectable parent would allow their child to be put through such insults. I mean it's not as if we're talking about an alte bokhur or a girl from a divorced family. This is for God's sake a party that got almost an outright majority, which makes them like the second best bokhur in the yeshive or the ex-sem girl who teaches, knows how to cook and how to dress. With someone like that you don't stand for this kind of nonsense. And anyway do you really want to get into bed, sorry go under the chuppah, with someone who'll consider that lot. If the Libs want them you don't want the libs.

So David, tell Clegg the shidduch is off and let him drink Le'Chaim with the 'progressives' who follow you on every street corner, lock you up without trial and force you to carry an ID card even on Shabbos. Then sit back and watch it all fall apart and make a real effort, in the best interest of the nation, to hide your schadenfreude.

They're talking a shidduch in Westminster

2010-05-10T11:58:00.000+01:00

It appears the party leaders are entering into classic shidduch mode. First dispatch a shadkhen, then the telephone call, followed by a secret meeting where everyone one arrives through the backdoor so that the neighbours don't notice. The meeting is just over an hour and since they seem to like each other they'll be meeting again tomorrow morning. Of course everyone wagging their tongues 'is it going ahead?' to which the answer is 'they must first sort out the finance', or the economy and the Euro in this case.

One can imagine the setting. David sitting down with Nick, which school did you go to? Eton, wow! my cousin went there. And what do you do now? Looking for a job, oh I see.

Boruch Ha'Shem the first bashau went well and they'll be meeting again. The boy's putting pressure that they've got something else lined up and they need an answer. She's agreed to wear a band so long that he doesn't put on vase zokn. Actually here it is, he can keep his blue tie so long that he doesn't wear a red one. It seems the lchaim will take place tonight though the boy's zeide is not sure since he knew the girl's grandfather and he's not sure it's suitable for him. The kaleh's aunt thinks a band is meshugaas but the boy's uncles say it's not enough and in their family they always wore a shpitzl.

The banana liqueur has already filled three quarters of the disposable bronfn glezlekh and her side (they definitely started it first) tried talking about first past the post or PR (whether one is enough or Pru u'Rvu like the bunny rabbits). The boy's father said he wants to think about it and they haven't called back. The shadchen is not taking calls, Sholem Meylekh has gone over and now she's saying she's not so sure either.

Stay by the phone; an announcement is due any time.

Springfield Ward Results

2010-05-09T16:45:00.002+01:00

We Yiddishe kep are supposed to be renown for the content of our craniums. Nobel prizes, desert blooming, Einstein and all the rest. What we hear less of is of yiddishe foolhardiness which blessed be the Lord above has been concentrated in Hackney to a disproportionate degree.

Have a look at the local elections which took place in the shadow of the national elections. In the national contest Dianne Abbott's victory may have been a foregone conclusion irrespective of Satmar's canvassing on her behalf for her efforts to prevent Yemenites landing up on what she would probably deem Palestinian land irrespective whether they went to Gush Etzyon or Tel Aviv. The same goes for Jules Pipes who owes us nothing and does for us even less. Our representatives from the Buffoon onwards rubbed Labour's noses into it when it suited their agenda and now that we're on our backfoot it's payback time. Not at all fair especially when seeing his grovelling at the Muslim Centre but nonetheless rather difficult to complain.

Where the outcome was anything but certain was the local elections where the frum have significant numbers in some of the wards. Even if they aren't a majority, since people are persuaded to vote tribally rather than on any rational basis, and not voting for the heimishe is almost a betrayal a high heimishe turnout can be guaranteed to defeat the opponents. (Tessler may be an exception being unsuitable even for the local Tories which is saying something.)

In Springfield there were 3 Tories, Steinberger, Levy and Napier of which the first 2got in by a whisker, 1 of them apparently with a majority of 12, but the third lost. To achieve that loss there can be only 2 explanations. One is that Labour and Lib-Dem supporters went for the first 2 in large numbers because they're good looking or because the electors' philo-semitism led them to abandon their party affiliations for the sake of 2 frum guys. Another possible explanation could just be that heimishe voters sought out heimishe names and they don't come much more heimish than Steinberger and Levy. As for the others, well let them jump in the waterless pond.

I leave it to you which is the more plausible explanation. Perfectly legitimate of course but please don't then complain when we're accused of tribalism.

2010-05-09T01:42:00.002+01:00

Isn't it ironic that to cast a vote for a Jewish candidate one must wait for a national or municipal election? I mean voting for a PTA? What does that stand for? School governors? That's not a Jewish idea I think, definitely not da'ath torah. Board of Deputies? Those goyim, are you crazy? Rabbis are inherited, that's quite normal, but what about communal positions, surely there must be a vote preceded by a debate with vetted questions? Ok, you obviously know little about our hallowed way of life but since the Buffoon has promised us his wisdom only next week you'll have to do with mine as second best for the mo.

2010-05-06T21:44:00.003+01:00

I went to vote and I felt empowered and part of something greater than myself. Let cynics scoff that my vote made not one iota of difference in this neck of the woods but still I voted. I voted for whom I decided to and not for whom the great and good ordained their flock should follow.

But it's of course a lot more than that. Living in a community where my views are never canvassed, my voice is never sought and my opinions not deemed legitimate, where others purport to represent me without consulting me and my very presence taken for granted and treated with contempt, it is with pride that once in 5 years I exercise my right to cast a vote that together with millions of my countrymen and women will decide who is to lead this country for the next 5 years. You local charlatans may be no worse than some of the crooks in Westminster but they put themselves up for election and can be voted in or out at the whim of the people. Let us see you do that even once in a lifetime.

Viva Democracy!

Election Day

2010-05-06T13:22:00.004+01:00

Who will you be voting for? For the ones recommended by ex councillors, for the good-for- nothings simply because they're heimish, for she who rescued Yemenites or for someone of your own choosing?

Other than Michael Levy who has worked for the general good, and took flak for his efforts, I know of many reasons not to vote for any of the heimishe candidates. They have given us a terrible name over the years and Hackney's planning policy is due in no small part to them and their predecessors.

I do not know the wisdom of being represented by Tory councillors in a borough as red as ours and Haringey shows that the Labour councillors have achieved a lot more with a lot less fuss. So you guys continue to do what you do best and tarnish our name so that we will not be trusted municipally for generations to come. I however shall vote with my brains and not with the shape of your hats.

2010-05-02T22:18:00.002+01:00

Here is the official invitation to come and take part in the 'debate' of the candidates who have deigned to talk to us. Questions submitted in advance to the address on the flyer; questions you want answered, don't bother. The rabonim and the askonim will ensure they don't get asked.

Jewish Care Don't Care

2010-04-30T00:37:00.002+01:00

So Jewish Care arrange a live debate for local candidates but questions must be submitted in advance. Why is that may I ask. Is this a national debate on prime time TV where questions must be vetted because time is at a premium and cranks must be excluded? Or is this a local debate for local issues where apart from the candidates all the smarmy machers who can't resist the allure of a lens and a notebook are guaranteed to show up to hold our hands and keep our mouths shut when we're in view of their prized contacts and networked pals?

Jewish Care, if you and those behind this event think we can't be trusted in the presence of your imaginary high society then pack your bags and take some of our odious bearded bigwigs with you.

And Diane Abbott, Keith Angus and Darren Caplan, if you want to hold a debate then I'm all for it so long that you throw yourselves open to questions from all voters and not just to questions vetted by Jewish Care or some other unelected 'court Jews' controlling our access to their deluded power bases.

Whom has Skinners skinned?

2010-03-08T11:04:00.009Z

Can someone shed some light on what's going on at the Skinners School site in Stamford Hill? Here is the Hackney Gazette story. Although you can safely ignore our own media which are there for the sole purpose of steering us in the direction they see fit to take us and then persuading the world that we are loyally following, I was nonetheless intrigued by one line in the Hamodia, that Beis Chinuch had originally agreed to move but then had a change of heart.

So what happened ? Is this another case of some mad, if not greedy, askan who thought he (never a she unless it is Ita Symons) had Berkeley Homes over a barrel and was told to go jump in a mikveh? If Beis Chinuch was supposed to get the site why are Belz and Lubavitch up in arms? Where is Rav Feldman, or has he been banished due to his 'ignorance' of a convicted sex abuser's crimes? If Satmar was also to get part of the site, where is their voice? What caused 'Rabbi' Pinter to rear his hairy head? Are there prospects of another rip-off wedding hall? And who was the idiot who called a demo and then called it off? Did Pinter get cold feet at the prospect of being seen publicly with his own brethren?

All I'm asking for is some facts. Please someone fill us in so that we can get our placards out, Buffoon Yitzchok can start minting his tears and perhaps Reb Elyokum can get his sackcloths from his Purim fancy dress storage. Letters will get you guys nowhere; barricades is what we need. And while we're at it perhaps a banner or two to remind Pinter of all the kids he continuously excludes from 'his' schools.

2009-06-15T22:16:00.003+01:00

Occasionally it is necessary to address a problem that does not exist. If it ain't broke don't fix it is not a True Toiredike concept and one that sits comfortably only with the alien ways of the Goyim that you fix only that which requires fixing. We in Toire true fashion fix everything, and if it ain't broke we give it a hechsher and raise the prices. Or of it ain't broke and is kosher we remove the hechsher like Frohwein sausages and at a stroke there are only vile sausages tasting like a cross between a rat and the animal a streimel comes from.

But that's that. Now we are talking about the far more important non-existent problem of parents not contributing sufficiently towards their children's school fees. Non-existent because according to buffoon yitzchok to suggest otherwise is an 'alien mentality which has no basis in reality or in Torah-based hashkofoh'. So there you have it from the ferd's mouth, whatever the facts you must deny them if they are contrary to hashkofoh. With buffoons like ours who needs the wise?

So to comply and nail our colours to a Torah-true mast let's fix this one firmly to its bent down. In Stamford Hill the general enthusiasm to pay school fees is such that schools don't have fees collectors or people who call at all hours on the phone and in person to collect the fees. And heaven forbid any of them should be working on commission. I mean commission for what? For something that people queue round the block to pay 3 weeks before beginning of term? And of the writer who suggested otherwise he well deserved being taken so wittily to task by the buffoon. What did he expect? A few kind words reminding him that Mars bars are treif no matter how hard the NW shkotzim will try and suggest otherwise? Then that guy has the chutzpah to suggest that some people prefer LUXURY to paying for their offsprings' Torah-true education. We don't have LUXURY food, buffoon, we have food with Kedassia hechsher.

Walk into any food shop and people survive on nothing more than natural yogurts, lousy salami and vanilla ice cream. A doughnut is something the wealthier amongst us taste on Chanukah. Otherwise, every spare penny goes straight to the school. And we're not talking here fees of £30 a week. Who do you think we are? Some school of the type frequented by our ruchniesdike impoversihed bretheren off the North Circular where kids have TVs but no shas? Nah, not us. Let them eat falafel and teach their kids how to marry shikses and we'll continue paying our fees. £20,000 a term schools for each of our 11+ kinderlach keneinehore without a penny of subsidy from HSA, thank you very much. And then to think that some people should have the self hatred to suggest that those school fees aren't paid up front. Let's make it clear: we pay 50 percent when the waters break and the balance at the circumcision 8 days later, unless the baby was held up by the marvellous labour support group in which case payment may be a couple of days later.

So let me give you my trademark truth. So pure and unadulterated that you only have to look at it and it may turn into a lie. Truth of the rarest and most delicate specimen. You know the new state-aided school, the one I have occasionally my reasons to criticise when the cops' chaplain usurps me in the press, well even there parents are falling over themselves to part with their cash. And they never finish paying. The girls leave school and 1 years later they're back as teachers subsidising the school on their martyrdom wages and 1 year after that they're back again introducing their betrothed ('beloved' is still about 5 weeks away, assuming it ever arrives) to the delights of the school dinner hall and again it's a cheque but this time a double one. And yet it's an all singing and dancing event.

So, down with the hefkeirus of the youth and the anonymity of poison pens. I have always announced to the world my true identity because I believe in what I have not got to say and say what I do not believe secure in the knowledge that if you believe it why repeat it?

Lamp of Luminance

2009-06-12T19:00:00.004+01:00

'Rabbi of his people, leader of his nation, lamp of luminance, blessed be your arrival for peace' Unless you passed Egerton Road this week and have a smattering of Aramaic and more than that of English you may not be aware of the arrival of the Lamp of Bobov in our midst. And by the time you read this the Lamp will have travelled to radiate its luminance elsewhere so you will have missed out.

The reason I bring this to your attention is because I always wonder why is it that we are happy to put into Hebrew , Aramaic or even Yiddish words we would never say in English. Sometimes, like the Yiddish section of the JT, it's because they put into Hebrew characters anything they wish to keep out of sight of the goyim or, worse, the JC. But there's nothing harmful about describing a 50/60 something as a lamp yet the most his followers would ever say about him in English is 'Grand Rabbi'. So why this reticence?

I have a couple of theories.
1. They know it's a load of rubbish and are embarrased of others who lack their fervour reading it. As for Hebrew speakers they're all used to it and those who disapprove can be dismissed as heretics or opponents. Anyway most of them use even more extravagent epithets for their own Grands so simply to keep up with the halberstams and teitelbaums you need to lay on the lamps.

2. The embarrasment is of themselves. English being a language used for logical discourse will cause the silly titles to jar in their own brains. By contrast, since Hebrew is used for prayer of which half of it in anyway not understood, and even that which is understood is mumbled through automatonlike at a speed far exceeding light, nonsense can be spouted out as no one gives it a second thought assuming they had a first one. It allows the propagandists to use ancient, anachronistic mumbo jumbo without as much as a shokel as the message is not in the meaning but simply being there in a size 72 font multiplied by the number of bulbs illuminating it. It evokes sights and mental sounds of a golden age and of musty books to which they wish to nail their rabbi's shtreimel. And as far as that goes it does a fairly good job.

Why I voted

2009-06-04T22:06:00.003+01:00

Because I value the fact that however high and mighty the leaders may be and however much they corrupt their position they still must come back to us for our vote every few years. Cynics may snigger and sophisticates may scoff but if it were all one big con why do countries like China not join in the fraud and hold elections? Why did Russia rig its elections despite that the governing party could have won in a fair vote? Because a fair election is in itself is a challenge for those who cannot bear being reminded that they are appointed by the people and can be removed by the people. I voted to remind myself and those in power who put them there and who can removed them.

Because as the son of a father born in the shadow of revolution and who suffered greatly at the hand of the Nazis I feel it a duty to support the democratic process. At times when the BNP is on the ascendancy the task is all the more urgent.

Because by participating in an activity that the whole country is engaged in I feel part of the country, part of the democratic process that governs this country and part of the excitement that is politics. I am excluded, part by choice and part by the company I keep, from the main activities that glue this country together. I don't generally follow sports and have never attended a major sporting event, I don't own a TV and am not animated by Big Brother or The Apprentice and other programs that has the nation glued to its seats (though I was a tad moved by Susan Boyle's first, and only first, appearance), I rarely visit a pub and when I do it is miles away from home where I know none of the locals, I don't place a wreath anywhere on Remembrance Day, I don't put up holly in my windows before Christmas and I don't even visit Ikea on a bank holiday (I prefer the quiet on a workday evening).

That doesn't mean that I don't feel part of this country. The problem however is that I have few outlets where I can participate and genuinely feel one with my countrymen and women openly and comfortably. I feel precluded from activities on the above list, which is by no means exhaustive, because they are alien to my upbringing and culture as well as because they are avoided by fellow orthodox coreligionists. If there are cultural activities I enjoy I do them covertly due to fear of censure by the locals but in any event seeing a play or watching a film doesn't give you a sense of belonging you get by discussing what is on every TV in the land.

So I follow politics and I vote. It's kosher. It's exciting. It's driven by ideas. And it gives me a sense of belonging and an affinity and connection to the man on the street, to the reports on the radio and in the press (no TV, remember) and to the way this country is governed.

And finally because I look at what is done in the name of religion to politics in Israel where the Rabbis who care not one tshulent bean for democracy and would abolish it overnight if we were so unfortunate to witness the Messiah they pray 3 times a day for, yet they exploit it and corrupt it to the core when it suits their avarice and greed. Every one of them makes our MPs and the moats and duck ponds look like saints compared to their corruption and there is no chance in the world of them ever being caught.

So I grab my polling card, lift my eyes to heaven and thank Him above than, unlike His faithful in the Holy Land, none of His servants on this sceptered isle dictate how and for whom to vote and on this day, the anniversary of the massacres in Tiananmen Square, I am able to express my view on who I want to represent our country in the EU parliament.

Long Live Freedom and Democracy!

Pepys in Hackney

2009-05-11T09:18:00.001+01:00

"Going out towards Hackney by coach for the ayre, the silly coachman carries us to Shoreditch, which was so pleasant a piece of simplicity in him and us, that made us mighty merry." Samuel Pepys's diary entry for 10 May 1666.

Silly indeed!